I'm back to this thread because don't know if we'll piece back together, but I also don't know that we wont.

I've added another SH book to my arsenal, and this one is something that I'm already seeing results with as far as my PMA. So until the time when I know what I know, I thought I'd work through some stuff journalling. The book is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. I've seen it mentioned on the BB by someone (if I could remember I'd give you credit!). The basic concept is that by applying four questions to a specific problem it will help you to see what is troubling you differently. To quote Byron Katie "It's not the problem that causes our suffering; it's our thinking about the problem." Understanding that our R tends to go in the direction of my attitude (unless H has done something particularly disruptive), improving my thoughts can't hurt. The more I concentrate on H's flaws and problems the harder it becomes for me to stay here. I'd venture to say that his problems aren't huge because we've had periods of relative piece, but I know he has major issues, and a few of them are very hard to live with day to day. The point is, can I love him in spite of those issues and not make them mine? And can he learn to manage his problems on his own, change what he wants to change, and be happy. I don't know, but I do know that the answer isn't going to show up on my door today, so finding peace is the best place to start. The boundaries are in place. I need to find a way to lovingly enforce those specific things without bringing additional turmoil into our situation. When H steps over the line, I tend to dig up more reasons that this R can't work instead of focusing specifically on what I'd like him to change. The discussions we have are defensive and don't produce positive changes. Maybe if I can change the way I think, it'll help both of us to focus on solutions instead of rehashing and defending ourselves.

The first part of what Katie calls The Work is to write a statement/judgement about someone without censoring it. She says to be judgemental, harsh, childish, and petty, totally honest about how you feel. To point the blame to people who've hurt you, caused anger, jealousy, etc. After doing this, the questions will be applied to each statement in order to find understanding.

It might take a bit for me to get a judgemental statement out about H. I do a lot of judging, but I went back and read my anger journal, and the statements were not pointedly judgemental. A lot of what's going on, how he contributed, how I contributed and they were solution oriented. I'll journal later when I can focus on my specific negative feelings about H. I'm kinda liking him right now because he fixed the dishwasher and put a new outlet in my bathroom this afternoon, so I'd hate to say anything bad about the guy who's renewed access to the hairdryer I'd say the dishwasher too, but it's been his peeve, not mine. I can wash by hand, but I don't air dry well!

Thanks for listening,

Sheila