Good - glad that things feel clearer for you. Just don't be suprised if you experience a kind of post D "hangover" of all types of strange feelings for the next 6 mos to 1 yr. I think I experienced that most strongly for about 6 months. The strangest things would bring up feelings about the M - never love but confusion, hate (for me and him), feelings of failure, questions, doubts, the occasional unexpected good memories, guilt, relief etc... I realize that it is different for everyone but that M had been dead for about seven of its 10 years and even still the D was just plain weird.
Quote: Why do I like it when you cuss at me? It makes me smile. thanks for that.
Fck if I know.
So you aren't drinking... hmmmmmm. Well, something is definitely sending your processors into overdrive, extreme overdrive... I can tell by the differences in your writing style.
You know, I have had a theory occur to me about you, something that would make complete and total sense to me if I'm correct...
Okay, I think I read on this thread that you are on the high end of intelligence... a young genius type? That correct? How old are you now? And think about this for a moment... do you have any type of extreme sensitivity(s) to light, sound (music, loud noise), crowds, food... yelling? (not necessarily what is being yelled, just the volume)... uhm.. colors? Clothing textures... is there a fabric you WILL NOT WEAR because of how it feels... do you wear socks, or do you hate them? Do you have a penchant for organizing what you consider to be your personal space in a certain way? Not necessarily neat, but just in your way?
Have you ever had what some people would call extreme reactions in response to an 'emotional' situation?
Has anyone every accused you of 'over-reacting' to a situation that they felt did not warrant your response?
Have you ever been in a situation where you responded almost instinctively, yet once the 'response' was concluded, immediately regretted the action?
Bare with me, I know these questions sound zaney, but think about it...
I'm interested in where you are going with this. All of that sounds a lot like my H too. I read a book years ago called "the Drama of the Gifted Child." I think it addressed something akin to where you are headed.
Oh, and P.S., try not to analyze where the helll I am going with this before you respond or you'll ruin it. Honest response, please. I am not trying to expose your vulnerable underbelly. No set ups.
Yes she is flip. Her foo is much more hispanic then oriental. Your comments about her foo are right on, and yesterday when she apologized and went thru her litany of things she did wrong, she said the biggest one was not speaking up. Her family is very enmeshed, yada yada.
some things. I went to Houston where OM already was. When SHTF we came back to SoCal.
Career wise OM is pretty successful. Any altruism on my part was purely friendship wise, get him out of his depression, and maybe off the drugs. Long term they will mess him up, but if he is addicted judging from his usage they dont affect his work. He was like a brother too me, I wasnt trying to feed my ego.
I had no confidance or ego a year ago. Normally, things including work seem to come pretty quickly when I want them, Houston market after Enron, Worldcom, and Reliant layoffs made things not so good, to put it mildly, in the field I was seeking. part of her taking a year and a month to graduate instead of 3 months. Market there was good when we planned move. cest la vie. While not a big hardship financially, it rocked my world, I had a lot of importance and future proceedings all tied up with it, besides which I dont do well not doing. I get antsy. Looking back I shake my head. Dumb. If she had said we will be fine, You always figure it out, as evedinced by my past performance, I likely would have snapped out of it. words of encouragement. Not her job though, I am the man, supposed to provide the security.
This also means that leaving her may not be a default decision. I agree, but it is too late now. My litany yesterday was Nopkins in my head, we are both to messed up to make a go of this.
What is in your background that you have not shared? Why do you push so hard to prove yourself? Why are you so obsessed with success? Why do you cater to dangerous jobs and challenge fate? You know fully well this is akin to a death wish, which in turn comes from self hatred. Where does this originate in you? Who are you trying to live up to, to impress? For men, I think this is usually the father, trying to get acceptance and respect that father never gave. Give us some background on this
Dangerous jobs, dont seem dangerous to me. They feel fun and exciting. They require me to be on, and pay attention, and are a kind of a 'test' I guess. I dont think I have self-hatred, I just dont have fear of death. I have some stories, and scars to go with this. Because of this I dont seize up in when things get weird. I had more uncontrollable emotion during D yesterday then when things get hairy. As for being obsessed with success.... that may apply to Warren Buffet, or Trump, or Bill Gates. I want to be the best that I can at whatever I turn my attention too. I dont know what the best I can be is without pushing myself till I fail.
