By the time the next decade draws to a close, my oldest will be 16 and then, of course, it will be time for her and I to head to the hills and hope this Alaska-trained bastard can't find us. LOL! I almost spit my diet coke across the computer screen when I read that gem.
" I rather like excitement and would have been bored to the point of running away, were it just good happy times. But I think I could have lived without the emotional abandonment and subsequent sexual difficulties. Call me crazy."
What can I say but ditto. The hard times can make the good times sweeter, I just wish the hard times would go away for at least a little while.
"Actually, Chromo, our last decade has been full of SO many good memories."
I don't have many good marriage memories to look back on unfortunately, but there are a few. And my life other than my marriage has been great. And the marriage does look hopeful.
Here's to the next ten years! (clink)
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I think it's been some freaking macho contest all along, even now Like I tell the guys its usually not conscious. Not an excuse for affairs, but most people are just following their programming without awareness.
some of us are aware, and still follow it via coming up with more complex subconcious ways to trip ourselves.
Im used to your arse doing the talking. still it sometimes has something pertinant to say. I was getting a little uptight, your comment helped me loosen up again. I have my boundaries, wont go out of them or be pulled out either. If others dont like mine, pfff. It happens.
This place is tricky and takes some getting used to for me. My R talk with women 'friends' the past several years has consisited of, --'you should talk to your H/bf about that.'
As for our descrepancy, I feel the need to defend her now, after my insomnial blatherings. I need to do as HD does and make a disclaimer also from now on.
--zippo sleep in several days, causing unfiltered BF to really truly be unfiltered.
Oh well at least I am getting some insight to myself. Ill journal in a little bit here, cause I am no angel. gotta dispel that silly notion.
which brings me to...... heheh you had three bf's too. I KNEW IT. <pleased as punch with self dance>
Stig
I dont feel like revisiting that now or going into detail about that here. suffice it to say I am a strong believer in karmic energy. I will choose honesty and the consternation that brings then trying to tax my meager resources with remembering who what where when I said what. Be honest, truthful, respectful. Let them make their choices.
Lil no you most certainly werent on the hollywood fairytale bandwagon. I have stuff to ponder with you about your bf. You trained therapist you.....I knew you were clever and agile... no more excuses now, by golly
Well, I took the classes and got the piece of paper, but mostly I'm a trained client.
<insert light bulb over Lil's head>
Synchronicity Alert! you used the word "trained," and so did I in my reply just above...as soon as I typed that I realized that was the name the boy in the dream gave when he shook hands with bf.
Trained... I'm trained...maybe that orphan is my shadow side, who has forgotten that she's trained...?
LFL, Of course TRUCE thats it? hmm ok. Your welcome.
Journaling, thoughts run amuck
1) Figure out why you played relational leap frog with your wife and fix it in YOU
I have been ruminating on this and HP's stuff for months.
WHY did you allow OM into your home? Have you asked yourself this question? Could it be that YOU were testing HER?
it was not plotted and planned, but I dont doubt that it was a test. the question is why. Did I suspect in my subconcious that she was this way? Her brother was after we got married, some studies linking family heritage to it. Is this a good thing that I found out before having kids, which we were on the cusp of? or did I just test her to failure, as I constantly test myself. Push, push and when you go to far push somemore.
Currently I am acting almost manic. I work brutal hard 6-2:30, go to gym, post here, go to bar work/and post here 9-2. post here getting home. Friday there was an altercation. I got in it as my wont is to do. Why I am 33, not a doormen. BTDT. Then go to dojo on monday to tune back up after being out of it for years. Its like some MLC almost. (nop was right about number 4 too, of course. Ill stick to casual R's, but not gonna last another 2 weeks in other ways.) I dont 'need' any of it, yet here I go down that road to what end. So I am in need of it in some way. At the expense of my real work? This is my lifes problem. ignoring well being because of confidance. free climbing accident, rebreather accident, always pushing the envelope, and having situations arise that are from my own doing. I knew the cliff was decomposing granite. I modified my rebreather and then went outside the boundaries of partial pressures vs workload and O2 comsumtion, that I had calculated and instituted. My marriage I had confidance in myself/us instead of applying well-being to avoid sad tired story of best friend switch.
But I know I will be ok.... and there it is. Two sides to inner self, confidance and well-being. I have confidance up the yinyang, never doubt that I will succeed, or that I can recover from failure, loss, accident, anything. masculine energy, My well being is bereft however. feminine energy.
so the answer to NOPs question is not a simple --do not let other man live with me. My subconscious will just circumvent it in another way if I do not find a way to take my confidance down to a level that is not egotistical. Like LFL said. not because the women will test me, but because I will 'break her'. Must increase my well-being to a healthy level that I can go into another R with a W and be able to provide her with the need for security, and protection.
soo how to do that?
shortterm easy 1 stop tending bar, except fri, sat ok sat. 2 dont do doormens job except in need of assistance. Not necessary to be first up. I have nothing to prove to myself, anymore. stop it. 3 implement schedule that includes 9 hours sleep. do not deviate from. 4 D is major major failure in life, self caused. own it. feel it. stop detaching via GAL. remember for future, keep carry on baggage. Feel the pain. Remember beautiful girl you ruined.
does this mean she wasnt right for me, and she failed because of that, or did I ask for too much.
