Since H and I are no longer working towards reconciling , I've decided to relocate and stop taking up space in piecing. I'll probably relocate to surviving as that's what I'm going to be focusing on... getting through this without going insane! It's hard to live with H this way (not that he's making it hard, but that it's just a stressful situation). It's weird to live here and not have the closeness that we've always had. H has been clear that this is MY choice and I'm going to have to work through that notion. It is my choice, but it's not. I didnt want this..there just isnt a way to piece our R back together right now, and although I won't completely admit it, I dont hold out hope that we'll ever be H and W again. Too much under the bridge now and I have scraped the bottom of the barrel as far as options to change things. So, I'm going with Dr. Dobson on this one. If staying with H means that I must abandon self respect and the promise of a healthy, loving R, than I can't stay. It's doubtful that H will do the work it'll take to bring us together before it's too late for me. I can feel the door closing more and more every day.
I had a talk with my SIL this afternoon. She has a close friend who's sitch almost mirrors ours. Her H is verbally abusive and there's ALOT of infidelity involved. Hearing her talk about the cycles that her friend has been through, and the promises that her H has made, and his refusal to commit to working on the R made me think about what advice I'd give a close friend. I'd say "If he hasn't changed in 17 years (almost the same amount of time me and H have been together), and you've divorced and reconciled once (same as me and H) and the same behavior is still present, then it will probably still be the same in 17 more years. Let go.. get out. Her H also won't work on MC with her. My H will go, but not put in the work. Her H just doesnt show up. They have three kids at home the same age as ours too.. within a year anyway. I know this friend.. she's a wonderful person.. good wife.. great mother.. absolutely gorgeous... has tried everything. She just married someone who's not good for her. I did the same.
So, off with my rambling. I'll post in surviving the next time I post.
I'm hoping someone over there will understand how it feels to have to end something that you wanted to hold on to so badly. It's kinda like slitting my own throat, except the ending is gonna be much better when I get there!
