I also agree with stig and honey... as I've said other places an A doesn't "just happen." Even if one wanders unknowingly (and I question this in anyone older than 15) to the edge of the abyss, there is a moment (or 50) where you look into the abyss and know exactly what it means to jump in there. People do not just fall in there... and they aren't pushed either. Someone may push ON them, but it's all about choice.

I'm not saying a person can't be deluded or lie to themselves... but believe me, there is a turning point on this path and you KNOW when you're making the turn. It might be something as simple as the first hand squeeze that's held a few seconds longer than it was in the past, accompanied by the glance that says, "will we or won't we?" Or it might be telling your partner you're going to be one place when in fact you're headed to the other side of town (or out of town) where no one will recognize your car. When you're at that crossroads, you know it. And you know with total clarity that you can decide not to go further. She decided to go further. You didn't make her do it. She may have done it 100% in reaction to you, but she's still the one who took the step. And BTW, after taking that first step, she could have stopped at any time.

What would it mean to you if you gave up the idea that "you ruined her"? I'm curious what the payoff is in that belief? Does it preserve a shred of her innocence if a combo of you and OM did it to her instead of accepting that she was a Big Girl and made this choice of her own free will.

Does this have anything to do with your attraction to your assistant? If you can be allowed to believe that your W acted out of some innocent miscalculation, does that make you "innocent" too and diminish your responsibility for the emotional involvement with your assitant?

"Innocence" isn't necessarily an appealing or a practical virtue in a man or woman past adolescence.

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Changing the subject, re trained therapists, if I'm not mistaken, karen and her H are therapists for real. At least I believe he practices. K may have transitioned from practice to non-profit administration. And Lou and his BB both have experience working with troubled women/teens.