Thanks for posting. I think you're right about letting go further, whether about her parenting (still struggle with those differences at times) or about mere thoughts regarding 'us'.
That's interesting about SO and his convent suggestion. XW actually suggested that maybe I consider the priesthood! In a slightly lighthearted way, but I think it would be easier on the ego of the WAS for them to know that noone else will enjoy or create s/t beautiful with the LBS. Both confirms their claims of being 'no-good' and protects from any remnant feelings like jealousy.
I have not told XW about my love for her or remaining feelings for her in some time (maybe since May/June). I think it would be counterproductive, given past experience with her. Plus, I'm past that level of pursuit. It would be up to her to change and do an about-face.
I met an attractive intelligent woman who works in finances and we're just talking lightly and planning a few dates. Its important for me to move on at this point, while keeping some part of the door cracked open. I'll be honest with this new person about my stance.
Quote: I met an attractive intelligent woman who works in finances and we're just talking lightly and planning a few dates. Its important for me to move on at this point, while keeping some part of the door cracked open. I'll be honest with this new person about my stance.
I completely understand where you are coming from on this, and I respect and honor the fact that you are willing to be open and honest with this new person.
Take your time, move slowly and pray, a lot. Those have all proven to be good tools for you in the past.
Quote: Take your time, move slowly and pray, a lot. Those have all proven to be good tools for you in the past.
Very timely advice! To be honest, my libido is going crazy lately, with me noticing my attraction to women even 20 yrs my senior. I know its just loneliness, but may also be the effects of working out and feeling better about myself and being in a better mood.
Prayer and moving slowly in any direction will help me to avoid missteps. I miss general companionship unique to being with a woman. Yet I've discovered that I'm pretty good at taking care of Gabe alone. I want this companionship, but don't truly need it. My R with God has been very fruitful in the past, and I need to get back to developing it further. Maybe this is a good fit with Advent and approaching Christmas.
XW is watching me. I posted an online personal ad - just to see what might happen, and she has visited it at least 4 times/wk (the site shows who visited - I don't think she realizes this yet). She noted to a mutual friend that I'm having lots of fun out in the dating world. Yet we've been in a nice friendly state. I've noticed a pattern of her bristling/defensiveness having (at least in part)some anticipation of anger or negativity on my part, but when I act friendly despite her unfriendliness, she returns to being friendly as well - if not in the moment, then by our next contact. She seems to appreciate me checking in on her and S6's well-being as well. As Wes noted to another, its important for me to work to be a stable, friendly presence rather than oscillate with my moods and to be seen as unpredictable.
On a side note, did I mention that I get to coach S6 in basketball in a winter league starting this Jan? How cool is that?! Bball was my favorite sport growing up, and I can't wait to shepherd him and a bunch of other munchkins on the court to teach them the basics of the game.
Quote: To be honest, my libido is going crazy lately,
Given your work environment, you're my hero in self-control! It's funny, I've got my first date (from online) in 20 years tomorrow night and I realized that it's the first date I've EVER had where I won't be wondering what base I'll reach. Whether you are 14 wondering about kiss or older thinking about more--or even if you want to play it cool and think ahead to the second or third date--the mindset of where this may lead is always present. Here, I just want to go out one night with a woman and simply learn about another person--nothing more and no fantasy. It's an extraordinary mindset to have--or as one of my good DB friends, says--"liberating".
Good to hear from you! I feel the same way in terms of dates - things are definitely better thought out than in my younger years. I'm staying thoughtful and in prayer about my XW and S6 and myself. I have 2 interesting possibilities for dates, but I'm going to insist in keeping things slow and light.
XW called a couple of times this weekend to talk. Officially, just wanted to chat about a couple of things regarding S6 and to ask me about a work meeting she missed, then went into light talk about herself, the holidays, and her and S6's upcoming visit to see her paternal Iowan family later this week. She's been spending a good amount of time with her father, something she missed in her youth due to his very heavy workload.
I notice my changes in many subtles ways. We were running 10 min late to Mass, and I was hurrying S6 along. In the past, I would have stayed upset or feeling guilty about our tardiness (or would have blamed XW internally for being late). This time I stopped in my tracks and said to S6 - "Are you still hungry?" When he said yes, I decided to take him to a local bakery for a cookie and some milk, with us making a later Mass ontime. It allowed for a comfortable, less stressed worship experience, and in a very valuable manner, the chance for the two of us to hang out on comfy lounge chairs together just talking about life and small things dressed up and relaxed.
