Well crud! I posted a reply earlier and it got lost in cyberspace! I don't have time to repost right now, but I do appreciate your insights and comments!

We had the finance talk earlier and it went better than I expected. He had a few snotty comments about his half of the bills, but settled down after the initial shock of how much of his income it'll take to cover that. I didnt add in extras at all (dr. visits, clothing, kids activities) and think I'm being more than fair. He balked because I asked him to give me half of our health insurance and pay half of an allotment for some home renovations that comes out of my check. I thought about it and I only asked for that so he'd realize all the hidden costs we have that he ignores. I also didnt add in the cost of my car insurace, but we wont pay his out of the account either. He asked me how he's going to pay a couple of bills that are entirely his and I suggested that he ref, or do whatever it takes to earn that money and/or pay the bills off completely before he moves out. Then I told him that I'll spring for our christmas bills and let him claim daycare on his taxes. I want to encourage him to start taking responsibility for his finances, not have him start out in a hole. He was not a happy camper for a bit. Argued with me on math and re-added the whole deal. Whatever.. I folded some laundry and ignored that. After he settled down a little, I told him that I know he's going to have to watch his money closely and that we'll have to work together, but he's going to have to ask for help and advice if he needs it - not just mess up and expect me to fix it if he gets in a bind. I told him that I won't pay for any sitchs that he gets himself into after the fact (bad checks on his personal account- which is a payment I've been making to the court and I hope he learned his lesson!) I wont be paying for that kind of stuff in the future. Then I showed him some figuring that I did.. he's really coming out much better this way than if he's on his own. With child support, his car payment, ins, his bills, etc PLUS the cost of putting a roof over his head, he would not be able to afford to live on his own right now. He seemed to relax when I said that for some reason.. maybe deflate? Then he said, I guess I need to really try to find a job making more money - hopefully the one I interviewed for and I need to be reffing games when they call me to. I said yeah, if you stick that money back now, you'll have it for when you move out, and with a raise you'll be OK.

I felt like scrooge and it was hard. But, H has jumped from job to job for years without any thought about what that means financially, or if he's in a place to advance. And that's OK. I'm not making six figures, but I've always made it a top priority to be able to support myself no matter what. Maybe that comes from having Matt as a teenager and being determined that I'd always pay our way.. when I married H I felt like I was saddling him with responsibility he didnt sign up for - a ready made family.

Then strange turn of events after that tense discussion. I was getting into the shower and H pounced me. He wanted to ML. Matt had the kids out, and empty house.. so. Anyway, it took me by surprise and I said it's probably not a good idea. Too much for us to deal with right now, etc. Maybe he was just looking for reassurances because he said "I can tell you want me.. you can't deny that" A part of me wonders if it wasnt an attempt to pull me back into the cycle, manipulate me to get what he wants, use our physical R to change my mind. But then again, I could be wrong. It's not fair anyway! I'm frustrated enough without him dangling that carrot under my nose. I told him we could discuss it later if he wants, but I hadnt expected HIM to approach ME for sex like that and I need to think. While taking a shower I thought about it. I wonder why H ignores my needs, but when he needs/wants something, he gets working on it. I mean, he's made a big issue out of lacking desire lately, but he clearly wasnt at a loss for desire earlier. He seems to turn that off and on at will. If I want it, no luck, but if he does he assumes I'd never say no I guess. Maybe he enjoys the chase.. who knows, but he's been more and more in the mood since we've decided that we should go our separate ways for now.

Sheila