Just venting tonight. I feel bad for venting this, because it's fear, and I'm confused about what to do with this.
That said, I'll list some positives first. Was a pleasant day. H kissed me goodbye when he left for work. It left me wide awake at 4AM, but I'm not going to shoot him down if he's doing something sweet. He called this afternoon very frustrated because they want to change his work schedule to noon to 8:30 in Jan. That'll suck because he'll also work weekends and we'll only have a few hours a week that me and the kids see him. He had quite a long rant and I listened. I normally would have been upset anticipating the crappy work schedule, but I wasnt upset. This isnt my problem or issue to deal with, it's entirely his and all I can do is offer moral support. Other decisions are his to make. At the end of the convo he was apologetic and said "I can't work those hours". I said "well, yeah you can. You might choose not to, but you can if that's what you decide is the best option" A 180 for me not offering advice at all.
He called later and said they needed him to ref tonight and did I mind. He's busy every night this week except Weds (which is church night) and Friday (I'm taking D11 and her GFs to a movie and shopping). He knew this is the only evening we could spend together and said "I won't do it if you dont want me to" I said (cheerfully!) "I don't mind at all" He asked again and called later to re-confirm. Said he told the guy to stop calling him and asking him the day he needs someone. I told him it's fine, I didnt have anything planned except for doing a project with the kids and we could do that whether he's at home or not" I got home and he was up in S19s room organizing it. WTF? If any of you have college kids, maybe you can relate to their bedroom becoming storage in the off season. He comes home unloads.. shuffles through.. piles up, and leaves. Add to that that H put some storage boxes in there last week, it was a mess. He had totally cleaned up the room and organized some things. He took me up to see it and I told him thanks that S19 will really appreciate it and gave him a hug. He was affectionate and kissed me all over my face and told me I'm beautiful and sweet. Basically a normal, relaxed hour before he left the house, which is a good thing.
Here is the vent. This feels so much like how we used to live our life. Sounds wonderful, huh? Loving W and H.. taking care of things together, being sweet. BUT.. that's what I fear. That we'll go back to that place where we smoothed things over and our happy life was an illusion waiting to blow up on us. Underneath all the smiles and hugs were so many things that we didnt talk about or deal with. We rarely did things together or went out without the kids and we're not doing that now either. We don't spend time together alone talking or just being together. We do family stuff together, talk on the phone during the day, but when we get home, he does his thing (watches TV) and I do mine. I feel like he doesnt reach out for QT with me, or to just sit and talk with me. If I try to initiate it, it's tense and he seems irritated by any interaction that lasts more than 10 minutes. Since he's back in our BR, he's stopped doing his bible study or taking initiative towards going to counseling again. This irks me. I've often said if I'd just shut up and be a good little wife things would go right back to normal, H will be happy, the kids will be happy and I'll just stay in my own little world making nice and smiling. I've seen what is broken in our R over the last year, and we need to not just fix the last year, but some other stuff too. Not sure if we'll ever do that.
So, that's my vent. I should be thrilled maybe because I've been asking for my happy life back. For H that seems to mean creating his parents R. Go to work, come home, take care of things around here. He watches TV while I do other stuff, and then start over the next day. I was thinking today when he was upset about the new work schedule that it's not much different than what we do now except he has more time with the kids than he'll have in Jan. Other than that, we don't spend more than a couple hours a week one-on-one with each other and that's basically housekeeping and kids talk, so what's to miss in our R? I've tried and tried to express my feelings about this to him and he gets defensive. He says I don't give him credit for what he does. And I agree, he does a lot for the kids, for the household.. things he didnt used to do. How do I tell him that I need a part of him that's devoted to me personally? His time, his energy, his affection, his friendship? I've said I need that and he says he'll try and lists all the things he does to show me he loves me. When he first moved back in, we spent tons of QT together, but now that he's back "in" it's tapered off. He has a hard time giving that to the kids too. He'll take care of them all day long, but QT, as far as playing, reading, talking - he just doesnt reach out in those ways. He's never done that. Even with S19 (and it's a sore spot with S19), he doesn't "do" things with him. S19 and H agreed to get their dive certification and S19 did it.. H hasnt yet. I've asked him to take up countless activities with me.. he's tried a couple of times and just fizzled out. I truly wonder what companionship will look like when the kids are grown. I see what it means to his parents and I'd call it existing in the same house, but who knows.. maybe I'm nuts.
Maybe tommorow I'll feel differently and someday we'll start being more than housemates (yeah, I know, he can be very sweet, he hugs me and kisses me, but isnt there more than that sometimes?) And this vent doesnt mean that I don't appreciate the peace we've found (for now!), it just means that we're not there yet, and I still don't know if we will be. I'm not going to complain to H about this because although things are better, not much has changed as far as his actions towards getting counseling and learning to communicate and not lying to me (although this is bothering me less and less because I think I have a game plan for future lies)
Thanks for listening to me vent. The good thing about this one is that I don't feel *emotional* about all of this. It's just the way it is and the answer still isnt going to show up at my door tonight.
