Hey Sheila! I'm going to drag some stuff from your old thread back over here...
Do you ever fear that you're going to re-create the same probs in a future R?
Only somewhat. Here are the keys that I think will make the difference for me:
not having to be right all the time
not searching for that something, whatever form it takes, to fill that emptiness we all feel from time to time
partner selection -- finding someone with whom we're good for each other (who pointed out the importance of that not too long ago? )
But you always gotta keep in mind with me that I come from a very broken relationship. So I see big changes that can be made and that seems to allow for a much better R. If I was in a sitch where I felt we were so close but just couldn't make it work, I might find it more difficult to imagine something different.
So my plan is to find a good partner and tell her the ways I'm prone to screwing up. I'll ask her to please let me know when she sees me going down those roads. Then I'll work hard to stop going down them, even if it doesn't quite seem reasonable or logical to me. That's a biggie right there; prioritizing the other person's feelings even if they don't make sense to me, even if I can see an argument against them. Sometimes you do what your partner wants just because they want it. It makes them feel special. The other edge of that sword is you can't just do whatever they want you to do; you can't be totally consumed by the R. But that hasn't been a problem for me so far!
That last part is kind of where H has a problem, isn't it? He hasn't quite fully committed to prioritizing your feelings even when he doesn't understand them. At least he understands enough to tell you he'll stop...but the follow thru is a little lacking. I can see how much that hurts you. It's hard being lied to and then blamed for the lie.
Like I said, the emotion that H understands in anger.. anything outside of that or too expressive makes him angry and uncomfortable. He doesn't have a good track record of dealing with sad, joyous, scared, frustrated.. etc.
You know, that reminds me a lot of myself. My upbringing was also very emotionally flat. W's anger was easy to understand but I just got defensive so it wasn't very useful to her. Other emotions always struck a nerve with me as being controlling. Like, "You say when I do this it makes you anxious...but I can tell you there's no reason for you to be anxious, so why don't you work on that? Why is your anxiety my problem?" But I'll never forget one of my books (and I remember which one, if you really want to know), at one point basically said, "If you expect your woman to handle all her emotions on her own, why does she need you?" This isn't talking about a woman who's a basket case and expecting her man to supply her happiness. It's just pointing out that if a man doesn't help work with his woman's emotions, he's not putting much into the R. And that was me. Now, we could debate where W has been on the "basket case" continuum, but the point stands.
...and you don't even get the benefit of my bubbly, witty personality...
I kinda think we do, actually. So thanks!
Invite me to your Aussie wedding will ya?!
That's a helluva good idea, even if I was marrying an American! And I gotta be honest here...I love our Aussie chyx to death, but I don't know if I'm enough man for them. They might break me in half!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
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