Things are fine here in limbo-land right now. Not perfect by any means, but without the finance problems that H lies about (at least not in the last couple of weeks!), there isn't much to post. H and I are so different and a lot of healing is going to have to take place for both of us to feel comfortable being close again. I feel like we're drifting back into pre-bomb sameness and might suffer for it, but H doesn't agree, so we'll see
I've been thinking alot about DBing and everyone who's waiting right now for a turn-around in their M. I've had two great examples of DBing in the recent future. Maybe this will help someone on the board to have hope over the holidays, and show that you might think things are over with the WAS, but that doesn't mean it's over forever. I think alot depends on the LBS ability to be patient and most of all, forgiving.
When H and I divorced 6 years ago he was a natural DBer. It's his nature to be passive and let life unfold. It's one of the things that drives me crazy about him, but I know it's the thing that brought us back together. The first few months were rough, but then things settled down between us. He didnt argue with me, pursue, question, issue any ultimatums. He went out of his way to give me time and space, and be considerate after we lived apart. I know a part of this was because he didnt feel he had a right to because of what led up to our divorce. But considering it, do any of us have a right to demand that someone be in our lives in a certain way if they can't? We can only control what we're willing to give and let the OP make their choices. We were lucky. H decided that he could still give me love and friendship during that time. The thing that brought me back to him was pretty much what I titled this post. I came back "home". That place that's comfortable, familiar and secure and the person who I knew understood me and loved me better than anyone. I look back and think that maybe H and I shouldnt have reconciled, but we did. We did for so many reasons, but mostly because he didnt stop acting like my H when he was with me. He never treated me like the enemy or mentioned that we were separate (which is amazing). He always said "we" when we talked, and talked of "our" future. It was usually things about the kids, but he didnt separate us in our discussions. He'd ask me if I needed anything, and always invited me in when I went to his house. He created a life for the kids there and didnt act single.. he basically picked up our life in his new home. When I was with him it felt familiar. He made changes in the ways that drove me away, but he didnt make drastic changes that said he was moving on without me. Any arguments we had were because he still acted so familiar with me and like my H. Whatever it took, he'd always get a hug out of me and said ILU every time we talked or saw each other. I hated it at first, but then I noticed that he said it without expectation and it was nice to hear. He didnt blame me or show me his anger. Basically what I'm saying is that he loved me unconditionally through our divorce. We should have done things differently when we reconciled and worked through our issues. This doesn't answer the question of "should we have reconciled" or "will we make it work now", but it's just a little on what H did that made me want to come back to him.
The other sitch is with my sister and my BIL. I would've said their M was over and buried a couple of years ago. He was in the Army and returned from Korea to drop the bomb. He had reconnected over the internet wit someone he dated in HS. For two years he didnt touch my sister, and told her he wanted a D when he retired from the Army. He took trips to FL to see his OW, lied to my sister over and over, spent money like crazy on OW and her kids. He made OW the beneficiary on his insurance, spent every holiday with her, would disappear for days at a time. He was sent to Iraq about a year into this and my sister sent him a box every month. He was there for a year and never called or wrote her once. He took his leave home at the middle of his tour and went straight to OW's house. My sister was told this by a friend of theirs. Still, she sent him a box every month and wrote him a letter. When he got back he took leave and went to visit his family and refused to take my S to see our family too. He saw OW, and made plans to retire. He agreed to move my S back home, and she assumed he'd move on to FL. He wouldnt tell her anything. When they got to OH, he told my S that he was going to stay with his dad for a few months. He never moved to FL to be with OW. Over the course of 6 months he moved in with my S in her house and they are now a couple again. He hasnt said much to me, just that he lost his mind and had a MLC. He offered to talk to H back in the spring when we started having probs. I don't know how my sister hung in there the way she did, but she also didnt stop acting like his W. She threw a few good fits, called OW, and wouldnt let her H sleep with her, but other than that, she acted like his W when he was at home no matter how crazy he was acting. She cooked for him, did his laundry, invited him places, and went on with her life. After she moved into her house he wouldnt stop coming over and she basically told him that he wanted a D and she was ready to move on because he obviously hadnt changed his mind. He would come over at all hours and she put a stop to that. Said she'd like to be his friend, but he needed to respect her work schedule and couldnt just stay at her house sometimes and at his Dad's at others. She didnt push him too much and she didnt ever issue an ultimatum. I think my BIL went back home too. He got caught up with a fantasy that started in HS and decided to see "what would have been". My sister didnt have a choice but to give him that space, or move on. She decided to wait it out and it worked. He didnt find what he was looking for, or magically become the person he told himself that he would have been if he hadn't married my sister. He found out that he'd still be the same person no matter who he was with and still face the same problems in his life. He found out that my sister would be there with him through all of that.
I also realized that truth in a way, although differently. I found out that H will always be the father of my kids (duh), and he'll always be the person I'll turn to when it concerns them. What he does will always impact them and me and I can't run from that, and I'll always consider him because of them. No one can father my children like he can.. no one can understand our history and what we want for them. Really, there's no room in this family for more than one mother and father no matter how hard we try to escape that, our kids will keep us family and anyone else would be on the outside. That's just our truth and I know people get re-married and build great families after divorce, but I can't see that working for us.
Anyway, another epic post, but I'm hoping that there's hope in this for someone who's frustrated and waiting. H and I actually divorced and reconciled and my sister's M was done and over, but still there was hope.
