Ditto, Lou. We love to hear what's going on with you. If you don't feel like talking about the R, then tell us what else you're up to. Glad you found a C. It helps to have someone IRL to talk to and who supports you.
Whatever you want from us at this time, you've got it: feedback, just listening, repository for jokes and science stories, random rants and vents-- you name it. We love you.
And besides, when you're gone, I'm the oldest one here! Yikes!
My car is in the shop getting the window replaced so I'm at BF's house without a car. But there's a COMP USA within walking distance, so maybe I'll wander over and look at printer cartridges and think of you.
Lou..I was thinking is money and her spending are issues with your marriage........why not seperate your finances totally. Whats yours is yours and hers is hers. If she spends all hers then she will have nothing. But let her know that you will not contribute any money to her if her money is gone.
I know if I worked hard all my life and had money coming in I would be resentful if someone tried to tell me what I could and couldn't buy. But then again it sounds like she is way out of control.
Have you always catered to her? I mean if she doesn't like your way of vactioning why not just have gone all these years and did what you wanted to do. You are married yes but not enititled to have to live a life like hers.
Re: Blackfoot=OG sounds like you are having a bad night. need to chat? ------------- Problem I am having is being considerate of BB wants and desires VS my wants and desires. Being a leader VS not over controlling. Me emitting masculinity without me feeling like a player VS BB’s anti-male POV effecting my attitude. (What is masculine to one woman is controlling to another. What is understanding and empathy to one woman is being a wimp to another woman, let alone what these masculine traits mean to me or what I see or feel are feminine traits about BB.
Re: Mrs. NOP=If you're up to talking about it, did something specific happen…. or did the chronic aspect just get overwhelming? ------------------- No one on the board said or did anything that offended me. You guys and gals have been more understanding than 90% of the people I have known. Perhaps because we all want something similar and there is no baggage to deal with. ---------------- or did the chronic aspect just get overwhelming? --------------- Bingo. It is her credit card. Her bill.
The way I see things=I see leaving behind good furniture I bought 20 years ago ( but 5 beds) to have something of a different style, but no function improvements. I see BB wanting to keep up with her friends that get tired of things just because there is something with a different, trendy style.
BB’s POV Acting rich is fun. She gets tired of the old. Function is second to fulfilling a wish.
Cally and others that said separate the $$$$. Part of what I told BB about separating finances kicked in. I have not started the separate ledgers but will.
To hold to what I said I quit objecting to BB’s frequent forays into stores. She found an area rug she wanted. She wanted me to look at it, so I did. Her asking was kind of a “if you hate it I won’t buy it” approval thing. (rug A is home now and BB is out "looking at" rug B as I type. She said she is not going to buy it. I just got off the phone that to me started out as "I found a rug I like" and endeded up "I just wanted to tell you Costco has area rugs again. It was one of those "stubbed my toe again" feeling for me at first but BB wound up going from excited to this is just information. How do we get so far apart?)
Re : Lil= We love to hear what's going on with you. ----------------- While at the store, the female clerk and BB were talking about fulfilling dreams and BB said I (Lou) was a wet blanket. I said I don’t buy the first thing I like, I comparison shop to see if there is something I like that is a better deal. The clerk and BB said something about once you see something you like you should buy it because anything else will never satisfy you. I countered that even if I found something that was equally good/attractive/valuable, what I thought was more appropriate for the house, dogs, size of room, durability, price, etc, but was not what BB wanted and was BB’s idea in the first place, BB would not ever want it or be happy with it.
I said to BB once your mind is made up, you don’t consider any other information so why should I continue to help BB on these shopping trips. I said I could find the same thing on eBay but you/BB would not like it and say something was wrong with the item because the price was lower, or it took too long to ship or the colors were different and so on.
We went home but I was just tired of the cold shoulder treatment so said something. BB said I was like clockwatchers H, grumpy and angry looking. I said I was tired of being grumpy and suppressing my frustrations went back to the store and bought the area rug.
The pattern is OK with me, the pile is too deep for a dining room (would like it in the bedroom but it’s the wrong size for the bedroom), the size is about 4 inches too long in one direction (my mistake) and there is too much “muddy dog foot traffic” by the back door for a rug like that.