Like HP said I am a bastard truly, parents D was just before or after my birth, barely know my father. never looked up to my step-dad as a father figure, and thats not rewriting history one smidgen.
As far as rising quickly in the blue collar field, there are some amazing characters out there. thinking they are incompetent etc, especially in LaLa Land, is not a good tactic to take. Man there are so many gifted people in different ways in the sector I was involved in. Many of them are there because of the money, and because they get bored easily. Every few months they have to struggle all over again. I had something that made school easy. I can comprehend and regurgitate like no tomorrow. Doesnt make me better or smart. Its just one kind of intelligence, that people get hung up on during school years. I am a R mess and fumbling thru life like everyone else despite the fact that my interpersonal skills are not shabby. If anything being told your smart as a young person can do you a disservice. You get to full of yourself, overconfidant that you can run into ANY situation and figure it out, and fix it as you go, rather then being cautious and humble. R dominoes fall faster then I can keep up. As a man I think the dominoes are more along the lines of JENGA though. We build upwards with our foundation being our wife. When she goes the resulting 33 ft/sec/sec collapse is real damn fast. Women build horizontally, like a strip mall. They just go to a different store if their favorite one closes.
Where did I see that illustration...?
Thanks for your comments, some of it is important for me to keep in mind. I was half tempted to hijack my thread and talk with you about the market and commodities. I think gold is going to go higher.
Hi Blackfoot Sorry you had such a traumatic day They say a divorce is very similar to a death in terms of grieving. Denial->Anger->Bargaining->Depression->Acceptance. Everyone is different so you may not go through all of these stages but I hope you get to some level of acceptance and peace with all of this soon. Thinking of you. Hope you can find some sense of thanks this holiday and spend some quality time with friends and family. LFL
GEL Ah well, there was a lot more to that situation then. My x has never been afraid of me. I am going horse back riding this weekend. You with your back 40, and horses. I dont like you because of that.
ok corri sounds interesting.
D wiped me out on Mon. Like I said it was a circus, x and I hadnt seen each other in a looong time. Had to stand in line waiting to get in courthouse for an hour, after 10 minutes her body language fell apart, her composure fell apart. She proceeded to cry from them on. I thought it was going to take an hour at the most, we ended up being together for 7. Whew.
She was touchy, and grabby and basically all over me the whole time(hugging, leaning, holding my hand/arm). She hasnt had any PT in a long time. I gave her a quick shoulder rub/squeeze and she groaned, and turned into jello. I wasnt messing with her, she was just so ridgid and tense I thought she was gonna snap.
The clerk made her fill out the same paperwork twice and made us trot back and forth from floor to floor, department to department. she didnt even notice she was so erratic and scattered. once she looked at me and said 'didnt I do this already'? Ahhh.
Anyways her mouth told the judge she wanted D, everything else told everyone else around us otherwise. Even he asked her questions he asked noone else.
Afterwards and this took hours, she didnt want to let me go, went on about all the things she did wrong, but how it would never be the same. I couldnt talk or I would have cracked, just nodded and validated, came home went to bed. I would rather fight in Custer's last stand then go thru that again. Got up went to a club.....
I have never hated my x so much. (boy is that irrational, Mad at her for what I did) all yesterday at work. I was in a pretty cold rage, didnt act out at all though. That was the most emotionally unsatisfing encounter ever. came home took a nap, read here. Felt peaceful as I said.
wasnt drinking or on anything else, but felt in a humorous mood. Sorta cest la vie. Karen says I will be up down and all over for up to a year. Yea.
Understood what my x went thru the past 6 months, how she has been reacting to me. Saw LostGals comment about affairs and a bunch of things clicked, that were all ready falling into place.
