Quote: I'm curious as to why you go shopping with BB.
I did not originally go shopping with BB.
She went shopping, came home and asked if I wanted to have a say about something she was going to buy, Kind of a like it or hate it-in which case she would not buy it, right or wrong fabric type thing. She wanted my vote if I hated it she would keep looking.
Quote: About BB's credit card bill. Didn't you say that she has some money of her own?
I don't pay her bills. She spends more than her retirement income and dips into money her mother left her. Which I see as generally wasting resources. Little value gained for the amount of money spent.
Quote: What keeps you with her when you are obviously so miserable.
The way things are now are not part of the plans I made a long time ago. What we had, where we were going, common interests, and vacations we were thinking about together has changed. Most of the old ideas have changed.
BB wants to replace most things we bought that are still good with her version of things without compromises that I thought were common in R. The vacations are out because of potential bed bugs at motels. BB worries about kenneling the dogs but wont find anyone to look after them. Common interests are few these days.
Quote: Do you love her?
Not much anymore. More like commitment that has to be carried out. Try what you can or you don't get a gold star on your final day of work.
Quote: Are you afraid to be alone?
NO. But I do like to be with a woman and know finding someone that thinks and acts like me (compatibility match) would be a challenge. I don't want to be with anyone that I felt I was making her conform to conform my standards and that was making them unhappy or visa versa. I would do some serious counseling if I met a partner that said "Lou everything is fine, but can we work ABC out before in C before the R progresses"
Counseling: (fits some other place in the post but don’t have time to match it right now) I tried some of that with BB but nothing changed on her end and she did not see the point of C so we did not go back. The C, a woman's issues advocate, said to let BB spend her money (pre mother's death) and do my thing, like provide the things a H provides for the family (man does responsibilities, woman is allowed the frills)
Quote: Do you like feeling needed?
Yes but not played for a sucker. Doesn't everyone want to feel they add to the R? I can’t imagine being a leach or a relationship freeloader. I want to bring things to the M on a personal level. I expect a W to do the same thing. The roommate thing (H does his thing-W does her thing and are very independent) is not for me.
Quote: What keeps you with her when you are obviously so miserable.
Mostly doing what I can to try to get things to the point of reasonable happiness. Like Lil, setting a goal and staying with the process until I know I really tried many things.
Also knowing I have faults that impact BB negatively. We had many good years and I feel I owe the R (not her or me) some more time.
I realize we are two different people with different needs and wants. Right now BB has been retired for a year and a half with lots of ideas in her mind. She has all day to think about what she wants but little methods of carrying out her ideas except with shopping. OTH, I am working (less every week) and have too little time for some of BB money pits. I have a house that I have not kept in top shape and want to do the basics that takes time BB has no idea what is involved. Like I said earlier, she has trouble re-winding some videotapes.
I also realize some R just go different directions and staying together is the wrong thing to do. That is why I read this forum and ask some questions that would be considered cheating if I asked them on a dating site [even if] I were just looking for opinions or asking how people delt with problems. Sometimes when I make a joke about meeting you in Key West, I am concerned someone (not current posters) might try to read something into the wise crack. I like to have some fun but an not a player.
It's kind of like BB was 80% happy with the things we agreed on but now she wants 95% of things her way. The bedroom furniture is some of the last things we bought together (BB was a SAHM at the time so I paid for it. We spent several days liikong and she liked it then. No problem with what happened at the time but BB now tells me she never liked it. I think it is called rewriting history. That is onr thing that buggs me now, the rewrite. )
Case in point. Twenty years ago I bought a new fiberglass hot tub that was 6'8" square, with a lounge and seating for 5 people. When I bought it, BB was happy with it. When BB got a hold of her mother’s money, all of a sudden she says she never liked the old hot tub and hates the smooth fiberglass surface.
She bought another hot tub exactly the same style and seating arrangements but the new $4,000 tub has a textured finish and more jets. It took me over a week to make the switch.
The old tub had a gas heater and cost $5 a month to heat. The new tub has an electric heater and costs $25 a month to heat. We used the old tub 2X a month and the new one 1X a month.
Quote: Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't think you're listening!!!!
Be blunt Jill. I need it but don't know how to carry some of the things out sometimes. Some suggestions work and I am thankful for those suggestions. Other suggestions seem to make BB even more determined to do things her way and prove to her men are pigs or just want to control women. Some things BB does, that I stay out of, just put another nail in the separation sign that is being built.
Yes, I have a problem with excessive spending and some spending in general. BB's act like you are rich moves every 8 years, constantly looking at million plus dollar homes. He invited us out for a ride one Sunday afternoon, to guess what, his million dollar home tour. The guy is 75 and still has a 20-year to pay on his home loan. He is the one that bought the Lincoln a couple of weeks ago.
Look at these web sites to see where I am coming from: [url=http://www.affluenza.com/]The Affluenza Project[/url] [url=http://www.pbs.org/kcts/affluenza/]PBS Program on the Epidemics of Over Consumption.[/url] [url=http://www.affluenza.org/]Keeping up with the Jones[/url] [url= http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1576751996?v=glance]Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic (Paperback)[/url]
I don't expect to change anyone’s stripes. I am just opposed to buying for style or when a trend changes. BB is a trend style person.
About the $1,000 worth of things BB was going to look at and buy, well it turned out to be $2,000. Ad that to the $2,600 she spent on her bed (we already had 5 before the last one). I don't see the reason to change, there are no improvements is sleep or the functions of storage. It is only a looks change.
My work on the walls and flooring are improvements because of wear and tear and the pet damage so I don't have any problem with the bedroom overhaul. Hiring someone to do my work? That seems so foreign to how I feel what things a man/husband should do for the family.
Thanks for reading and the advice. Right now I have to finish the bedroom remodel and just let BB buy what she is going to buy. It is hard on me both ways, letting go or doing things in a compromising fashion.