I continued with painting the master bedroom a light lilac (I wanted it lighter) and painted the window frames white. The window frames were natural color and had some water stains on the wood because a bed BB wanted, the headboard was so high we could not get to the window for 7 years. BB thought the window should be replaced but I sanded and painted it. ( just more of her theory if it looks tack, junk it, don’t bother with sanding the stain to see if the wood is good, just more of what I referred to as using the “Easy Button,” one of my earlier thread titles.)
The master bedroom is a major re-do process and part of the replace everything that was damaged by BB’s cats. I have removed the baseboard trim, carpet, inspecting the sub floor, eliminating floor squeaks, painting the walls (progressed to this point) new laminate flooring imitation oak, accent rugs, new furniture and accessories.
Why? Because people have dreams. If this is what it takes to repair the R and I sell most of my business inventory ( I have too much) and BB changes into a contented person, the process might result with a favorable outcome.
If not, I don’t have to be concerned I did not try, or have any doubts that I left her with a bunch of unwanted baggage/problems of ours for her to sort through and fix. I got the “what if you died and let me with this house” too many times. BB has too many mental handicaps to cope with some problems. Rewinding a video tape causes her problems.
Re: Lil= Glad you found a C. Lil, the C (I will call “J” a 45 yr old male) I have seen 2 times before. He works next to/with the C-(FM about 45 who I will call “S”) BB and I saw, that asked why were still together (kind of like- if you don’t get along make a list of good things too, not just c). I don’t exactly know how to find a C like your bf is seeing.
J is more of a mentor-here is the way things go-life is what comes your way or how you make it-some people are not your type/how do you make the best of it/when do you put a stop to garbage/do you want to be there? He is mostly neutral in his leanings, more that sounds good/like a problem for you. He knows about DB and MW Davis. J thinks that if for couples that are better matched at wanting to make a R work but most people with differences and different motivations should read things like “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman.
J said, “ So you got through college by working hard, with books and a little help you taught yourself and became a good auto-mechanic, taught your self to repair printers, and now you are reading books to fix your M. It might work but it might be too big a job too. He was saying it in a tone like “books are good for some things but not for everything and the way I was going about it was the long, difficult way.
Re: Cally= I know if I worked hard all my life and had money coming in I would be resentful if someone tried to tell me what I could and couldn't buy.
BB never liked working very much and used many things to just hang out at home and with her pets. When she worked at the hospital (kids left home) she worked ½ time. Sometime she was called two hours before her shift started and was told the patient load was light and her part of the shift was cancelled. Fifteen minuets later, the hospital called and said they had a lot of admittances and she was to come to work. BB would say they just called her to say she was not to come to work so she made an appointment for a perm/hair style, with a friend for lunch, etc and could not come to work. She would not go to work if asked to when a lot of people were sick with the flu on days she was not on the official work schedule.
About (I know if I worked hard all my life and had money) precisely “her money.” I always paid for 90% of what I consider reasonable needs. When BB was working, any money that went for insurance or flex spending health care account was not taxed so BB paid $1,800 a year for my health insurance, which lowered her taxes. BB did not have enough taxes taken out of her paycheck to cover her state and federal taxes because we had other joint income, so I made that up in my state and federal quarterly’s. She never paid any of the taxes on income from our savings or investments, local taxes, or car/house insurances. I figured the $1,800 she paid for my health insurance was more than off set by the $5,000 to $8,000 I paid for to the state, IRS, local taxes, and insurances. Why, you say? To keep peace.
BB’s opinion was she only worked part time and should not have to pay taxes, it was my position to support the family and some of those other things that were the norm during the 50’s where the wife stayed home, and the husband worked for a company that paid a good salary that supported a family comfortably. BB was a kid then and so was I. Now if the W does not work, that is the odd thing. Workingwomen changed the social customs in a way that required me to make some adjustments. I don’t know if I have then all right yet.
Just some of the reasons for the problems. I hope this helps me understand me and I hope it explains things to my cyber friends. Comments and 2X4’s welcome. Even pack rat comments.
Dear Mr Pack Rat, I'm curious as to why you go shopping with BB. It seems that your opinions are not taken into account, therefore, this is just another frustration to you.
Also, you've been told by various people "numerous" times to hire some of this work done rather than doing it yourself. Why don't you do it?
