AZ,

Are you saying that your wife is dealing with a mountain of doubt, or a mountain to climb as far as changing?

Is there anything my H could do? Absolutely. He's had a couple things written down for months. He could start by never lying to me again and sharing his issues/problems with me honestly. He could call our MC and start going again, or find someone else to go to, or even schedule Retrovaille, and then WORK on it. Work on and understand how destructive our methods of communicating with each other are. If he'd do that, I'd be behind working on this again at least because we've been there and he played at it. He could call the sitter and take me out on a date.. or he could just wait until our next Thurs off (when we dont need a sitter) and plan the day for us. He could quit rescheduling his psych visits. He could show me that he's willing to work towards something that takes an effort and not just glide through life doing the easy stuff. Set a goal and work to get there would be good! Lets see.. he could get his hiney out of his job and away from OW. He could start a bible study or start praying with me and the kids again. He could stop being defensive and making excuses when there's a problem and start helping me look for solutions that work for us both. Then he could stick to what we agree and not change his mind without talking to me first. He could manage his money and stop hiding his spending from me. He could show an interest in what his kids are doing instead of acting like Im a nag when I mention something he can do with them. He could deal with the probs he has with his family instead of keeping the rest of us in suspense wondering if they'll be a part of our lives in the future or not. Right now he refuses to take our kids to see his parents, yet plans on going to visit on Christmas.. dont get that at all! Anything that would show me that he is thinking things through and acting on fixing what needs to be fixed instead of smoothing things over, making excuses, promises or forever saying he's trying, but just can't get there would be WONDERFUL. He's helping out a lot more around here right now but he's not taking responsibility any more than he ever has. If he just picked up a R book and read it from cover to cover (there has to be 10 in the basket by the couch right now!), I'd probably be shocked speechless for days. Let alone how I'd act if he wanted to talk about it or apply anything to our R.

See, there are a million things he could do, but he chooses to keep going down cheeseless tunnels. I bet you asked that question to get some insight into your sitch and what you can do? I think the best bet is to just ask your W and ask until she can tell you what it is. Because, if my H asked now, he wouldnt get the list I typed above.. I've already asked for those things many times with no results. Repeating it just give him an opportunity to promise that he'll do it.. and hopefully I'll believe that promise and we can get back to normal on my belief. Unfortunately, if he wants to change anything, he's going to have to revisit what he can do all by himself and start working on it in a way that screams to me that he's willing to work on our R and change.. and BTW, help me by letting me know what I can change for him too because it's a two way street. I've always been willing to meet his needs, but he's rarely shared them with me. So, I scurry around and try to figure out what he wants/needs.. to be the best person I can be for him and then fall short in some way.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the rant in answer to your question. I didnt know there was so much that I'd like to see from H until you asked, and I also didnt realize that at this point, I'm through enough to stop asking him for those things. I'm almost afraid he'll start changing because it certainly feels like it's too late now. The trust isnt there... I can't promise it could ever be there for him again. To commit to a R that I feel I'll never be able to relax in again is a scary thought!

Off to bed for me! We've been cooking most of the day and having a good time. Everything is ready to set the table and enjoy Thanksgiving. The kids always write what they're thankful for (on some holiday themed construction paper shape) and stick it under the dining room table glass. They havent done that yet, so I'm excited to see what they'll say. Matt has chosen pilgrim hats..lol. Other than that and mashed potatoes, we're ready to eat! And play S2 has learned how to play UNO so I'm looking forward to having our first holiday card game with the entire family... just hearing him call out the right colors in his sweet little voice warms my heart.

Happy Turkey day to everyone.. can ya tell it's one of my fav holidays? FOOD! Oh yeah, Brooke made her first T-giving food (Matt does pumpkin pies). An apple autumn cake (I think). It looks yummy.. cream cheese frosting, and it's so moist and crumbly, they were calling it the leper cake. The cake kept crumbling under the heavy frosting. We pasted it together pretty well and she didnt shed a tear (major accomplishment for my little perfectionist). Ty helped bake some cookies, and I heard Brooke say they were going to bake some more in the AM, so maybe the boys will have something to bring to the table too. We love to cook together as a family and with Matt away at college, it makes it all the more special to just have him here for awhile messing up the kitchen makes home feel more like home.

blah blah..ramble ramble.. too much coffee today! g'nite!