Quote: While that's happening, kindly pass me the other gal's number
No, I'll have it. I don't share your qualms. You should have offered to go watch the Jags get spanked with her.
I'm with you Gabe. I'd be much more intimidated by the possibility of a real relationship as opposed to a more shallow one with no or very little strings attached.
Gabe, as you put yourself out there in the dating arena I think you'll find that you more frequently draw contrast between the seemingly insurmountable and oftentimes unpleasant prospects of a relationship with an X that has cut and run once to someone with less noticeable flaws. I think it's only right (and healthy) to draw these comparisons. You should give this woman a chance.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Gabe, I am proud of you. Going on two dates in one week end WOW. You showed me you are a real man, you said no to the meaningless sex and you are waiting for a real R.
She has too many positives? Well you have just as many, its just that you have been through a war recently and have a few battle wounds. Gabe if you erase all of what your XW has done to your confidence, I'll bet you are better prepared to date her than most guys.
JM and NY Survivor, how about I just toss the phone number b/t the two of you, letting you tussle for it? Say what you might about her, she revealed an amazing amount of insight into men and Rs in that short contact, and was very nurturant (beyond intimacy) and mature.
But my curiosity is caught by this professional (No, Lost, not as in a lady of the night - as in a regular business professional). She's interested and has reciprocated every contact, and we're set up for our next outing. At this point, I'm just enjoying the prospect of sharing a meal with her or going on fun outdoor outings. She's very active as well when not working, works a lot just like me, so that will be a nice built-in manner of keeping things slowed down.
JDD, you are so right. Those of us who've invested in changing ourselves are probably the best options out there for those who know what really matters. This professional said the same, noting the same things we emphasize here. I saw those qualities in Koshka and JM when I saw them in Vegas (not that I was attracted to them, but if I were trying to set up a female friend or sister). A solid DBer tends to stand out for those who are looking. Maybe that makes a stand for one's M/R that much more difficult?
I get to have S6 on an overnight stay starting this afternoon after almost 8 days apart. I can't wait!!
works a lot just like me, so that will be a nice built-in manner of keeping things slowed down.
"Workaholic"? It's also a way to have a lot of space and distance built into a relationship. That's where you need to tread carefully; that could be an indication that she (or you) may be uncomfortable if the relationship starts to get "serious" for her, or for you. Keep in mind that a necessary component for a happy, healthy relationship is that of spending a good amount of time together. When that time together gets bumped by work needs, that can impair the relationship. Unless she's commitment phobic, in which case, that distance keeps her happy.
I get you, but I don't either one of us fit the category of 'workaholic.' Some careers just require 60 hr weeks or more. Its how one experiences those hrs (invigorating or not) and what one does with the other time that seems to make or break an R. My XW would tend to take work home with her to continue working rather than hang out and be with me. I tended to press thru my work as quickly as I could to have time for other things, and I seem to still be in that pattern.
I honestly don't know that much about this new person, but she does a lot of fun stuff, which suggests a similar balance. She was able to go "deep" in convo without shying away from topics, including D, the nature of a good M, religion, kids, career vs. family. It was just talk but it was nice for me to have a convo like that.
No response yet from XW about my suggested holiday break visitation schedule for S6. The few contacts with her show that she's come home with a great deal of frustration/anger, so I'm staying clear. There is no reason to see each other until we transfer S6 on Friday. Amazing how time changes things. I found myself crying after speaking with S6 on the phone last night, struck by sadness after thinking about my boy and the loss of his family.
I can recover and find someone wonderful, but if so, he'll always have a split family existence. Yet its not my choice anymore.
Quote: I can recover and find someone wonderful, but if so, he'll always have a split family existence.
That captures a good deal of my sentiments. If it's just me, I can handle it, but as a parent, you always want the best for your child, and I have a nagging sense that I'm falling short in this area just by virtue of the split family.
Granted, what we've gone through and our own self-examinations may in fact make us better parents than we would have been otherwise, but the doubts linger.
I was chatting on the train with our deacon last week, and he captured a lot of what I felt. We were talking about God, Jesus, how we were supposed to live as believers--and our own experiences of coming to God through conscious choice as adults as opposed to just going throught he motions.
With this, he suggested that my greatest frustration was probably the unshakeable belief that if W and I simply put it in Christ's hands and trusted Him to bring us together, then we could make this work. And he was dead on.
It's so hard to see how such trust and faith could not work. I don't know about your W Gabe, but my D7 is getting ready for her First Communion in May. W attends Church with her and takes her to religion classes. While I know I'm not supposed to judge, it all seems like such a sham to me--a sacrament with no underlying meaning if we can't live the one we entered. And the bottom line seems that there is no R other than my M that can change this. I can do my best, but I can't recpature the things I was supposed to and failed to give my kids in their childhood. I refuse to be shackled by these thoughts, but I'd be lying if I said I can ignore them.
Merrick your explanation hits the nail on the head. This is my problem completely, I can find another R, but how will my children deal with it and if I stay single and lonely then what?
I was so proud of my family, now its in shambles, XW is not happy, I am not happy and the kids try to stuff their feelings. This culture of D that we live in will affect the lives of our grandchildren. The culture of affairs and still claiming belief in God is a sham. XW sends me daily inspirational religious emails almost daily, why the sham?
Quote: And the bottom line seems that there is no R other than my M that can change this. I can do my best, but I can't recpature the things I was supposed to and failed to give my kids in their childhood.
I'm not Catholic or deeply religious so this doesn't hit me on such a religious level, but I do know that it's not healthy to think resentfully about broken vows and it doesn't help to think how your kids have been robbed of a complete family. It is the reality of the situation and it will likely be the reality of their future as well. With a divorce rate of 50% or more, there isn't that great a chance of all your kids avoiding it themselves.
What they can learn from this situation is how a difficult situation can be handled in a mature, responsible way. They can imitate loving their own future kids unconditionally. What would be really unfair for them is to see their father pine away, remain single, lonely and celebate after a divorce, and be in a depression about it all. They do need to know that life goes on. I know it's not an ideal thing to be a child of divorce, but it's possible for kids to be well-adjusted after divorce and also to eventually benefit from exposure to new love interests. To deny them that is to deny them the reality of life. Our reality is not necessarily pleasant, but who is to say that with the XS as they currently are and likely are going to stay, that life would be better with a complete family. They can learn valuable lessons from you and one of them is that life doesn't have to suck for a child of divorce and that life goes on for the father after divorce.
I don't regret the divorce. I didn't initiate it, I tried to turn things around, and I did my best to help my step-kids through it. But, if my XW instead of leaving and divorcing instead said.."I don't love you", but then stayed around only being held there by some vows, would it really be preferable? Knowing that all she wants to do is leave? Knowing the only reason she's with you is because of a vow?
And although I hate to argue religion, does initiating divorce mean that you no longer can go to church, believe, raise your children that way, or expect forgiveness?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Say what you might about her, she revealed an amazing amount of insight into men and Rs in that short contact, and was very nurturant (beyond intimacy) and mature.