I see two huge problems here. Two by four coming......BB spends too much money and you are way too cheap. There has to be a compromise here somewhere. BB may be going overboard because you've been tight with money for so long. Lighten up. You can't take it with you. Have some fun. Take a spectacular vacation. The one you've only ever dared dream of........alone!!!! I don't intend to leave a dime for my kid. She can work as hard as I have and earn her own money. That does not mean that I spend with wild abandon, but I will not deny myself some things after working all of these years.
About BB's credit card bill. Didn't you say that she has some money of her own? If so, why do you care what she puts on it? Make her pay the damned bill out of "her" money. If she doesn't have her own money, divorce her, get all credit cards divided up so that if she doesn't pay hers, it doesn't affect "your" credit and find someone that likes sex.
Just out of curiosity and don't want anyone to think that I'm in favor of divorces, because I'm definitely not, but....why do you stay with BB? Do you love her? Are you afraid to be alone? Do you like feeling needed? What keeps you with her when you are obviously so miserable.
These are all questions I had to ask myself when I finally decided to D my XH.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't think you're listening!!!!
My answer to myself was "I was afraid of dying alone". Finally, I decided that I would take my chances of dying alone rather than spending the rest of my time alive being miserable with someone who did not want to work on our R.
Quote: I'm curious as to why you go shopping with BB.
I did not originally go shopping with BB.
She went shopping, came home and asked if I wanted to have a say about something she was going to buy, Kind of a like it or hate it-in which case she would not buy it, right or wrong fabric type thing. She wanted my vote if I hated it she would keep looking.
Quote: About BB's credit card bill. Didn't you say that she has some money of her own?
I don't pay her bills. She spends more than her retirement income and dips into money her mother left her. Which I see as generally wasting resources. Little value gained for the amount of money spent.
Quote: What keeps you with her when you are obviously so miserable.
The way things are now are not part of the plans I made a long time ago. What we had, where we were going, common interests, and vacations we were thinking about together has changed. Most of the old ideas have changed.
BB wants to replace most things we bought that are still good with her version of things without compromises that I thought were common in R. The vacations are out because of potential bed bugs at motels. BB worries about kenneling the dogs but wont find anyone to look after them. Common interests are few these days.
Quote: Do you love her?
Not much anymore. More like commitment that has to be carried out. Try what you can or you don't get a gold star on your final day of work.
Quote: Are you afraid to be alone?
NO. But I do like to be with a woman and know finding someone that thinks and acts like me (compatibility match) would be a challenge. I don't want to be with anyone that I felt I was making her conform to conform my standards and that was making them unhappy or visa versa. I would do some serious counseling if I met a partner that said "Lou everything is fine, but can we work ABC out before in C before the R progresses"
Counseling: (fits some other place in the post but don’t have time to match it right now) I tried some of that with BB but nothing changed on her end and she did not see the point of C so we did not go back. The C, a woman's issues advocate, said to let BB spend her money (pre mother's death) and do my thing, like provide the things a H provides for the family (man does responsibilities, woman is allowed the frills)
Quote: Do you like feeling needed?
Yes but not played for a sucker. Doesn't everyone want to feel they add to the R? I can’t imagine being a leach or a relationship freeloader. I want to bring things to the M on a personal level. I expect a W to do the same thing. The roommate thing (H does his thing-W does her thing and are very independent) is not for me.
Quote: What keeps you with her when you are obviously so miserable.
Mostly doing what I can to try to get things to the point of reasonable happiness. Like Lil, setting a goal and staying with the process until I know I really tried many things.
Also knowing I have faults that impact BB negatively. We had many good years and I feel I owe the R (not her or me) some more time.
I realize we are two different people with different needs and wants. Right now BB has been retired for a year and a half with lots of ideas in her mind. She has all day to think about what she wants but little methods of carrying out her ideas except with shopping. OTH, I am working (less every week) and have too little time for some of BB money pits. I have a house that I have not kept in top shape and want to do the basics that takes time BB has no idea what is involved. Like I said earlier, she has trouble re-winding some videotapes.
I also realize some R just go different directions and staying together is the wrong thing to do. That is why I read this forum and ask some questions that would be considered cheating if I asked them on a dating site [even if] I were just looking for opinions or asking how people delt with problems. Sometimes when I make a joke about meeting you in Key West, I am concerned someone (not current posters) might try to read something into the wise crack. I like to have some fun but an not a player.
