It's been a busy week here. Christmas functions and S19 came home from college. SO great to see him H and I haven't spent much time together, but the time we've had has been pleasant. My GAL is in full gear and so is his it seems. I have to wonder about us functioning so well when we hardly see each other!
Alot of positives for me and H as far as breaking the cycle of control here and we're getting along well. I can't say right now that we're growing closer as a couple, but being at peace is a good start. I'm dropping the rope in so many places that it's having big payoffs for me. My stress level is virtually non-existent and not trying to fix things is leaving me able to be more emotionally supportive. I'm realizing that everything that happens around here doesn't have to affect me unless I let it so I'm not as invested in how things turn out.. leaves me free to be loving and supportive when I need to and it's creating space for H and the kids to grow with THEIR solutions. It's so nice to not feel that weight on my shoulders and allow everyone to carry their load! Which leads me to a probably epic post about S19:
If I havent mentioned it, S19 has quite a parking history at Auburn. I'm telling this part to show how my genius son has a major forgetful side and H generally tries to change and control that. I've learned to accept it over the years and play interference when I can and pray that he'll have a secretary someday! He was supposed to be home Weds evening. He called H and said he'd be home Thurs because he had parked in a restricted zone, forgot to move his car and it was towed. This is the fifth time in 3 semesters that he's done that and it's cost him @ $1000.00. I don't say much because I don't pay the fees, but H has gone into orbit a few times. This time though he didnt! S19 called and expressed surprise that H didnt chew him out and was supportive about it. Good job H! Byron Katie has definately made a difference in his attitude towards S19.
S19 came home Thurs afternoon with his GF. They stopped along the way to shop and eat. We were chatting and GF started listing the things they need to do over break and was basically telling S19 where he "had" to go what he "needed" to do, etc. It sounds like she has his whole break planned for him. I wasnt happy with the way she talked to him, but didnt say anything except "S19, let me know what day we get this week so I can plan for it, OK? And he said "what day do you want?" and I said "Oh no.. I've been there before. You tell me when because we're not going through what we did over Thanksgiving" He said "weds". They had been here about 15 mins and GF said "we've got to get to the church to help them decorate for the wedding". Her sis is getting M today. S19 said "well, call her and ask if they're there, because if we go now and they arent, I'll get stuck all night. Ask them if they really need me for anything. I really want to spend some time with my family. Dad will be home at 8:30 and I want to be here" She called and said "(her sister) says you'd better have your butt over there in 5 mins to help! We'd better go or (her sister) is going to be mad!). S19 said "Mom, what do I do? I want to help B because they have to move some heavy stuff, but I want to hang out with you guys tonight too" I said "I can't answer that. It's your decision.. you do what you need to do and we'll understand." GF said "I'm going.. are you coming?" S19 said "I wanna talk to mom for a minute, go ahead and I'll be right behind you" She left.. then came back in and asked again "are you coming?" He said "yes, in a bit" So she left.
S19 talked to me and said that he's torn between all the people that he wants to spend time with while he's on break. I told him that I understand and that me and H know that, especially this weekend. I said that I can't tell him what he should do.. no one has the right to do that because it's his time and his life. He said he really wanted to hear what I think and needs my opinion. So, I told him that I don't like how GF plans all his time out, and then demands that he does what she wants or gets upset. He said well, she wants to be sure that I know what's going on. I try to spend time with everyone and have a hard time saying "no". I usually go with the first person who asks or whoever is loudest. I told him that I can't be the loudest person in his life. That I love him and respect his choices and refuse to be the overbearing Mom to go up against his GF trying to control his time. He said "are you sure you cant?" and smiled. I said "hey, I know I hold the Mom card, but I'm not going to use that recklessly! I don't want to ever cause you to be unhappy like that." Then I told him that I don't appreciate how she talks to him. That it might just be the momma coming out in me but I've never told him he "has, must, needs" to do anything the way she does. And he said "you can you know" and laughed. And I said "listen, I know it would be easy to be able to say, Mom says I have to do this or that, but it's not going to happen unless it's something that's very important that we'd like you to be there for" And I talked to him about how this isnt about GF and his family.. it's more about his life and allowing someone else to make his decisions. Allowing me to do that is just as bad as allowing her to do that. And I said.. a couple of years down the road I don't want you to look back and see that you've let a squeaky wheel get you to where you are at that point. Eventually if all you do is exactly what she wants you to do, you're going to drift apart from the people you love.. not just your family and you'll drift away from some of the interests that you have too. Then we talked about how normal it is to want to spend every waking moment with his GF. She's really an adorable girl, and I love her to death. I told him that I've been hoping it's a matter of maturity and they'll work this out. Then I said "I hate to say this, but I'm going to because I need to be honest. I think GF is selfish and it bothers me" He said "Oh! She is selfish. I'd agree with that." Then I told him that it bothers me that she leaves no room for his family and friends and doesnt consider us, and that on top of his not wanting to say no is hard. I said, you guys knew they were decorating the church, yet you had to stop so she could shop on the way home. He said yeah, she thought we'd stop in here and run over there. I said "where was the consideration that you'd want to spend an hour or so here?" He said.. yeah, that's not right, and she springs stuff on me when I think I have time to hang out too. And to GF's defense, S19 should speak up and not blame her because he isn't firm about what he wants to do. I know from experience that she often throws a fit if he doesnt do what she wants, but it's still no excuse. I think we're going to have to be careful to not let him play us against each other if they stay together. I think this is the first time I've actually recognized H's passive nature in S19 and I might mention it to S19 some time in the future and see if he sees that in himself too. I guess it's true that we learn how to act in R's from our parents! H has always let me plan our time. Some times that great, but it's a burden too, so I worry about S19 and his GF that they might re-create that pattern.. I see it in her parents R also... then again, I hope it's just me projecting!
We talked and planned a way for him to get some time in this weekend. He took D11 to decorate with them and came home and played with the boys for 30 mins before bedtime. He met H for lunch yesterday afternoon after he took GF shopping. I havent seen him since our talk But, he bought a suit yesterday and called me several times to ask my opinion on what he was buying. I love it that he still wants to talk to me and confide in me. It's SO hard though. He looks to me to make those hard decisions still and I'd love to, but it doesnt help him to grow. Letting go of that though, I worry that someone else is going to get that job and he still won't be making his own decisions. But, I can't control that either!
Please say a prayer for S19 and his GF. I've protected every little hair on his head for so long that I hate to see him give up his independence so easily. He's pretty stubborn when he needs to be, but he's just such a nice and agreeable person that I worry he'll give up his life inch by inch. I found an old notebook of his that he wrote his life goals in. I'm worried for those dreams of his. Some of them he's well on the road to accomplishing, and others he's looking forward to.
If you have anything to share on this subject, feel free! This is our first to leave the nest and I've always called him our experimental child, but shouldnt it be easier at this point?
H and I haven't spent much time together, but the time we've had has been pleasant. My GAL is in full gear and so is his it seems. I have to wonder about us functioning so well when we hardly see each other! 
But, he bought a suit yesterday and called me several times to ask my opinion on what he was buying. I love it that he still wants to talk to me and confide in me. It's SO hard though. He looks to me to make those hard decisions still and I'd love to, but it doesnt help him to grow. Letting go of that though, I worry that someone else is going to get that job and he still won't be making his own decisions. But, I can't control that either! 
