Wow, that was quite a bit to put into one post....but it's quite apparant that you are doing a great deal of self-discovery that has needed to be done. It's time for you to take some time to concentrate on YOU and, as you have said yourself, why you did some of the things you did in your M.
I realize I only know brief portions of your history with your W...but when you mentioned that you had allowed OM to move in I thought to myself that you were setting her up to fail the fidelity test. Did you do that intentionally, I don't know...it's just what I thought when I read that.
A friend of mine went through a similar experience, only she was in your W's shoes at the time. She found herself becoming more and more attracted to someone who started out as a mere friend and business acquaintance. Her H neglected their M in many ways and often put the two of them (my friend and OM) in situations to "test" them. I could see in that situation what was eventually going to happen...if he kept throwing the two of them together eventually they were going to have a weak moment and give in, that's exactly what did happen. From an outsiders perspective though it appeared that he orchestrated it. As often as he pushed my friend and his friend together it was bound to happen. It was almost as if he was daring either of them to hurt him that way. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how it appeared to me.
Did she make a good choice at that time? No of course not. I remember one specific time that my friends H called me at the office all upset about his W cheating on him....but he also proceeded to tell me about all the times he left them alone in private situations....when he already suspected at the very least an attraction between the two of them. I couldn't help myself and asked him "if you think she's cheating on you then why in the he!! would you leave the two of them together for hours on end in your house?!"
Now, this is just me speaking of course, and this is what I told him too....if I thought my spouse was attracted to someone the last thing I'm going to do is leave them in a situation alone with the other person, it was alsmost as if he was daring them to do something....which eventually they did when the right situation presented itself which included alcohol and a weak moment.
I'm not excusing what happened....just illustrating how I can see someone setting their spouse up to fail a fidelity test. You mentioned that you might have pushed her as well by testing her....but by allowing OM to move in, you also set her up to fail. What she did wasn't right though...please don't think I'm excusing her. What the OM did wasn't excusable either....and I hope this isn't coming off to sound like I'm making this all out to be your fault, that's not my intent either. She and OM have to take responsibilit for their actions....I'm just looking from the outside in on a situation. Primarily the one where OM was living under your roof.
I may be waaaaaay off base, just throwing in my 2-cents....or really my observations.
I must admit that there are times I wonder if my H is testing me as well...and in some ways setting me up to fail. His 1st W cheated on him. I don't know why for sure, but she did. I know many people who would have given in on an A long before now if they were in my sitch too....but for me, I'll D before I'll have an A.