It's kind of like BB was 80% happy with the things we agreed on but now she wants 95% of things her way. The bedroom furniture is some of the last things we bought together (BB was a SAHM at the time so I paid for it. We spent several days liikong and she liked it then. No problem with what happened at the time but BB now tells me she never liked it. I think it is called rewriting history. That is onr thing that buggs me now, the rewrite. )
Case in point. Twenty years ago I bought a new fiberglass hot tub that was 6'8" square, with a lounge and seating for 5 people. When I bought it, BB was happy with it. When BB got a hold of her mother’s money, all of a sudden she says she never liked the old hot tub and hates the smooth fiberglass surface.
She bought another hot tub exactly the same style and seating arrangements but the new $4,000 tub has a textured finish and more jets. It took me over a week to make the switch.
The old tub had a gas heater and cost $5 a month to heat. The new tub has an electric heater and costs $25 a month to heat. We used the old tub 2X a month and the new one 1X a month.
Quote: Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't think you're listening!!!!
Be blunt Jill. I need it but don't know how to carry some of the things out sometimes. Some suggestions work and I am thankful for those suggestions. Other suggestions seem to make BB even more determined to do things her way and prove to her men are pigs or just want to control women. Some things BB does, that I stay out of, just put another nail in the separation sign that is being built.
Yes, I have a problem with excessive spending and some spending in general. BB's act like you are rich moves every 8 years, constantly looking at million plus dollar homes. He invited us out for a ride one Sunday afternoon, to guess what, his million dollar home tour. The guy is 75 and still has a 20-year to pay on his home loan. He is the one that bought the Lincoln a couple of weeks ago.
Look at these web sites to see where I am coming from: [url=http://www.affluenza.com/]The Affluenza Project[/url] [url=http://www.pbs.org/kcts/affluenza/]PBS Program on the Epidemics of Over Consumption.[/url] [url=http://www.affluenza.org/]Keeping up with the Jones[/url] [url= http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1576751996?v=glance]Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic (Paperback)[/url]
I don't expect to change anyone’s stripes. I am just opposed to buying for style or when a trend changes. BB is a trend style person.
About the $1,000 worth of things BB was going to look at and buy, well it turned out to be $2,000. Ad that to the $2,600 she spent on her bed (we already had 5 before the last one). I don't see the reason to change, there are no improvements is sleep or the functions of storage. It is only a looks change.
My work on the walls and flooring are improvements because of wear and tear and the pet damage so I don't have any problem with the bedroom overhaul. Hiring someone to do my work? That seems so foreign to how I feel what things a man/husband should do for the family.
Thanks for reading and the advice. Right now I have to finish the bedroom remodel and just let BB buy what she is going to buy. It is hard on me both ways, letting go or doing things in a compromising fashion.
I'm gonna defend BB for a moment here....on the furniture buying. I actually do understand the replacing the perfectly good 20 year old furniture. For some of us (men AND women) there is a satisfaction in seeing this wonderful room that we decorated and created. Sometimes it is nice for a change. 20 years is a long time to have furniture and I'd say it is time for a change! I feel my most content when my furniture is nice and clean, looks nice in my home, home is clean and fresh smelling, etc. I was a lot LESS happy to come home to a living room with the stained up ugly hand me down couch that i hated. Now that I have a nice set, I feel good coming into my living room and no qualms about inviting someone over to sit on them!
Does she go overboard? Quite possibly. It is easy to go overboard when the money is available. I probably would too.
Have you tried sitting down wtih a financial advisor and showing her that if she keeps spending at this rate, she will be out of money by age XX?
I think you really do love BB. I think you have fallen into the same rut as the rest of us and our WAS's. You don't always feel it when things aren't going right...but I'm willing to bet that if things were going ok for you, you would feel that love again in a heartbeat (no pun intended).
I do understand what you are saying....if you read my post over in "piecing" you will see that my H wants to buy a $700 shotgun......that he absolutely does not need, when he can't pay his bills or give me any child support money. I'm 100% for seeing our dreams come true, but something like this needs to wait until we are more financially secure!
Anyway, i'll climb down off my soapbox too...
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Quote: BB's act like you are rich moves every 8 years
Should read BB's "act like you are rich" relative moves every 8 years
Re: Becca1975
Quote: H wants to buy a $700 shotgun......that he absolutely does not need, when he can't pay his bills or give me any child support money
That gets me riled up Becca.
