You take a lot more than I can. If I had a dog peeing all over the house, that critter would be gone or dead. Living around animal pee and feces is absolutely disgusting and something I cannot envision. I know you don’t like it either, but why do you put up with it?
I think you put yourself in a no-win situation. You don’t like BB’s actions. She could give a flip whether you like her actions or not. She will do as she pleases and she does just that. You try to change who you are to trigger a change in her, as everyone on this board advises, but nothing happens. Why?
I think most people can be changed by changes in their spouse. But I also believe there are those who will not change, unless they are forced to. I think BB may be one of those. There have been a few times when you mention a change in her behavior, that she checks in on you, is worried about your feelings, feels distanced and wants to get closer. Each time this happened, it is because you put your foot down and forced the outcome. If you don’t do this, then nothing changes.
I don’t mean to offend you, but I get the feeling BB is …well, a little lazy and very selfish. Maybe that’s because she was spoiled as a kid, whatever. The fact is that she seems to have little personal motivation, except for spending. Each time she showed concern for you was when she became concerned for herself…. What will SHE do with your business if you don’t come back from your trip, what will SHE do if the electricity goes out in a storm, what will SHE do if you move out of the house. My point is that some people will not do ANYTHING until they HAVE to, even if they knew in their heart that a certain action is for their own good. If things are too comfortable, they will just not do anything.
I refer to people like this as having the “welfare” mentality. They can work, are physically able to do so, but for the difference in extra income they could gain by working 40 hours a week, it just isn’t worth it. They would rather sit around and wait for their welfare check. When state governments started cutting back on welfare payments, all of a sudden these “disabled” people were getting jobs. Not because they wanted to but because they had to. I see BB as having this same mentality. You keep making things too easy for her. Again, I don’t mean to insult BB in any way, but I see this similarity.
Is see the DB techniques only working on people who have some motivation for improvement with themselves and their lives. They are still engaged and are trying to work things out in their own way. So a change in one partner causes changes in another. But if one person is happy with the way things are, I think the other can make all the changes in the world and the person will just sit in their chair and keep doing what they want until they can’t do it anymore. And if they are forced into action, they will take the easiest action possible to settle things down enough to get back in their chair. Giving these people positive choices does not work. Sometimes negative incentive is all they understand.
Why don’t you just tell her she IS going to a counselor, and to one of YOUR choosing. That she IS going to keep attending sessions and listening to what the counselor says. If she says no, then tell her adios. By all indications, she will panic. And so what if she does? Have you ever laid down the law with her?
I think you are afraid of doing so because you are afraid she will be mad at you. Let her be mad, but also know you are mad at her and you have your limits. Maybe this isn’t the “right thing” to do, but I wonder if maybe your insistence on doing the “right thing” is insulting to BB, since she obviously knows that you think she is not doing the “right thing” and she passive-aggressively rebels against you. This is juvenile behavior. How would you handle a child acting like this?
