I'm getting to a better place with myself, so that's not a bad place to be in! I've considered not posting because I know my sitch is probably less than helpful or inspiring! It does me good to come here for support and the journalling helps me get my thoughts in order. But geesh, DBing isnt going to fix us. I think it's good for ME, but not our R. H is taking baby steps in some areas, and that confuses me. A part of me would like to believe there's a fix because he's making progress, but no matter how much changes, he won't stop lying to me, and diminishing that. I also have to admit that I've made a choice to not trust. It's been 18 years and if he's been lying to me for that long, it's not likely to change. It's part of who he is and how he handles problems and that's a deal breaker for me.
He keeps saying "I realize..." like he's realizing what needs to change, but the follow through isn't there. Since he mostly lies about finances, it would be nice to see how splitting things will affect his lying, but he does lie about other things if it suits him to. He hide anything at all that's negative, or he just doesnt want me to know it... sometimes the smallest silliest things to me. Then there's the emotional manipulation. I'm afraid he's just broken, and I can't fix him. I also can't justify putting myself through this much longer. I look at him and feel sad because I know he's in a bad place and there's not much I can do to make that better other than to continue sacrificing. That sacrifice has chipped away at me for so many years, I'm tired.
It could also be that he's felt some sort of pressure that's been lifted. I hope you at least let it feel good that he does, in fact, desire you. Even though he has problems with it sometimes. Maybe, I know the pressure has been lifted off of me and I'm not anxious about things as I was. And, you're right of course. He does desire me. I'm female, arent I? Seriously though.. I've told myself since the A that he must not have found me desirable and that was a load of cr*p. Maybe the problem is simply that we have different needs and levels of desire. There have been times that he hasnt desired me at all.. he's admitted to that in the past. And he's said that it had nothing to do with me really. Maybe that's the root of the problem here.. it has nothing to do with me. He told our Dr. that, and got an interesting reply awhile back. Basically if you're in a committed relationship, it has to be about the other person or being consistent will be hard. He said (and I'm just giving the gist because this is second hand from H) that if we can't reach out and give our S something they need just because they need it, we'll always be falling short. He asked H if he could stop living his life on whims. Basically, can he decide he's going to do something because it should be done.. needs to be done, not just because he feels like it and can see that there will be a payoff for doing it. He asked H how he thinks it would be to live with a W that only cooked or did his laundry when she felt like it or when she ran out of clothes and needed clean ones. He said, you'd be wondering if she cares about you because you're hungry and can't she see that? He asked H if he considers what I'm feeling and ever thinks I need something from him that only he can give me.
I agree with the Dr. wholeheartedly. And I think H does too, but he's, gosh I dont know how to explain it. He's missing the mark. I think he must have a very deep seeded problem that contributes to his dishonestly. And I think he'd like to change that, but hasnt been able to. In other areas, he's doing great. He doesnt shy away from me physically. He's been suzy homemaker around here. Every night he's had dinner finished or in the process of making it. He hasnt even balked when I've been late coming home a few nights, and that's unusual for him.. to give me space to do what I need to do. I asked him to stop calling me 50 times a day, and he has. He's cut back on pursuing me and trying to convince me that things will work out. He says it and I can tell he believes it still, but he isnt hammering me with it constantly. All of that and we still had an incident last night with him lying about writing my checks.
I've hidden them all over the place, but he's been persistent in finding them and writing them when he wants. Like I said, he has a bank card, so it's silly for him to do that. He says he hates to go to the ATM and take the money out - he'd rather it take a few days to get there. WTF? And I'm not sure what he's spending on.. probably nothing really, but it defies reason to me. I guess he wants me to always think there's more money in the bank than there is. I can't get past this one.
