All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Henry Ellis
It's been quite a week here and I thought I'd just start another thread. Nothing groundshaking, but more peacemaking. I'm learning that I can be in this place and be content. That I can disagree with H without battling him or his right to live his life and make mistakes. I'm also learning to set boundaries and consequences.
The trip to my Mom's wasn't a great one. She was sick and I came home very worried about her health. I did give her some TLC and I feel good about that. I don't like living so far away from her and going home always centers me. It's like stepping back into myself when I'm with her. She also has a unique perspective of my H and I like to see him through her eyes. She reminds me that he's a good person, a good father and loves me.
She shared a story with me that I'd never heard or forgotten about how her first marriage ended. Her H was unfaithful to her and kept an apt and GF in another city on his truck route. When she found out, she got him a trucking job close to home and asked him to take it so he wouldnt be gone for weeks at a time. He refused. On his next trip out she got an apt, and moved out with two kids on her own. Major accomplishment for her.. she was well taken care of financially as a wife. When he returned to find them gone he asked her to come home. She refused. He parked his truck for two years and didnt work at all.. pursued her and begged her to give him another chance. Still, she couldnt do it. She said she was so angry and hurt and couldnt see herself with a man who said "I'm not giving up my truck for no d*mn woman" She said he could have promised anything, but not erased the fact that he had disrespected the mother of his children so much. Her finding him a job and asking him to stay was his chance and he missed it. She's never regretted that decision. I guess she told me this now because she understands that I might not be able to stay in this R no matter how much changes or how hard we try.
Anyway, I see so clearly when I'm at home and it gives me strength. It gave me the strength to come home and lay things out for H in a nice way. We had a long talk last night. We ML and are in a peaceful place together. I don't need to know what's going to happen in the future, but I do need to know that I'll continue being me through this. I've lost touch with that person over the last year or so and I'm slowly finding her again. I've forgiven myself for not being perfect and forgive H for that too. I'm also determines to not strive to be anyone other than who I am. It hasn't gotten me far.. trying to be perfect.. take care of everything.. fix just one more thing and then I'll be the person he can love in the right way. Doesnt work. He loves me like I am. His issues are his issues, not mine. And surprisingly, when I set aside my attachment to his problems, I get a good look at what I'm dealing with in my own heart and mind.
So here's where I am. There are goals that I've set aside for much too long. I'm still going to the gym regularly and getting better at yoga. I'm learning that I love taking care of my body.. yahoo! I have a goal to stop smoking two weeks from Monday and I intend to do that. I've checked into continuing my education. I'd decided not to do that because it would be a burden I don't need right now, but I think it's exactly what I need right now. I've never thought myself good enough, but I also havent done the things to grow a love for myself either. I've tried to get H to love me, but him loving me is an external thing. I'm just trying to be very kind and understanding with ME for a change and not question myself every time H does something that impacts my life. Those things are HIS responsibility to fix.. not mine.
He's coming around and starting forward again I think. I'm truly viewing him from the outside if that makes sense.. a detached view of him as he lives his life isnt bad. He's been frustrated with me I know, but it's interesting that when I say "this is not my problem" he seems to get it.
Well, H needs to go to bed, so Im gonna get off here.
