Thanks Cally. When I have time, I will reply to your post.
The C session was supposed to be 10 minuets of "here is my problem, here are examples, and 40 minuets of what do think are alternatives that will result in changes. The time balance was the reverse.
The C asked me to look ahead 50 years to my grave stone and asked if I wanted BB name next to mine. I said No, not really. Then he asked what keeps you together. I said past plans of how things I imagined life with BB would be, all of the work I put in the R, the house, and the retirement fund. Getting the kids through college, and all of the other things we had to do as we progress through time.
He asked why I continue to work on the R. I said if what I am doing works the goal will be reached. I also said I had some problems being a good partner and wanted to fix as much as possible before moving to the next step. I said repairing as much as I can will make it better for both of us no matter what happens. I am also thinking time limit but don't know when the end is the end, or the end for a couple of days.
The C asked what changed? I said BB is doing her thing, has been for many years, has a different take on what she wants in life than me, seems to think throwing money at what she see as problems or things she wants that she thinks will make her happy, she does not seem to like much, we as a couple, bought for the house even though we spent several days working out our differences. Now it is what she wants but she does give me a say if I really dislike something.
The C talked about giving or doing things with unconditional love for the other person and not expecting something to be returned. Do it because you want them to be happy. I gave a couple of examples of doing things without expecting something in return but I don't think the C saw past my question earlier that I feel like the giving is mostly one direction.
The C said lots of people divorce over lesser issues and was puzzled about why we stay together. He said behind all of the dissatisfaction is something strong that keeps you two together. I said the M was really good at one time and BB has moments when I feel like we are a couple but out comes this person that is always wanting more, won't eat something because it has the wrong cheese on it, I used the wrong pepper, or someone said something she did not agree with and then makes an issue of it.
If I order a burger w/o mayo and get one with mayo, I eat it. If that happens to BB sometimes she eats it, sends it back, and sometimes tells me the cook should be fired.
The C asked how my book readings were helping the situation (leading question from the C) and if anything in the R was changing. I said things were changing, I sort of fix one problem and another old thing that was in the background gets worse.
The C said books are not going to help much and the Internet forum is a bad idea. He was of the opinion that most of the posters made little progress and the forum was a place to swap stories how bad out spouse was.
I suspected he thought some people on the forum used it as a dating site. I tried to assure him that did not generally happen.
He said any time spent reading books and posting to people was taking time away from the R and thought some of BB's problems with shopping were to fill a void with her feelings that I somehow don't fill.
After a while of the C talking about doing things for someone you love and doing them because you love them, not to get something IE no strings attached, I ask so, what am I supposed to get from the R, what if I need something.
I brought up BB's not wanting me to fly to see my sisters because there was a TV news article about how much air cargo is not inspected for explosives. I said BB also keeps bring up, If I was blown up in an air plane what would she do with my business inventory. BB wants some of that gone before I go on vacation.
The C thought BB's resistance to my solo vacation was she is concerned for my welfare, she really will miss me, does not want any thing to happen to me, and is concerned that once on vacation I might not come back. He said I should ask BB these questions when I went home. After the initial hostilities noted below, I asked the questions and the C was right.
The C thinks BB sometimes has a version of a "F you" attitude towards me and asked how I react and feel about it. He asked what I do about BB's F you attitude.
I have been using some of HairDog's tools mildly for some time but need to up the energy. The tools are: 1. "Don’t treat me with disrespect." 2. Stay out of HER sh!t. 3. Allowing her bad behavior gives her a reason not to respect me, so don't allow it. 4. If I give her information, and she reacts badly to it, that's HER deal, not mine. I am not responsible for how she reacts to what I say. She is. (This assumes that I don't tell her things with bad intent).
BB did not know I went to C and when I got home casually asked how my day was going. I said I went to see C, she asked why? I said I am having trouble adjusting to her numerous reasons for wanting to look at things and saying she is "just looking" but buy instead.
BB was upset I saw the C and said "so I supposed you bitched me out to C and make me look bad," then she got angry. I said If I want to see C, that is my option. I went to work and closed the door to my shop.
The afternoon interactions were cool so I asked BB to go to a fast food place to eat. Her attitude changed to being more appreciative.
We ate and BB was pleasant, almost a turn around from the AM.
I worked on the bedroom flooring and finished it up. BB checked on me several times and showed some concern about me, not only asking when I would be finished.
Back to something the C asked me. Why does BB stay with you? How does she see you? Why does she love you? What are her reasons for being up set with you, so I asked.
BB said I was too tight with money. I should be mort like relative age 75 with 20 years to pay on a 30 yr home loan, who also bought a video camera from a guy flagging people down on the expressway. There was a brick in the box.
BB said I do all sorts of things for her but take too long. BB said she likes how I rub her back and feet but that it leads to sex too often. BB said in general I am a good/wonderful person but she can't get past the things I have around the house for my business.
I gave my guestimate of the above to the C in the AM when I was at his office and said sometimes I feel appreciated by BB but have often felt like BB's employee. The male figure in her storybook version of what a woman wants or should have from life. (That is just a feeling I have sometimes)
Today it's back to BB being worried about her new furniture and will I have the trim painted by tonight and do the final cleaning of the floor before the new things arrive.
C's advice: Drop the Internet. Quit reading books. Don't take crap. Do things for BB without expecting anything in return. Stay out of her money issues. If you need to, move on.
Note to all. All of this has been run through Lou's filter without the intention of bias, but you know that is not 100% possible. some it is venting. Any opinions welcome. Sorry if this post is along the lines of "same stuff, different day.