S6 and I had a work friend and his 2 sons over to play this afternoon. The father and I are a bit awkward around each other due to a pulled business partnership. But I feel good about my part in the decision, as I found myself not trusting him. Better now than after some sort of business commitment. Maybe DBing is helping me to avoid many future forms of D! The afternoon was fun regardless, watching 3 little guys run around with lightsabers. I played a great, big Yoda, chasing them around the yard and house, depending on their latest goodguy or badguy affiliation.
Life is good. I'm halfway thru final exams week, no more lecturing til 2nd week in Jan, and I can see Christmas right around the corner.
The house is starting to feel like home again. I should be able to do some improvements over the holidays. Looking forward to that. On Sun, XW told me she's going to be selling her condo and looking for a house, cause she's not happy with it. This is 2 months after purchasing and moving in - 2 months! - I'm glad I'm not a real part of that merrygoround any more.
I feel for S6 as this means more instability in his life, yet it highlights the positives in my being able to buy her out of the house and keep the 'home' he's known for 4 of his 6 yrs. I also feel for her, as she continues to share with me evidence of her dissatisfaction with her life, and her scramble to solve this emptiness via external means. I wish peace for her, not the continued suffering of a lost soul.
I don't know if I love her anymore. I care for her and think fondly of parts of her (not just those parts, Jo. Jeesh, get your mind out of the gutter! ) But because I've evolved somewhat more and know that I'll only experience true love with someone who can love herself and me, I also know she can't provide that. XW isn't there - yet or ever, and for the first time, perhaps ever, I am aware of this and am acknowledging it as insufficient. I deserve better. I'm not sure if that's still love or the lack thereof.
XW & S6 are off to Iowa, coming back next Tue. While I'll miss him, I'll take advantage of the time to work in some extra GAL stuff, like going out with friends, maybe even a date or two?, work out more, and try s/t new. Not sure what.
I hope S6 brings lots of warm clothes! We are unseasonably cold up here right now (below 0 temps in the a.m.'s) -- we don't normally see that until January. It's supposed to warm up this weekend, however, and we do have snow on the ground so it's still pretty!
You sound like you are in an amazing place. I am so happy for you and proud of you for all of the work you've done. You and I started on this journey around the same time. You helped me get over some rough spots, and I hope I have done the same for you.
You are so clear on what you want and what you deserve, and I truly commend you for that. <applause!>
Yeah right! I suppose its all relative, isn't it...
Thanks for the compliment. I do hope to find what I deserve in someone. I read JamesL's thread in Surviving - he seems to have a similar stance. To stay in touch with the X, staying open to them changing and to the possibility of reconciliation, but not assuming either will happen, and moving on in the meanwhile. Very tricky business, that particular stance.
It must be the Christmas season. I've been approached by four women in the past 10 days communicating their interest in me in one way or another. All Catholic, most divorced. Things were very quiet over the past year really. Nothing like this. M, I am praying quite a bit, trying to shout out the libido, which seems to have quite a set of lungs on him. Just taking it very slowly, focusing on my work, squeezing in some extra rest and self-care, and hoping for some clear direction or a simple answer. Something tells me that there won't be a simple answer.
Um, if I may be so bold (and when have I ever been shy? ), to delicately broach your libido problem...well,...ummm....errr...you know, there is always self-pleasure.
I'm a hearty proponent of that! I think it helps all of us keep things in perspective and helps us prevent mistakes or choices we may later regret.
Stay warm down there...and send something warm our way!
The afternoon was fun regardless, watching 3 little guys run around with lightsabers. I played a great, big Yoda, chasing them around the yard and house, depending on their latest goodguy or badguy affiliation. 
) But because I've evolved somewhat more and know that I'll only experience true love with someone who can love herself and me, I also know she can't provide that. XW isn't there - yet or ever, and for the first time, perhaps ever, I am aware of this and am acknowledging it as insufficient. I deserve better. I'm not sure if that's still love or the lack thereof. 