So my writing style has changed around here a few times. I have some fun with it. I am sure it is emotional juice that has my processors in overdrive. I am relaxed, there is nothing I can do anymore, no rope to pull.
In my reply to cobra, I said I have really high comprehension and can regurgitate like no tomorrow, it gets made a big deal of when you are in school. I am no genius. There is plenty of other kinds of intelligence. Did well in college, took my mcats, but then a convergence in events prompted me to get out of Dodge and go to Ak.
I am 33, love loud music, lights and colored patterns mesmerize me. They make me feel.... Charged up. Just went to Foofighters/weezer concert- I hate, hate,hate mobs. Can never zone out like I see others do. But the lights put me in a strange mood. The music is good, but I see how mathmatical David Grohl is in his music writing, he gets just how a chorus, and a riff will play right into your limbic system, and it works, but then I get to analyzing it and seeing how clinical he is with it. Sometimes it wrecks it for me. getting off on a tangent.
I dont like being in crowds/ mobs in particular. They fascinate me to watch however. Hence my joy of bartending. Watching people communicate via body language, sub communication, and limited verbal communication in a loud environment, is really fascinating.
Im really visual, and enjoy finding visual patterns.
Fabrics, Love silk and wool. Dont like polyester, evil manmade fabric that is cold when cold, hot when hot, and turns to plastic when heat is applied. but I have polartek jackets. I am really persnickity about my feet and socks, Ill wear them a couple times and toss them. Go barefoot whenever I can, often when I shouldnt. Cant have my feet under the covers when I sleep. LOL.
Usually I am organized, but its not compulsive. currently my closet and laundry room and office are in chaos. Have been for over a month. I am gonna take all my clothes to laundry and let them sort it out though, going out of town for thanksgiving to spend with my family.
Has anyone every accused you of 'over-reacting' to a situation that they felt did not warrant your response?
No. I lost my mental marbles once when affair started and I 'had' to make a choice between staying in TX, or coming back to CA. Neither choice was a solution. Didnt compute. "what are you doing Dave. Daaaavvv" Generally extreme anything is not healthy, IMO.
Has anyone every accused you of 'over-reacting' to a situation that they felt did not warrant your response?
My x said I was overreacting to her affair. I am not usually emotional. Other peoples emotional outbursts- road rage, anger in stores, etc,-- I wonder what stress they have in there life to cause it. When I am in physical tussels at the bar, I tend to smile, so I have been told. Unless they are hurting someone else.
Have you ever been in a situation where you responded almost instinctively, yet once the 'response' was concluded, immediately regretted the action?
Yes, found out x was back in contact with OM after going to counselor. took our wedding pictures of wall, tossed them into corner of room. First time she ever saw me get upset, she was wide eyed with wonder. I have stated I have been disgusted with my reactios to her thru this. I dont verbally berate people. I did her. Sigh.
So, I typically dont respond instinctively. Exceptions when I am in extremely hairy physical situations, then I 'go away'. I let my body take care of itself in essence, its called the 'no mind' in martial arts speak. I really like that feeling. Meet and spoke with Jacques Mayol, studied his stuff and learned how to engage it deeply.
Affair is another exception. Like LFL said it was a brutal test that I failed. I devoured books on marriage and affairs after coming across Marriage Builders. His parable of letting a women into every room of your house whupped me. I knew I didnt do that intentionally often. So, I read, meshed them with what I knew of attraction, went after her, blocked out everything else. There are some really strong ways to 'go after' a woman without being needy, grabby, supplicating.
Dont know why I didnt think of or come across DB,DR, during this. We were back together in 3 months. Shrug. Ill give myself a pass for this one. I almost passed it, then stumbled. Some of my attraction stuff was skewed or not applicable long term. It was all just my beliefs/perspective/experience anyways.
It takes two.
Soo whats your theory? Am I on the brink of Schizo? Has my narcissim lead me to it. Should I immediately run for the lithium?