her morals are very very high considering they were not consciously internalized. I fear not finding that again. I am absolutely convinced the D is a huge mistake, we have crashing insecurities, her about rejection and me about value. Her addiction to OM was very slight after 4 months, I could see his attraction mistakes clear as a bell. It made me snicker. He didnt pay attention in class. plus he started acting like himself instead of me. She was completely FEmale. She had some personality quirks 'red flags'in the beginning, tests that she put me thru, but they went almost completely away after 2nd year. Besides everyone does. Look at mine. hers came out with a VENGENANCE during A. Like they had been hiding and building up little testing buddies for years. I stopped acting male, and she attached to --forced presence --of strong biologically attractive male. duh.Why didnt she say so. I was just waiting for the signal. If I had pre-empted it would have caused withdrawals anyways. But there would not have been any declarations. she is highly susceptible to chemicals. PEA wiped her out when she met me, I was aware of it, tried to step it down. expected her to control that? I always monitored her chemical intakes.(I clinically dabbled in the past andrew shulgin is a hero?, amazing chemist at any rate.) I believe now that shame keeps her from making stronger overtures. PA with OM killed it. Thought it would, but believe I may be to male to 'let it go'. vented on her because of EA, though I know the drill, how could I deal with PA for next 40 years.
insecurities.... Im just a uneducated blue collar simple kinda guy
where the heck did this come from. Could be considered denigrating, or arrogant. Not intentions It was said depreciatingly, not attractive. I am satisfied with my work right now. Dont love it. Do I care that I dont have a masters or a PHD?
Do I need a job that requires one to be happy?
could easily Go back to school now. It would be a step towards well-being. Cant go back to being scuba instructor job I love money is fine, but best store is owned by philandering azzhole. Currently cant stomach philandering fri../associates. Used to be indifferent, non judgemental, now there noxious, toxic karmic energy blechs me. Try to keep judgements toned down. It takes three. Dont want to open up own store to much responsibility. I dont want to be a king. again lacking well-being. Warrior yes, magician yes occasionally, poet mmmm when PEA hits hard to avoid, king blech never.
baby step it. goals behavior changes.
at least I have finally had the A-HA. I now know I dont have well being. Know women need it. thus I will develop some insecurity, some where some how to crash into her lack of confidance. I am very male, I will end up with someone very female, my lack of well being will hit her lack of confidanace.
Now-- can I fix me. or have I just internalized/verbalized the eternal struggle in a new way. Im so tired. Never let OM close to me/mine again. Not jealous, protective.
You're the next Beckett. Lots of stuff here. This jumped out at me:
Feel the pain. Remember beautiful girl you ruined.
--I won't recognize this self-flagellation. You cannot ruin something you neither created nor controlled (x). She picked her poison. God, man, and nuptial witnesses warned her about the fruit. But the fruit was so ripe. Hanging there. Thou shalt not. But it looks SO good. Our characters are our snakes in trees. Yours watches...blinks...while your instrument of Honor charms it into silence. Her snake talks and she lets it. Your Adam walked away when he noticed her stealing glances at the fruit. Her snake kept whispering. She listened. She plucked.
She ruined herself. She ruined your well-being. She ruined the M. Sin can be forgiven. Memory cannot be forgotten. True remorse heals. Time heals, together or apart. Listen to your gut. Pray on it. Let the path reveal itself.
"...her morals are very very high considering they were not consciously internalized. I fear not finding that again. I am absolutely convinced the D is a huge mistake, we have crashing insecurities, her about rejection and me about value. Her addiction to OM was very slight after 4 months, I could see his attraction mistakes clear as a bell..."
--Her morals are not very, very high. You're rationalizing. Sorry. Your ring was on her finger. That was you wrapped around her finger. Did she keep herself from looking at it with OM? Did she take it off? Doubt x is a bad person. To err is human. We all know. You still love her. It's obvious. She still loves you I'm sure. I know the doubt you feel. Don't fear the future. You don't know the future. You don't know her addiction to OM; only she does/did.
--Fear is the Mind-Killer (another Dune ref. for you Chrome). You cannot reconcile with x out of this fear. You will reconcile with x out of mutual Agape type Love/honor/respect. You will find another. Maybe equal, Maybe better. Anything less you will just keep casual.
Feel the fear and let it go. The sea is full of fish. The BF-x chemistry will determine how it will proceed/not proceed. You both cannot control it or steer it. It will happen. It will take control. Only True Remorse/Heart Promise to BF (x) and Letting PA Go (BF) will determine success/failure. Yours is the much tougher path as it is strewn full of doubts...and it only takes 1 to undermine the whole new R.
"...I am satisfied with my work right now. Dont love it. Do I care that I dont have a masters or a PHD?
Do I need a job that requires one to be happy?"
--Re-read Leviticus 29:11. I will transcribe it here for you to save you the effort:
"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to hurt you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
Finally. Manic BF. Slow the parasympathetic system. Deep through nose, hold, slow release through mouth while holding tongue on palette. Repeat 3 more X. The clock is ticking on the POP. So what? On D-Day the Chinese will not come to your door, kneel you down, put bullet in your head...then bill your family for same said bullet. Like I told Cobra, the D (as well as the M) is just an abstraction.
On D-Day lay on your back in the grass in your Mind's Eye. Focus on the brilliant blue sky. The POP dark clouds will move into frame but keep staring into the blue...they will pass out of frame and be done. You will be the same. She will be the same.
The Earth still revolves and tomorrow is a new day.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Lots of stuff here. This jumped out at me: