I'm so glad I came here and posted my negative thoughts! Not long after I posted last night H came to talk for a bit before bed time. He asked me what was on my mind and I told him that I was hesitant to discuss my feelings because we don't have a good track record there. I complain, he defends, I get frustrated because I think he doesnt understand and then he promises thing will be better. He accepted that and agreed. Then he talked about his day and pointed out how he'd handled thing differently. He said he knows there's still a lot to be done between us, but he wants me to know that it's on his mind and he's changing the way he thinks. He said that calling me about his change in work schedule was an example of how he's changing. Normally he would have waited until much later before mentioning it. He would have seen if he could get it worked out with his management before worrying me with it. Yesterday his first reaction was that he was ticked off and wanted to talk to me. So that's a good thing! He said that he's been looking at me the last week and seeing how happy I am and that it's wonderful to see me happy again. Then he asked again what was on my mind.
I told him that I'm afraid of living the illusion that we were happy before all of this happened. And I'm afraid that we won't make changes to keep this from happening again. He helped me to realize that our happiness wasnt an illusion. We WERE happy and going back there doesnt mean we'll end up here again. It's OK to be happy, we just have to make some changes and we're both working on that.
I hadnt realized how conflicted I've been. I miss the life we had and tell myself that I can't have it again because it was a lie. It wasn't a lie. H wasnt communicating his feelings to me and we ended up having alot of problems that neither he nor I knew how to handle.
He gave me some examples of how he's trying to share his feelings with me; calling about his work problems; expressing his anger at his parents;actually responding to me when I discuss how it frustrates me that he's so short-tempered with the kids. I didnt realize that he wasnt defensive when we discussed that, but he wasnt. I was reading Loving What Is Sat and he was complaining that S19 hadnt called even though we'd both asked him to call us back Sat. We talked about it for a bit and I finally asked him did he want to be upset and believe that Matt doesnt care about his family, or would he rather pick up the phone and check on his son? He did the latter and asked me to read the forward of the book to him when he got off the phone.
I think the thing that hit me most about our convo was what he said about my attitude the last week and the effect it's had on him. I've been happy, cheerful, positive, detached but loving and it's helped him to relax and be happy too. He said he's just so "grateful" that I'm happy again. Is that because he feels guilty when I'm unhappy and thinks he's caused it? I'm working hard on making myself happy, but it'll take awhile to get there. For all the problem fixing I've had hanging over my head with H, he may have a fair share of that hanging over his concerning my happiness. I've given him that power and that expectation. I'm aware of it now and it sounds weird, but I don't want him to determine what he does based on whether it'll make me happy. I understand that will mean of letting go of some *wants*, and taking care of my own needs, but that's the healthy way to live I think. To meet my own needs and know that what he gives is love, and genuine, not something that he was coerced or guilted into doing, even if its subconcious.