Kids come first. I would use a sling shot before I would buy a $700 gun to hunt for food? No it's (hunting) a hobby, an ego boosting thing for some people. Don't buy the food line. You are right. Your H's priorities are wrong. Kids, wife, bills come first.
While I was going to college and living on an insurance disability income, I gave some money ($20?) to a couple of female students that had kids. The gal in a class I had, said she drank coffee most of the day because she had little money for food. She said she had to get through the credit hours required in a limited time frame. She was taking 22 to 24 credits per quarter while most students had 16 credit hours to deal with.
Quote: I was a lot LESS happy to come home to a living room with the stained up ugly hand me down couch
I agree with you.
My situation 3 cook stoves, 4 or 5 refrigerators, 3 dish washers, 3 freezers, 4 or 5 washing machines, 3 dryers, 5 or 6 beds, 3 living room sets, several stereo sets, 4 kitchen-aid type mixers, and many, many pot and pan sets-depending on what is trendy. Right now we have 5 color TV's and 2 portable B&W. I am not bragging, just enumerating on how out of control the buying has been.
Earlier I said "nothing we bought" prior to BB's working and inheritance, is left. Correction, the dining room set and 2 end tables are here.
Quote: It is easy to go overboard when the money is available.
Availability, That is the problem now.
Quote: I probably would too.
For a while you would. I think it is somewhat normal. Wouldn't you say enough is enough some day?
To all. I post alot about money because it is a measurable thing. I had a job where there was no place for writing about any feelings. Everything had to be measurable. Put one feeling or say something like a kid was depressed (medical term were verboden unless you were a DR). Money is measurable. How many times something happened is measurable. That is many of my post contain quanity referances.
Quote: there's a COMP USA within walking distance, so maybe I'll wander over and look at printer cartridges and think of you
Sorry I have not replied to some of your printer model questions.
I have not gone to that part of town to see what the office supply stores have. WalMart just has the cheapies with the little ink cartridges.
If you have something that interests you, post a model number and I will look it up on the internet for the specifications, then maybe go look at it. I know this is the slow way and some people need faster answers.
Re bf's viagra I keep thinking of that and reverse the gender. If BB had some Viagra for women but refused to take it, you can bet some would be in her next moca coffee. No that is not the right thing to do.
It just amazes me how some people won't try what seems to work for most people. You said bf gets sort of an erection so something in the hardware dept kind of works. Maybe he needs more RAM or a newer CPU, or maybe his windows operating system needs to be changed. Hopefully his current C can help him figure out the operating system if that is the problem, which it seems to be.
You are sharp enough to know what I am referring to using the computer analogy. I could not say it this way to BB. She would say what window?
For a while you would. I think it is somewhat normal. Wouldn't you say enough is enough some day?
Lou,
You would think so but I think this is a guilty pleasure alot of us indulge in,
D19 recently came back home to stay for a few months. Seems she developed a love of coffee. Everyday she gets the coffee pot out everyday I put it back in the cupboard. Today I decided to rearrange the kitchen counters so I could find a place that I could put the coffee pot without it looking out of place. Well I did not like it so I went upstairs and got a new coffee pot I had stashed and put the older one in the goodwill bag. Okay why I who has no one in there house who drinks coffee had two coffee pots? Oh thats right it was on sale and was nicer then the one I had. Well to put the coffee pot out I had to move the ice tea maker and put it in the cupboard which turned into almost a four hour event. I had to move the iceee machine the george forman grill(not used in two years at least) the dehydrator( used about twice in its life time) the lemonade maker( big waste of money used once) the chicken rotesiory maching(another waste of money to messy). And the deep fryer and all its lovely parts. Waffle maker and blah blah I decided the only other pretty useless item I could buy for my kitchen would be a ice cream maker. Now mind you all of this is in my cupboards. along with slicers dicers and tupperware that just about walks and talks. I have two of the pantry cupboards and over 22 cabnets in my kitchen and not enough space to put a dam tea maker without a major overhaul. Okay so it may not be 5 beds( I have 5 but also have six people that live here) But it is a indulgence of things that look neat but really are a waste.
note to all who are thinking she has all this in her kitchen and hauled her H stuff from a building to the curve. I am not the owner/buyer of many of these things. Just the space finder and they are all in working order lol.
But then again it sounds like she is way out of control.
