If I said H is having a hard time letting go, I could say it again. And we had quite a night here between S19s GF pouting because he wanted to stay here and decorate for Christmas and H being upset because she was being controlling with S19. Long long story, but I think the issues have been resolved. I have to hand it to Matt, he has the patience of Job. And he didnt sweep it under the rug with his GF, so that's a positive!
H and I did have an R talk last night. Good evening, he was helpful and happy while putting up the tree. Sat is soup night at our house so I made chicken noodle, and tortilla soup and hoagies.. baked some PB cookies and made spiced cider. Was yummy and left us all complaining about how much we've eaten this week! Just a wonderful evening with the people I love.
H didnt mention talking and neither did I. He smacked me on the butt playfully a few times while I was cooking, and asked me for a hug. Then when I was changing into my night clothes he came in the BR and watched. I didnt say anything, or act like I picked up on what he was doing at all. We watched "A Christmas Story" with D11 and H waited until I was ready to go to bed before he went. I know he was very tired. He's sleeping with me since Matt's home, but I was still surprised that he wanted to talk that late and lying in bed.
H: I don't know how to answer your not M: I didnt expect an answer, I was just trying to tell ou that you don't have to worry about me. H: Really? You're really OK right now? M: Yeah really. I mean, not that this isn't hard, but I'm in a better place and can accept that we're not going to work this out H: Do you feel a sense of relief? M: hmmm.. relief in the sense that I can let go of working on our R and giving it so much of my energy. But it also comes with a burden of the future. What am I gonna do.. being a single parent, making my own decisions. So not relief, I just accept where we are and that I can't control or do anything much about it. We've given it 7 months and havent really gotten very far together and I don't see where giving it more time is going to help all that much. I mean, this stuff has been going on for years and years. H: Well, I know I'm not giving up on us. I'm still going to do what you've asked me to do. M: You don't think you could let go too? I mean, why put a lot of effort into doing things to make me happy at this point? I mean, if it couldnt be done while we're together, will there be motivation when we're not? H: I need to do this stuff for me too. And I can see what you've been saying and what you've asked of me and it's all things that I need to be doing whether we're together or not. I feel bad because I know I've caused this and hurt you and the responsibility is on my shoulders. I need to make it right with me and with you if I can. M: This isnt about blame.. really it's not. Maybe in the past I wouldve agreed, but maybe it's just that this R isnt good for either of us and we need to accept that. Why does it have to be it would work if... or you did this or I did that.. ? I mean, you're a good person and have a right to be who you are without me telling you that you need to change, or pushing for changes you don't choose to make. H: You really think that? I don't think I'm such a good person. Look what I've put our family through in the last year. I'm not giving up on showing you that I can give you what you need.
Then I talked a long time about how I feel and how disappointed I am that I've allowed myself to be pushed as far as I have. And that I allowed myself to stay in a R that wasn't working for me and a place where I was so angry, resentful and full of hatred. I said "what does it say about me that I don't recognize that me pushing for you to change should have been an indication that our R was impacting me in a way that was destructive? I should know if I feel a need to change someone to that level and keep pushing that I need to step back and get out before I change who I am in order to cope. I should never think I have a right to demand that someone else change because what they're doing is something I can't deal with. I communicate that, but to take over, try to fix things, try to live someone else's life because I don't agree with how they're living it is just wrong. I never ever want to be a hateful, controlling, b*tch again in my life. If that means that I have to set boundaries and realize that I can't control how someone treats me, but I can control if I'm in that R or not, then that's what I need to do.
That's basically it. H asked me for another hug this morning and I gave it to him. He was discussing some job stuff with me. He has to go in to work at 4AM and apologized for that... I told him it's OK with me and he doesnt need to explain his work schedule to me. The he was telling me about some extra money he has coming in and I told him that it's his money to do what he wants with. Reminded him that we're financially separate other than sharing the bills here. He said OK.
Better interaction on the same subjects. I feel appropriately detached at this point. A little sad, but not pushing to work through that. The goal is to get through the holidays and enjoy my family. The rest will work itself out and I don't need to push for separation or a resolution. H isn't holding on with grippers and that's nice. If nothing else, I think he realizes there's been a line drawn in the sand and I'm not budging. What he chooses to do about that is his choice. It would take so much to keep us together, but I'm not going there mentally either. It puts me into "work on this R" mode and I definately need to be working on ME right now. Looking forward to it! I'm finding out that I am capable of relaxing and not as naturally driven as I've thought. I just don't have the motivation to do much right now but relax and figure out which direction I'm gonna row my boat. Oh, and I'm giving up unecessary apologies. I'm doing quite good at it too. I realized after my T-giving nap that it was something I would've felt guilty for in the past.. need to stop that!
