H not being in the bedroom is giving me way too much freedom to use the computer and neglect my sleep. But dang, I'm so relaxed when I'm not in constant contact with him.

I'm pretty sure either he hung up on her or he said something to her and she hung up on him. Well crud, I hope you don't receive the blunt of their disagreements because he isn't there to hear it!

This evening is good so far, but yes, she's definitely angry. Way angry. The stuff she was flinging at me would curl your hair (even more!). OK, what are your boundaries here? Have you decided that you'll listen to all of this and use it to benefit your sitch, or have you given yourself permission to not remove yourself and allow her to deal with it until she can be calm and reasonable? I'm heavily exploring my boundaries here.. it's amazing what they keep off my radar.

so thanks for that! I've filed your email, you know not what you do! You're welcome, and thanks for filing the email, I consider it an honor to be on that list. Ya know Bud, thinking about your W saying we're a bunch of whiners... well we're not, but we are genuine! And I wouldnt care if anyone here emailed me really, at least we know that much..no BS. This board has given me a much different view of people in general and more compassion. We just never know what's going on inside a person and I try to keep that in mind. I think I've read most of the threads here at least one time and don't post a lot, but read many regularly. All the different personalities are beautiful.. really.. and I know if the knowing started in person it would look SO different. A ramble.. aaack. See, I don't ramble in person, and my friends would be so surprised if they could see how random my mind really works

If you string together a couple of posts without a good response I start to feel bad (but I fight it, so don't worry ). OMG.. I'm not sure if I've ever been on a pity list! Whoo hoo! j/k I know that's not what you meant! Thanks for your posts The journalling unleashes so much for me. I'm a sharer in life, but I don't get to vent much anywhere else. I voice my opinion, thoughts when appropriate, but when it comes to probs, I tend to be on the listening end and I think people assume that I "have things under control". I generally don't but the fact that I don't let myself come too unravelled gives that appearance I think. It's like when I fell two years ago and cracked a vertebrae, I went on like I was a little sore and when I found out that I had actually damaged my spine, I was like "D*mn! I coulda gotten six weeks of bed rest out of that, but noooo I gotta be the tough girl" And sometimes when I see someone going through a rough spot and that their allowing themselves to be weak, I envy that ability. So, I come here to be weak, unravelled, unsure..whatever I am at the moment. It's very forgiving not having to answer to some of the cr*p that goes through my mind that I used to keep bottled up. Just the venting helps me so much to sort things out... especially when I'm being an a*s, and ya know what, that's OK.. I accept that my thoughts are selfish, blaming, screwed up sometimes, as long as I don't always act on them!

I'm thankful when someone wanders in and says hello and offers advice.. this has went on so long and it's hard to share with my friends and family much. I've made my bed so to speak and I can end this at any time, why burden them with worrying when I choose to remain?

I hope you and H can each continue down your healthy paths and then, well, who knows? Well put! And it's well after 10PM.. lol We actually had a R talk tonight.

He came home from the rec center and asked if I'm OK (what a surprise) Code words for H wants to talk until it's fixed again. I was laying on the couch, chilling watching criminal minds. H came over and sat on the coffee table. Little chit, chat then he said I could talk to him anytime.. he wants me to be able to do that, and he's glad we've been talking. I've kept my thoughts and feelings very quiet the last month, and was surprised that he things we've been communicating. I need to ponder that. I said, well, we really haven't discussed much. And he started...

H: You know I've been very frustrated with the job sitch and if I could just find another I think that would go along way towards us working things out. Then he started explaining for what he thinks he needs to do, but hasnt yet.

M: (thinking... ummmm.. this would have been a major catalyst months ago, but now, it's so much more about our R and less about OW) OK J.. I didnt mean to dig all that stuff up. We really don't have to go there. The time for that has past. What I'm saying is that I'm really OK with where we are right now. I realize I can't control this sitch and that's OK. What you choose to do, or not do is up to you and I'll be fine with whatever that is. No need to explain. I've finally realized that I didnt create this mess and I can't fix it. I can only fix the parts of me that contributed to our problems, but as far as OW and the last year, you say I didnt do anything to bring this on, that you were happy with me until you lost your job, matt went off to school and your world fell apart. So I have to assume other than not asking you to move out and realizing you were depressed there isn't much for me to do but accept the way you choose to handle your health, job, financial stuff and let you figure it out. Right now, we don't have a R that works for me. I can't tell you what you need to do, but I'll always be here to listen and help if you need it. I just can't jump in there and be involved in something that doesn't belong to me. It just frustrates both of us.
H: You're really OK with this ending aren't you?
M: Yeah, I really am. I've done the most I can do right now and that's OK. Unless we get to a place where we can both commit to counseling and being honest, what can I do, but be supportive of your choices and see if they get you there too? I didnt want it to end and I fought for it, but I could only give my 50%. The rest is up to you and you're not there right now, so if I'm not OK with it ending I'm stuck. I didnt make the decision for this to end. You made that decision when you made it clear through your actions that you're not ready to do counseling to make it better, communicate honestly, or work through our issues together. What real effort can I make if that's where we are? This simply can't be smoothed over with promises and us pretending that things will be OK in the future if we keep doing things the way we've always done them. I've wanted to change and be better in this R and it would have been good for all of us if we could've worked throught that together and been better for each other, but for now, I have to focus on changing the things in me that won't work for me regardless of what R I'm in.
H: I'm sorry I make you so miserable
M: You dont make me miserable.. at all. I won't let you make me miserable. What made me miserable was trying so hard for something that I couldnt get. That's the difference now. I'm happy with things the way they are. I'm happy with me, I'm happy with the kids, happy with my family, friends, my job. The thing that was making me so unhappy was that I wasn't taking care of those things and I was focusing on our R and wallowing in the problems that have no solution right now. I wasn't healing because I thought you had to fix things before I could heal.. I was waiting on you to get better, but I'm not now. My happiness can't be about where you are or what you do or not do.

blah, blah.. then there was talk again from H about what he's going to do and take care of. And I said, you don't have to explain to me, but I'll listen if you need me to. The thing is.. I've said it over and over and it's finally sunk in with ME.. the words are not what matters. It's the actions that matter. It's seeing you get your life together that will make a difference in whether or not I could ever be in our R again. If you take care of your health for you, and your responsibilities, and basically get in a good place, then those things might make it safe again. I know it sounds like I'm still giving you a list and I don't know how else to say it, but I just really really hope that you take the opportunity to find out what makes you happy and to be the person you want to be because you've expressed so many times that you want to change things about yourself. If you try to do it to keep me, or for me, the timeline on that is short in your mind and you'll burn out trying to accomplish a long process by yesterday. But if you do it for you.. then you have a lifetime to accomplish that.

That's it.. interesting.. not sure what to make of it, but was a reinforcement of dropping the rope.

Nite!!