<BF wanders off...mumbling to self>
if E=MCsquared and Csquared is the speed of dark/the speed of light squared and the Creator is E then... the big bang would be a simple result of
M =E/Csquared
gotta run. dont know if Ill have internet, untill next week. Everyone have a great thanksgiving.
No, I don't think you are Schizo or anything remotely close. And the very LAST thing you need is to be medicated. You went through a rough day yesterday, and I am so sorry for your pain. Got my own D day coming up and I'm thinking about sending in a proxy.
And please don't be so dismissive about your intellectual gift. It is your bounty and your bane. And I hate to tell you this, but I don't personally think you 'failed' at your marriage, I just think that you might not know 'why' it unraveled... and until you do, you will consider it a 'failure.'
I think your very, very, very strong emotions, not just about the D, but in general, are throwing you. And since they do, you either repress them or they find their way out in extreme ways.
In essence, YOUR emotions (not the emotions of others -- which you happen to be VERY sensitive and empathetic to) do not compute, or they perplex you, or they take over. It would be my guess that this happened to you more as a child than it does now, but it extreme cases, such as a D, they almost become like a virus attacking the hard drive of a computer.
That is not to say you don't intellectually consider your emotions... you probably analyze them to death, come to some sort of conclusion - put them in their proper place - and then move on.
What I'm talking about is the effect they have on you before cognition begins... the things that unconsciously cause you to do things before you are aware... you are like a walking 'delayed' reaction. This delay can last for days, weeks, months, or years... probably contributed to the demise of your marriage.
Now mind you, I am not saying this to point out some sort of flaw or fault within you. Based on your answers to my previous questions, I suspect you may very well be an Adult Indigo... and Indigos, whether you buy into the origin of the phrase or the philosophy of it all... exhibit certain common traits. Helps explain why you do the things you do.
In any event, I think your ability to 'emotionally' process is no where NEAR your ability to 'intellectually' process, and it could very well be tripping you up without you even being aware of it. This is very typcial of people who have been identified as 'gifted,' as well as for the Indigos.
So if you think you might like to learn more about this, let me know. You may or may not agree with any of it, but if you do, it may just be one more thing to help bring you clarity.
As for your big bang mishmash, here's one for you: Consider a closed box filled with "n" photons of light of frequency (that is, color) "w". Lets assume that there is NOTHING in this box other than these photons. (In practise you never have light of a single color, so this is really an idealization, but it will keep things simple). Then, from Quantum mechanics, the total energy "E" of the light in the box works out to be the (below) formula - Planck's formula for electromagnetic energy:
E=(1/2+n)h_bar w
Here h_bar is just a very small fixed number called the "reduced Planck's constant".
Now, suppose we somehow eliminate all the photons from the box....til the very last one, so that there is not a single photon left. We already assumed that there was nothing else in the box, so when the photons are gone, you really have NOTHING.
Again: E=(1/2+n)h_bar w
What's the catch?
THIS IS FOR BLACKIE, SO NO ASSISTANCE FROM THE AUDIENCE PLEASE... BLACKIE AND ONLY BLACKIE.
Quote: Cant have my feet under the covers when I sleep. LOL.
Blackfoot, sorry to hear you are having to go through tough times. I suppose many feel that you have so much confidence we forgot about your D. By reading your posts, I see it has been hard on you. I wish for your sake it would have been easier or I could have given some words of comfort but know that I can't do much.
I would like you to heal as best as you can. It sounds like the M is over on paper but is never over in the heart.
About Corri E=(1/2+n)h_bar w I will be following that one. There is a lot of tallent here on the board.
Women build horizontally, like a strip mall. They just go to a different store if their favorite one closes. 
You with your back 40, and horses. I dont like you because of that. 
Watching people communicate via body language, sub communication, and limited verbal communication in a loud environment, is really fascinating. 
Cant have my feet under the covers when I sleep. LOL. 
I am gonna take all my clothes to laundry and let them sort it out though, going out of town for thanksgiving to spend with my family.