Thanks Bruce I probably could use a little coaching! The thing is.. the 4 questions aren't all that hard, but Katie uses many other questions and observations that might be hard to get to when doing it as a individual, especially when the thoughts are strung together in order to justify an attitude or an action that's a ingrained, it might be hard to admit the truth and let it go.

Anyway, here goes, the 4 questions are; Is it True?; Can you absolutely know it's true?; Who would you be without that thought?; and then the turn around.


Is it true that J left us and chose A over his family?

J did leave us. The first time I asked him to leave, so he left, but not because he wanted to. When I asked him to come home after his A, he wouldnt. I told him that he could come home if he gave up his R with A and went to counseling, but he still wouldnt come home. He said it was because he had things to sort out and needed space. So, I thought it was because he wanted to be with her, but he said it wasn't. He called and visited and started IC, said he wanted to save our M. H didnt ever say that he didnt want to come home because of A, but I thought that was the reason. When he finally came home again, I found out that he was still talking to A and told him to end it or leave. He chose to leave. I took that as proof that she was more important than me. He said that wasn't it, it was that he didnt have feelings of love for me and that was the reason. I talked to A and she said that they weren't involved, and only friends at that point. H contradicted himself many times while going through this - he said he thought about dating her, but they knew it wouldnt work. And he said that it was never a choice between me and her, it was more that he was tired of not feeling anything and didnt want to hurt me.

Can I absolutely know it's true that J left us and chose A over his family? No, I can't know that absolutely. He had a lot of reasons for leaving, his depression, his anger because I asked him to leave, that he wanted to change and he said not living with us might motivate him. So no, I don't know that he chose A over his family absolutely. Maybe I tell myself that was the reason to avoid other reasons that would include myself as part of the problem. It would help me to avoid the guilt of asking him to leave in the first place, and the guilt of being angry at him for being depressed. Which would be so unloving, to be angry for something he had little control over. And focusing on the A is an easy way to end our R if I can't do the work to help fix it. I can just blame it on his A and the fact that I can't forgive him.

(she uses other questions to clarify) How do I react when I think this thought? I feel sad, angry, hurt. When I believe this thought I treat him badly. I don't treat him with love and respect. I push him away and reject him.

Who would you be without that thought? I'd be the person that J loves. I'd be free to believe the things he does that show me he loves me. I'd be able to accept that he's here right now and not with A. That he didnt choose her over us, or leave her for us. I'd be able to believe that he's here because he loves us and wants to be here. And I'd believe that whatever he had with A was fleeting and insignificant compared to what we share.

(clarifying question) Can I see a reason to drop the thought that J left is and chose A over his family. Yes, I can that. He left us, but came back. He didnt choose A over us, or he wouldn't be here with us right now.

Turn around "J chose A over us" - "J chose us over A"
"J chose A over us" - " I chose A over us" By focusing so much on his A, being angry, pushing J away, not forgiving, I wasn't helping to solve our problems or be someone that J would want to come home to.
"J left us" - "I left J. When we started having problems I asked him to leave and abandoned him emotionally and physically. I didnt listen to him and I pushed him away"

Journalling:

Going through that dialogue is an eye opener to me. I've tried to admit my part in our problems, but I haven't seen how holding on to the thought of him leaving me and it being all his fault, him wanting someone else more than me has been creating so much anger and turmoil. I don't agree with the way my H has handled so many things over the last 9 months, but I don't agree with how I've handled a lot of things either. It's hard to let go and realize that I can choose to think about this the way I have been, or to look at it more realistically. He doesnt have to be here with me. Even without OW, he couldve chosen to be on his own, but he didnt. So I guess it's time to let go of a lot of that stuff and put it behind us. I can say he shouldve done things differently, but I have no right to say he didnt do things exactly the way he should have for himself. I have no way of knowing what the right way to get through that was for him and no right to dictate that. The truth is that he's home, and the way he handled it (no matter my opinion) brought him back to his family.

Good weekend here H is actually sleeping in our room again. It happened without a R discussion, and we still havent had a discussion about it. The only thing that's come close is that he had a bad day yesterday and he said at least he gets to come home where he's loved. He hasnt made one promise about his job and I havent mentioned it either. He's not promised a thing, and I havent pried about his feelings. It's weird because I want to talk to him, but he just doesnt need to the way I do. I've been on the lookout for the ways he shares his feelings with me. He shares them, but I have to pay close attention. He expresses his feelings in very short statements. Like "I'm frustrated" and he may or may not elaborate at all on that. We had an issue with his parents that he stewed on awhile last night and was going to call his dad because he was angry. I listened and didnt say anything. I would usually encourage him to call and talk to them. And I thought about it and realized that H is different. If he called they would argue.. if it was me, I could call and not argue with them. So while calling and resolving the problem would be a good solution for me, it's obviously not the best for him because he didnt call and he's not mentioned again since last night.

Ive done a few "wifey" things for H today. I dropped the rope on everything for him personally and now I feel pretty unobligated to take care of him.. it's a relief. Tonight I made him a plate of leftovers to take for lunch just because I wanted to.

Oh yeah, I just remembered. I roasted a chicken for dinner and asked H if he was gong to eat some. He's vegetarian, but has talked about eating chicken when we do. We both used to be vegan.. the only meat I eat is chicken or turkey, fish.. H will eat fish sometimes. He hasnt been eating right and he said he might put some chicken back in his diet. It's not always easy to cook so he gets his protein and the kids have meat. Anyway, when I asked him he got irritated and said "No, why would you think I'd eat chicken?" and I said "You said you were thinking about it, but if you don't it's fine. I just didnt make you any protein" He put part of a breast on his plate and ate it and then went back and got the other part of it and said it was good. In the past this would have turned into a big debate about him eating what he wants and me ending up feeling like I was being bossy. So progress there.. I didnt push and he didnt get defensive.

I also ironed his uniform while he went and picked the kids up from choir practice. I did it because I wanted to help him out. He did the grocery shopping today and it saved me so much time. He also took the boys for a haircut without me asking (just because they needed one!)and let me relax this afternoon. In return I made sure everyone was quiet so he could nap and went and picked our friend's dog up from the kennel because they were only open for pickup while he was napping.

We're working pleasantly together around here without any pushing or pulling and that's a good change. hmm.. maybe it's called consideration for each other. We've needed that for a long time.

Thanks for listening.

Sheila