Hi AZ Boy, I wish I had good advice to give that would help ease your confusion. Unfortantely, I'm finding in my sitch that the confusion is part of the process of making a decision that's painful to make. Do I hold on and hope and maybe end up here hurt again, or do I let go and hurt and maybe be alone and empty. Each choice has its positives and negatives. I think the thing for me is realizing that it'll be painful, but I'll ultimately be OK without this R. I'm going to have to fill that emptiness up with something, it just doesnt have to be H, or maybe as time goes on, I'll accept that emptiness as a part of being born into this world alone. Burgbud had great insight into that a couple of posts ago and pointed out that some people turn to God to fill that emptiness. And depending upon your religious beliefs that could be a way to turn. I'm a Christian, and I understand that dependence on God in my life, but my focus on H and our R has slowed down that relationship and other Rs in my life. I think instead of looking at what I'm missing with H and how good it COULD be, I'm going to have to look within myself, turn to my God, and my family and friends when I'm feeling empty and alone. Being concious of what I'm doing to fill the emptiness is going to be key for me. I had in the past a pattern of turning to another R, or things that aren't good for me to keep from feeling empty.
How did I come to this decision. Hmmm.. if I've decided once and for all (the confusion remember). By overturning every stone for a solution, by giving everthing I have for the last 5 years and still arriving at this place in our R. That, and I recognize in H an pattern of thinking that I'm not sure he'll ever change. I can't describe it, except that he doesn't see things the way I do so I know it would be almost impossible to negotiate a better R with him in the future. I don't doubt that he loves me deeply, or that I feel the same about him. Given what we've been through, we're surprisingly close. But, the lying.. deal breaker. I'm admitting to myself that I can't get past that, so why even ask H to try to climb that mountain? We both have the potential to lead happy lives, but to do that, I honestly believe that we need to be free of this life together. He wakes up with a mountain to climb every morning..not a clean slate. And, I wake up with a mountain of doubt too. I can see him moving on, becoming financially responsible and maturing. And I can see him starting another R determined to not make the same mistakes and not starting a cycle of deceit to avoid conflict. I hope for him anyway! I can also see me starting anew, although not as clearly as H. I think the potential for him to change is greater than for me. Because the things I'd need to change are being able to deal with dishonesty, and being understanding when promises aren't kept, etc. I don't see me embracing those values, but I can see me choosing a mate that isnt passive or insecure, or that will dread my reaction if they have bad news. H's probs I can see him taking to his next R if he doesnt change, and I can see me taking mine along if I choose the same kind of person. Dont get me wrong.. I have loads to work on to have a healthy relationship in the future, but it's mostly going to be working through how I got here, and how I've allowed myself to become such a fixer, controller if you will. I think the more I take care of myself and set boundaries in my Rs the more I'll distance myself from the cycles we've had in our R.
So.. I guess if you define your goal and stick to it, and try everything possible, you'll know when you need to make a decision. If your W isnt working on your R or meeting your needs, you'll do much better the more you work on GAL and meeting your own needs, accepting and loving yourself. And there might be a day when you look in the mirror and say "I'm worth more than this. This isnt my fault. I need more than this, and if I can't have it with W, I give myself permission to stop trying because I've done everything I know and she's still not in the game with me"
Good luck AZ. Don't fight the confusion. Accept it as part of the process and let there be a limit to what you'll put yourself through for another person. There comes a point (and I reached it long ago, and each person has to decide what that is in their sitch) when we're not giving them love, we're just denying ourselves self respect in a last ditch effort to show them how much we love them and care.. always hoping they'll see the light and change.
Happy Turkey Day to everyone, and good luck to you AZ. I feel your frustration, and I'm sorry you've found yourself in this place.
Boy, I wish I had good advice to give that would help ease your confusion. Unfortantely, I'm finding in my sitch that the confusion is part of the process of making a decision that's painful to make. Do I hold on and hope and maybe end up here hurt again, or do I let go and hurt and maybe be alone and empty. Each choice has its positives and negatives. I think the thing for me is realizing that it'll be painful, but I'll ultimately be OK without this R. I'm going to have to fill that emptiness up with something, it just doesnt have to be H, or maybe as time goes on, I'll accept that emptiness as a part of being born into this world alone. Burgbud had great insight into that a couple of posts ago and pointed out that some people turn to God to fill that emptiness. And depending upon your religious beliefs that could be a way to turn. I'm a Christian, and I understand that dependence on God in my life, but my focus on H and our R has slowed down that relationship and other Rs in my life. I think instead of looking at what I'm missing with H and how good it COULD be, I'm going to have to look within myself, turn to my God, and my family and friends when I'm feeling empty and alone. Being concious of what I'm doing to fill the emptiness is going to be key for me. I had in the past a pattern of turning to another R, or things that aren't good for me to keep from feeling empty. 
