GEL
Ah well, there was a lot more to that situation then. My x has never been afraid of me. I am going horse back riding this weekend. You with your back 40, and horses. I dont like you because of that.


ok corri sounds interesting.

D wiped me out on Mon. Like I said it was a circus, x and I hadnt seen each other in a looong time. Had to stand in line waiting to get in courthouse for an hour, after 10 minutes her body language fell apart, her composure fell apart. She proceeded to cry from them on. I thought it was going to take an hour at the most, we ended up being together for 7. Whew.

She was touchy, and grabby and basically all over me the whole time(hugging, leaning, holding my hand/arm). She hasnt had any PT in a long time. I gave her a quick shoulder rub/squeeze and she groaned, and turned into jello. I wasnt messing with her, she was just so ridgid and tense I thought she was gonna snap.

The clerk made her fill out the same paperwork twice and made us trot back and forth from floor to floor, department to department. she didnt even notice she was so erratic and scattered. once she looked at me and said 'didnt I do this already'? Ahhh.

Anyways her mouth told the judge she wanted D, everything else told everyone else around us otherwise. Even he asked her questions he asked noone else.

Afterwards and this took hours, she didnt want to let me go, went on about all the things she did wrong, but how it would never be the same. I couldnt talk or I would have cracked, just nodded and validated, came home went to bed. I would rather fight in Custer's last stand then go thru that again.
Got up went to a club.....

I have never hated my x so much. (boy is that irrational, Mad at her for what I did) all yesterday at work. I was in a pretty cold rage, didnt act out at all though. That was the most emotionally unsatisfing encounter ever.
came home took a nap, read here. Felt peaceful as I said.

wasnt drinking or on anything else, but felt in a humorous mood. Sorta cest la vie. Karen says I will be up down and all over for up to a year. Yea.

Understood what my x went thru the past 6 months, how she has been reacting to me. Saw LostGals comment about affairs and a bunch of things clicked, that were all ready falling into place.

So my writing style has changed around here a few times. I have some fun with it. I am sure it is emotional juice that has my processors in overdrive. I am relaxed, there is nothing I can do anymore, no rope to pull.


In my reply to cobra, I said I have really high comprehension and can regurgitate like no tomorrow, it gets made a big deal of when you are in school. I am no genius. There is plenty of other kinds of intelligence. Did well in college, took my mcats, but then a convergence in events prompted me to get out of Dodge and go to Ak.

I am 33, love loud music, lights and colored patterns mesmerize me. They make me feel.... Charged up. Just went to Foofighters/weezer concert- I hate, hate,hate mobs. Can never zone out like I see others do. But the lights put me in a strange mood. The music is good, but I see how mathmatical David Grohl is in his music writing, he gets just how a chorus, and a riff will play right into your limbic system, and it works, but then I get to analyzing it and seeing how clinical he is with it. Sometimes it wrecks it for me. getting off on a tangent.

I dont like being in crowds/ mobs in particular. They fascinate me to watch however. Hence my joy of bartending. Watching people communicate via body language, sub communication, and limited verbal communication in a loud environment, is really fascinating.

Im really visual, and enjoy finding visual patterns.


Fabrics, Love silk and wool. Dont like polyester, evil manmade fabric that is cold when cold, hot when hot, and turns to plastic when heat is applied. but I have polartek jackets. I am really persnickity about my feet and socks, Ill wear them a couple times and toss them. Go barefoot whenever I can, often when I shouldnt. Cant have my feet under the covers when I sleep. LOL.

Usually I am organized, but its not compulsive. currently my closet and laundry room and office are in chaos. Have been for over a month. I am gonna take all my clothes to laundry and let them sort it out though, going out of town for thanksgiving to spend with my family.


Has anyone every accused you of 'over-reacting' to a situation that they felt did not warrant your response?

No. I lost my mental marbles once when affair started and I 'had' to make a choice between staying in TX, or coming back to CA. Neither choice was a solution. Didnt compute. "what are you doing Dave. Daaaavvv" Generally extreme anything is not healthy, IMO.

Has anyone every accused you of 'over-reacting' to a situation that they felt did not warrant your response?

My x said I was overreacting to her affair. I am not usually emotional. Other peoples emotional outbursts- road rage, anger in stores, etc,-- I wonder what stress they have in there life to cause it.
When I am in physical tussels at the bar, I tend to smile, so I have been told. Unless they are hurting someone else.

Have you ever been in a situation where you responded almost instinctively, yet once the 'response' was concluded, immediately regretted the action?

Yes, found out x was back in contact with OM after going to counselor. took our wedding pictures of wall, tossed them into corner of room. First time she ever saw me get upset, she was wide eyed with wonder. I have stated I have been disgusted with my reactios to her thru this. I dont verbally berate people. I did her.
Sigh.

So, I typically dont respond instinctively. Exceptions when I am in extremely hairy physical situations, then I 'go away'. I let my body take care of itself in essence, its called the 'no mind' in martial arts speak. I really like that feeling. Meet and spoke with Jacques Mayol, studied his stuff and learned how to engage it deeply.

Affair is another exception. Like LFL said it was a brutal test that I failed. I devoured books on marriage and affairs after coming across Marriage Builders. His parable of letting a women into every room of your house whupped me. I knew I didnt do that intentionally often. So, I read, meshed them with what I knew of attraction, went after her, blocked out everything else. There are some really strong ways to 'go after' a woman without being needy, grabby, supplicating.

Dont know why I didnt think of or come across DB,DR, during this. We were back together in 3 months. Shrug. Ill give myself a pass for this one. I almost passed it, then stumbled. Some of my attraction stuff was skewed or not applicable long term. It was all just my beliefs/perspective/experience anyways.

It takes two.

Soo whats your theory? Am I on the brink of Schizo? Has my narcissim lead me to it. Should I immediately run for the lithium?

<BF wanders off...mumbling to self>

if E=MCsquared
and Csquared is the speed of dark/the speed of light squared
and the Creator is E then...
the big bang would be a simple result of

M =E/Csquared



gotta run. dont know if Ill have internet, untill next week. Everyone have a great thanksgiving.