Things have been going pretty good here. We've found a peaceful place and I'm making peace with it. Still a lot to accomplish, but there isn't a lot of day to day stress between H and I. I wish we were closer.. I wish our physical R was better, but other than that, there are a lot of positives for both of us.
Small Christmas Eve dilemma brewing for me. I had decided not to go to H's parents today. Many reason.. mostly because I don't want to go. We don't have a great R with them, there's been a lot of tension between them and H. They havent visited or called the kids since the bomb dropped. They just aren't giving of their time and energy at all when it comes to their grandchildren. On top of that.. H is having a hard time coping with his resentment. He gave his Dad a kidney 6 years ago and although he doesnt regret it or think his Dad owes him - he is hurt that he doesnt have time for him or our children. His parents were not very supportive of him when he lived there while we were separated and it's driven a big wedge. Anyway, his Dad asked me if I'd come today and said we need to start being a family again. I told him that I love him, but have never really had an R with them in the 18 years I've known them and I'm tired of pretending. We can work on this in the New Year if they really want to.. no hard feelings, I just don't see going there and feeling stressed when we don't have to do that. I want them (and me) to enjoy Christmas without all the underlying unsaid stuff. He said I need to come so we can talk. I told him it's not a good time for talking about this, but I'll see them at H's grandma's in the morning. It was a calm, positive convo (if you knew his Dad's temper that's a good thing)
Last night H voiced that he'd like me to go today. He didnt actually ask me to and told me he wants me to do what I want to do, but that it would be nice if I did. Ughhh. I said something about when "we go" and he said "see, I knew you'd change your mind!" I hadnt.. it was just a slip of the tongue. He said if he has to go into "hell" on Christmas, it would be nice to have me by his side..sigh. I've asked my older two kids what they think and both said they understand why I'm not going.. they're not thrilled either, but do want to see their cousins. I feel like I "should" go, but that's the way I've always lived. I've done what's expected of me, and everyone else just sweeps the probs under the carpet. I'm tired of Christmas eve at his parents that has no love or the meaning of Christmas at all. I'd rather stay here and get the food ready for our family celebration tonight, but I don't want to let my family down either. It looks like us not going on Thanksgiving, and me not wanting to go today has had an impact on his Dad... they've ignored H's request to work on his problems with them since he talked to them in July. His mother is a very COLD person. I feel like his Dad is asking so she won't be p*ssed on Christmas and don't know if they'll really try to change anything, or if we'll just go and they'll assume like they always do that their obligation is taken care of. That and his Mom tries to make a show out of being Grandma after not seeing the kids for months (she sees her other grandchildren daily) and my kids are inevitably hurt by something insensitive that she says or does. I'm so torn about what to do today.
What should I do? These are people who often say "it's not convenient" when we invite them anywhere. It's not convenient for me to go today.. I have a lot to do here. If I was just not going out of spite, I'd go because that would be wrong.. but that's not the reason. It's more because I feel apathetic towards an R with them and just don't need them in my life.. or to spend a major holiday with.
