It's been a nice few days here. Not as emotionally tense. I've had the days at home with the kids and except for T-giving, H has been working. Have had some great discussions with S19 regarding his R with his GF and how serious they are, and I think S19's head is in the right place... no worries of an impending wedding anyway!
H hasnt said ILU this week at all, and seems to be detaching some, but still throwing the occasional dart my way. Asking if I'm OK, attempting to get me to discuss my feelings I think. He's kissed me on the head every night before bed and said "sleep well". We all went to the movies last night and he asked a couple of times if I'm OK. I said, "yeah, I'm fine". And then he said "Im worried about you". I asked why and he said, "because I care about you. Every once in awhile you get a look on your face that makes me worry" I said "I'm fine really. Dont worry about the looks I get, they're nothing I'm sure"
Last night I re-read a good bit of love must be tough. I can see H's questioning, and last night he re-emerged from the bedroom to inquire again if I'm OK and kiss me on the top of the head, so I know he's getting anxious for a R talk to see where I am. I also know from the past, that a R talk will lead to him defending anything I say, and promising to change, telling me that we're going to work this out, and it'll be fine. So, I say I'm fine, because any other response will lead to a reassurance that we're going to make it together and put him back into a comfortable spot believing we are. The last R disc we had, I was very clear that things are not going to work with the way they've been going.
Anyway, I re-read Love Must Be Tough and decided to reinforce our last convo with a letter. I can say what I need to say without H defending or promising, etc. It will prevent an argument and allow me to clearly state some things without H downplaying my feelings along the way, and me having to argue with him why things won't work this way and them him saying "but I'm trying!"
I wrote the letter and left it by the coffee pot. Here is the gist, but not word for word:
Dear J:
I just wanted to write you a not to tell you that I'm OK and there's no need to worry about me. I'm getting to a much better place and I have a lot on my mind, but not to worry you at all.
After several emotional months which led to me pushing for what I thought we needed in our R, I've been able to step back and see just how hard I've pushed and that it's not fair to you. I have no right to demand/control what you choose to do, or what you think is best for our R. I apologize for not understanding that you're not ready or aren't able to do some of the things I've asked.
I want to reassure you that I've had the best intentions for us and didnt realize how hard I was pushing you to give more than you're able. When I asked you to leave your job, it was because I know I cant trust or have loving feelings for you when you still have contact every day with her. When I pursued counseling and insisted we go, I was trying to get help for us so we could start to re-build our R on a good foundation. The bible study, the same... I honestly thought that learning to communicate better and share our feelings would lead to us finding solutions to our problems. I didnt realize that you werent ready for that and would struggle with opening up and working on our R. The suggestions about the Dr, meds, your health in general, finances, were all made to encourage you to take care of yourself and get to a place where we could give us a chance by working together. I see now that you werent ready for such a big burden, and I accept that. I also accept that we are very different people with different wants and needs. And it's OK. I don't ever want to push you to a place where you feel guilty and inadequate, because you have a right to live your life without me judging the way you choose to live it.
I want you to be happy and have a good life. I'm glad that we've reached a point where we can be friends and not hate each other, because I think lately we've been working towards that. That's not the outcome I want for us, as we have four good reasons to maintain a caring R with each other.
I hope we can both support each other as me move forward and work through our problems individually and lead our separate lives. Maybe some day I'll learn to push less, and you'll learn to be more open and that you're capable of more than you give yourself credit for. I regret that we havent been able to work through our differences that last months. I appreciate the effort you gave to our R. I know from our conversations that there are many things you've wanted to do that you just havent been able to right now and I don't hold hard feelings towards you at all. All I had a right to ask is that you try, and we've certainly given it enough effort that we can both move forward and feel that we've done enough.
Please don't worry about me, every day gets a little better, and although I don't know exactly what's making you worry, I can assure you that I've arrived in a much better place the last few weeks than I've been in since this started. I only ask that you be patient with me when my moods reflect feelings that are at times difficult to work through. I'll be patient with you as I know that you have issues that are on your mind too.
Had a note from H this morning:
Lil (my pet name that he hasnt used in weeks),
I left my van keys in your purse. I got your note and would love to talk to you about it. I miss you.
Love,
JJ (his pet name that I havent used in weeks)
I ran to the grocery this morning and while I was gone, H called. He didnt call at all while he was at work yesterday. He left a message for S19 to tell me that he loves me and will call later. H called a few minutes ago to see if we want to decorate for Christmas this afternoon while S19 is home, and told me he'll call me back when he leaves work. No ILUs, no mention of the notes or talking about it.
After replying to AZs posts above I realized that there are things H could still do. He has the list and knows what it'll take. Basically him pursuing counseling and showing me that he's working hard on it and will get MC with me, finding another job and taking responsiblity for his finances, and not lying to me anymore about anything. This is the minimum, the rest can be negotiated. He knows all of this. I'm not going to repeat it, and I'm not going to respond to promises for him to deliver in the future. My only indication of his commitment and intentions from now on will be his actions. Because truthfully, it's great that he wants to do what's right, but if he never follows through, it doesnt matter. He'll want to talk today probably, and I need to figure out how I'm going to handle it, firmly, but lovingly. I know from the past, that he'll want the convo to end with me saying I'm going to keep trying, and then we can pick up our R again in a way that's comfortable for him.. without the distance, me withdrawing my feelings (this drives him nuts), withdrawing affection, and with him being able to verbally express his feelings and know that I've been reassured that he's trying and it's going to be OK. Well.. it's not going to happen. Going grey and withdrawing and not pursuing is having an effect on him. It might be the biggest way to encourage him to take action. And yeah, if he has to move out on his own to realize he has to take responsibility, then so be it. These are deal breakers for me and I won't move forward until I actually see that he's being honest, taking finacial responsibility, taking responsibility for the affects of his affair, and considering my feelings instead of smoothing things over with words.
So, my goals for the convo are:
Act AS IF I'm fine with things the way they are and don't expect him to change just to make me happy. Reinforce that I know he's been sick and I understand that he just can't do some things for our R right now, and that it's OK If it comes to this: explain to him that I won't consider a future R without counseling and seeing some changes first. That I think it's unproductive to argue about what he can and cannot change right now and that I'd rather accept things the way they are and be his friend because the cycle we've had is destructive for both of us. Tell him that I have a lot of growing to do and am excited about doing that and enjoying life again. That I care for him and hope we can have a caring friendship for our kids' sake. That I hold no ill feelings for him and don't blame him for what's happened.. we're both responsible for our shortcomings in our R and that I'm proud we gave it the effort we have. That I'll be patient while he gets on his feet and help if I can as he decides when/where he's going to move.
I'm afraid there will be a point where he gets angry with me at talk about moving and separating. I'm not sure how to handle that exactly. I dont want to argue with him. And I dont want to put the burden on him either.. such as "well, if you'd have done this or that.. but you havent" For whatever reasons, H hasnt been able to follow through on things, but it really is OK with me at this point. I don't want to live that way anymore, but I'm tired of being angry. It might be the depression, his passiveness, whatever the reason is, I'm not holding it against him. But, I don't feel that I need to just be patient until he changes either. That's doing us no good and it's not loving. It's like hearing an alcoholic promise he'll quit drinking and supporting that. I can't be loving and stay in a dishonest, manipulative R with H anymore. So, how do I say, we need to split but it's OK and I don't blame you, I just accept what you can give and it's not what I need right now without unleashing the anger, promises, etc?
