Re: Blackfoot=OG sounds like you are having a bad night. need to chat? ------------- Problem I am having is being considerate of BB wants and desires VS my wants and desires. Being a leader VS not over controlling. Me emitting masculinity without me feeling like a player VS BB’s anti-male POV effecting my attitude. (What is masculine to one woman is controlling to another. What is understanding and empathy to one woman is being a wimp to another woman, let alone what these masculine traits mean to me or what I see or feel are feminine traits about BB.
Re: Mrs. NOP=If you're up to talking about it, did something specific happen…. or did the chronic aspect just get overwhelming? ------------------- No one on the board said or did anything that offended me. You guys and gals have been more understanding than 90% of the people I have known. Perhaps because we all want something similar and there is no baggage to deal with. ---------------- or did the chronic aspect just get overwhelming? --------------- Bingo. It is her credit card. Her bill.
The way I see things=I see leaving behind good furniture I bought 20 years ago ( but 5 beds) to have something of a different style, but no function improvements. I see BB wanting to keep up with her friends that get tired of things just because there is something with a different, trendy style.
BB’s POV Acting rich is fun. She gets tired of the old. Function is second to fulfilling a wish.
Cally and others that said separate the $$$$. Part of what I told BB about separating finances kicked in. I have not started the separate ledgers but will.
To hold to what I said I quit objecting to BB’s frequent forays into stores. She found an area rug she wanted. She wanted me to look at it, so I did. Her asking was kind of a “if you hate it I won’t buy it” approval thing. (rug A is home now and BB is out "looking at" rug B as I type. She said she is not going to buy it. I just got off the phone that to me started out as "I found a rug I like" and endeded up "I just wanted to tell you Costco has area rugs again. It was one of those "stubbed my toe again" feeling for me at first but BB wound up going from excited to this is just information. How do we get so far apart?)
Re : Lil= We love to hear what's going on with you. ----------------- While at the store, the female clerk and BB were talking about fulfilling dreams and BB said I (Lou) was a wet blanket. I said I don’t buy the first thing I like, I comparison shop to see if there is something I like that is a better deal. The clerk and BB said something about once you see something you like you should buy it because anything else will never satisfy you. I countered that even if I found something that was equally good/attractive/valuable, what I thought was more appropriate for the house, dogs, size of room, durability, price, etc, but was not what BB wanted and was BB’s idea in the first place, BB would not ever want it or be happy with it.
I said to BB once your mind is made up, you don’t consider any other information so why should I continue to help BB on these shopping trips. I said I could find the same thing on eBay but you/BB would not like it and say something was wrong with the item because the price was lower, or it took too long to ship or the colors were different and so on.
We went home but I was just tired of the cold shoulder treatment so said something. BB said I was like clockwatchers H, grumpy and angry looking. I said I was tired of being grumpy and suppressing my frustrations went back to the store and bought the area rug.
The pattern is OK with me, the pile is too deep for a dining room (would like it in the bedroom but it’s the wrong size for the bedroom), the size is about 4 inches too long in one direction (my mistake) and there is too much “muddy dog foot traffic” by the back door for a rug like that.
I continued with painting the master bedroom a light lilac (I wanted it lighter) and painted the window frames white. The window frames were natural color and had some water stains on the wood because a bed BB wanted, the headboard was so high we could not get to the window for 7 years. BB thought the window should be replaced but I sanded and painted it. ( just more of her theory if it looks tack, junk it, don’t bother with sanding the stain to see if the wood is good, just more of what I referred to as using the “Easy Button,” one of my earlier thread titles.)
The master bedroom is a major re-do process and part of the replace everything that was damaged by BB’s cats. I have removed the baseboard trim, carpet, inspecting the sub floor, eliminating floor squeaks, painting the walls (progressed to this point) new laminate flooring imitation oak, accent rugs, new furniture and accessories.
Why? Because people have dreams. If this is what it takes to repair the R and I sell most of my business inventory ( I have too much) and BB changes into a contented person, the process might result with a favorable outcome.
If not, I don’t have to be concerned I did not try, or have any doubts that I left her with a bunch of unwanted baggage/problems of ours for her to sort through and fix. I got the “what if you died and let me with this house” too many times. BB has too many mental handicaps to cope with some problems. Rewinding a video tape causes her problems.
Re: Lil= Glad you found a C. Lil, the C (I will call “J” a 45 yr old male) I have seen 2 times before. He works next to/with the C-(FM about 45 who I will call “S”) BB and I saw, that asked why were still together (kind of like- if you don’t get along make a list of good things too, not just c). I don’t exactly know how to find a C like your bf is seeing.
J is more of a mentor-here is the way things go-life is what comes your way or how you make it-some people are not your type/how do you make the best of it/when do you put a stop to garbage/do you want to be there? He is mostly neutral in his leanings, more that sounds good/like a problem for you. He knows about DB and MW Davis. J thinks that if for couples that are better matched at wanting to make a R work but most people with differences and different motivations should read things like “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman.
J said, “ So you got through college by working hard, with books and a little help you taught yourself and became a good auto-mechanic, taught your self to repair printers, and now you are reading books to fix your M. It might work but it might be too big a job too. He was saying it in a tone like “books are good for some things but not for everything and the way I was going about it was the long, difficult way.
Re: Cally= I know if I worked hard all my life and had money coming in I would be resentful if someone tried to tell me what I could and couldn't buy.
BB never liked working very much and used many things to just hang out at home and with her pets. When she worked at the hospital (kids left home) she worked ˝ time. Sometime she was called two hours before her shift started and was told the patient load was light and her part of the shift was cancelled. Fifteen minuets later, the hospital called and said they had a lot of admittances and she was to come to work. BB would say they just called her to say she was not to come to work so she made an appointment for a perm/hair style, with a friend for lunch, etc and could not come to work. She would not go to work if asked to when a lot of people were sick with the flu on days she was not on the official work schedule.
About (I know if I worked hard all my life and had money) precisely “her money.” I always paid for 90% of what I consider reasonable needs. When BB was working, any money that went for insurance or flex spending health care account was not taxed so BB paid $1,800 a year for my health insurance, which lowered her taxes. BB did not have enough taxes taken out of her paycheck to cover her state and federal taxes because we had other joint income, so I made that up in my state and federal quarterly’s. She never paid any of the taxes on income from our savings or investments, local taxes, or car/house insurances. I figured the $1,800 she paid for my health insurance was more than off set by the $5,000 to $8,000 I paid for to the state, IRS, local taxes, and insurances. Why, you say? To keep peace.
BB’s opinion was she only worked part time and should not have to pay taxes, it was my position to support the family and some of those other things that were the norm during the 50’s where the wife stayed home, and the husband worked for a company that paid a good salary that supported a family comfortably. BB was a kid then and so was I. Now if the W does not work, that is the odd thing. Workingwomen changed the social customs in a way that required me to make some adjustments. I don’t know if I have then all right yet.
Just some of the reasons for the problems. I hope this helps me understand me and I hope it explains things to my cyber friends. Comments and 2X4’s welcome. Even pack rat comments.