He said last night that things have been "so good" between us the last few days and we're going to work this out. Again WTF? My feelings havent changed, but it goes back to his assumption that things are getting better if I decide to do no harm and treat him with kindness and caring. If I'm not pushing him away in a way that's "real" to him, he thinks we're making progress towards staying together. Then if I tell him that's not true, I feel as if I've led him along in some way that I don't mean to. Any consideration I give to his needs or feelings he sees as me working on our R and a sign that what he's doing is working, and it's not! He can cook dinner, clean, put gas in my car, hug me, whatever for the rest of our lives, but as long as he's lying and hiding things from me, we won't be together. And he views that particular problem as just him not doing it anymore - after this time of course.
So there you have it. I'm getting independent and detached. My feelings for H are weird. I look at him and feel surprisingly unemotional about this. I feel a little fear of the future and dread the transition we'll have to make, but other than that, I don't feel despair at losing our R.. I think we've already lost the best parts of it. I also don't feel that feeling when you look to the future and thing it's going to be so much better without this person in my life. That's kinda a relief. I went through that when we D, and it wasn't SO much better. The emotional pain wasn't less (just different), and I didnt move on to do all those great things I couldnt do married to H either. So, at least this time I understand there's still a lot of pain to work through whether he's here or not. Life is going to get harder negotiating a split and I'll have even more responsibility on my shoulders and less time for myself. So what do I get for going through this? I guess just waking up and not worry about my S working against me and lying to me. The kids don't see H doing what he's doing and me supporting that. That's a biggie. How can I teach the kids to not do something that I accept from their father? Maybe the hope that there's someone out there for me in the future too. Don't know about that one. 38, 4 kids, lots of baggage, and much fear that I'll end up in a sitch like this again. Maybe all I'm aiming for is the satisfaction that I'm OK, don't deserved to be lied to, cheated on and used up. And, I'll be able to play my tunes at any time night or day without competing with a TV or someone complaining!
My friends and family that have been so supportive of me wanting to work this out with H have started sharing their feelings with me. Not saying "get rid of him", but more in line with how I feel I think. It's sad.. it's sort of just an acceptance that he can't/won't change. Matt told us last night over dinner that my SIL (H's B's W) wanted him to pass along a message. She said to tell me and H that they're here for us always no matter what and that they miss us since H has been distant with his parents. And she wanted Matt to tell me that she thinks "I'm a really neat person and she loves me to death." Neat? LOL She plays stump the chump with me all the time.. I'm the person she calls when she has a monumental child rearing problem. The last time we talked she said "If only you could get Joe raised..." She's right and it's time to give him his wings. I told my mother that the only option there is right now is to just let him go out into that big world and figure it out for himself. We take that approach with S19 and he's doing fine, so maybe it'll work with H too and at least the kids will end up with a Dad that's able to stand on his own two feet and live truthfully. If not, maybe they'll have a mother who's focusing on things she can actually impact and has more energy for them. I imagine the reduction in the stress level will make a major difference to everyone.
Gossip.. I'm making progress in noticing positive feedback from others for a change! Maybe that comes from loving myself more and my PMA is going up. That flirty friend at work is still doing that.. it's cute. Not tempting, but I'll admit he flirts with me. It's nice to be able to notice that and believe that I'm someone a man would want to flirt with. And another man at work - an older man who's retiring soon - a buddy that I've shared healthy recipes with for years, looked at me and said "Sheila, you're a good looking woman". Dang it was nice to hear that and not wonder what the other person wants or is up to. Just to accept it and say "thank you!" was such a gift. There's hope that this whole thing won't make me bitter and cynical after all. I kind of shut down my PMA and joy for life a year ago.. I think it's coming back and I see that in my interactions with others. Just small stuff. K said I was getting stuck up awhile back and I said "no, just withdrawing to protect myself I think". But I'm not doing that as much. One of the IT guys walked up behind me and pinched me on the waist to say hello and smiled as he continued past me. So I know whatever else Im doing, I'm relaxing that "leave me alone" vibe I've been carrying around awhile. There were even several hugs from co-workers as I left yesterday for T-day vacation and it was very very nice to be back among the living.
