I've been awake since H left for work at 3:00. Today would be our 18th anniversary. We haven't celebrated it since we D 5 years ago. I'm not sure if he even remembers! I don't know whether I should mention it or do something special today or not. If I do, it might just make him feel bad. I was thinking of asking him to go to dinner tonight without mentioning our anniversary at all. We haven't had a *date* in a few months now. He's said a few times that we need some time alone together, but hasn't pursued that himself. I'm having a hard time knowing what I should do or not do. Dropping the rope seems to have helped him to relax and focus on some things, but it's also just meant that some things are not getting done for us. Like time alone away from the kids. We seem to be drifting back into being parents and roommates. The difference is that H is being more loving and caring than he was.
Our physical R is still not going well at all. I've tried not to pursue that too hard, but have done a few things to encourage it. I think we've only ML twice this month. We've tried a few times in the last week, but H couldnt follow through The first time was me initiating and the next two times he did. The last time he asked if he could help me to relax and sleep, so I said sure! It ended up with him wanting to ML, but still he couldnt. I don't know if this is still a side effect from his meds, or if it's in his mind. He said things are just not working like they should and he doesnt know if it's physical or just because of all that's happened between us and he's pressuring himself.
Other than that, he's been loving and caring. He didnt take his meds for a few days, but started back up again yesterday. He's been hugging and kissing me more lately.. just walking up and doing it. I'm so confused about whether I should be affectionate with him, or let him come to me. If I pursue I'm afraid he'll feel pressure, but if I don't I'm afraid he'll think I don't care. I've had a little cold since Christmas day. Last night before he went to bed he gave me a hug and kiss and said that he wants to ML as soon as I feel better. I said "sounds good to me!" Im so afraid though that he won't be able to and it'll just be harder the next time. I've kept my mouth shut (believe it or not!) on what I think he should do. I think he should go back to our Dr, and his psych. He hasn't seen either of them in a month I think. Our Christian counselor can't see him again until Feb. So, things are just basically on hold. He hasnt picked up any of the bible studies that the C suggested to work on in the meantime either.
Waiting for him to do "something" is sooo hard! He did tell me the other night that he knows he's not doing things as fast as I'd like him to. I haven't said that, but I guess he knows me too well. He did say though that he's concentrating on stopping the things that tore our R apart - like lying, writing my checks, hiding things, being irritable and impatient and disregarding my feelings. I think he's doing pretty good at that. S19 is home from college and I've noticed a change in his attitude there. He hasn't commented or said much to S19 when he's done things that H doesnt agree with - like stay out until 2AM when he knows we'd like him to get in earlier. He's mentioned it to me, but not to S19. He also hasnt been as demanding of his time like he has in the past, and surprisingly, S19 has spent more time with us than we expected.
H still hasnt found a new job. He's talking to a couple of places, but nothing definate yet. I know this is stressing him out. He starts a crazy work schedule the 8th of Jan that will keep us from spending much time together. He wont get home until after the kids are in bed and his weekend will be Tues and Weds. I also wonder if that's one of the reasons he can't ML right now. I don't like it that he still works with OW. I havent said a word AT ALL.. not one little peep. Even when he was so mad about the schedule change I was supportive and told him to hang in there things will work out. Wanting him to have another job is now becoming something I want for him more than me wanting him to be away from OW. He gets little sleep, hates his job, and now is worrying about not being here with us in the evenings. Something has got to give!
The New Year is coming and I asked H and D11 last night if they have any resolutions. H said that his were to be a better H and Father. I said that I'd like to get in better shape and lose the last 10-20 lbs that are hanging on. I also said that I want to quit smoking and have four of my teeth capped...just a cosmetic thing that I've thought would be too vain to spend money on. I need to quit smoking first! I had quit but picked it up again the very day I found out about OW.. arghhh! I asked H if my resolutions were selfish because they weren't about us. He said they werent and that he wants to lose weight too. He's put on ..hmm... I'd say 20-30 pounds the last few months. I know he's self concious about it. The weight gain is a side effect of one of his meds that made him hungry all the time. I've encouraged him to watch what he eats and go to the gym, but have stopped saying anything because I don't want him to think I find him less attractive. I don't at all, but I hate seeing him self conscious about his weight.
I need to make some DB resolutions. I'm still thinking about what the best thing is for me to do right now. Things are peaceful here, and I fear going back to the same old routine, but I know we can't work things out when it's tense and stressful either. H is still talking about making changes so as long as I know that's on his radar I'm going to keep dropping the rope, being supportive and understanding. We still aren't back to being close and like a couple yet.. it's frustrating, but I know that I can't fall back into things until we work out our differences in a real way. That leaves me feeling like we're roommates and co-parents, but I'm hoping in time we can get closer as a couple too.
So.. what to do today? I'd love for us to go to dinner tonight, but I know he's been tired. I'm afraid it will put expectations on him physically too. I know he has so much on his mind right now. Maybe a night out will do him good though. I guess he could come home and nap before we go out. Hmmm.. maybe a nice back rub (that's all!) a nap and dinner at his favorite restaurant.
The first time was me initiating and the next two times he did. The last time he asked if he could help me to relax and sleep, so I said sure! It ended up with him wanting to ML, but still he couldnt. I don't know if this is still a side effect from his meds, or if it's in his mind. He said things are just not working like they should and he doesnt know if it's physical or just because of all that's happened between us and he's pressuring himself. 
