Blackfoot,

You're the next Beckett. Lots of stuff here. This jumped out at me:

Feel the pain. Remember beautiful girl you ruined.

--I won't recognize this self-flagellation. You cannot ruin something you neither created nor controlled (x). She picked her poison. God, man, and nuptial witnesses warned her about the fruit. But the fruit was so ripe. Hanging there. Thou shalt not. But it looks SO good. Our characters are our snakes in trees. Yours watches...blinks...while your instrument of Honor charms it into silence. Her snake talks and she lets it. Your Adam walked away when he noticed her stealing glances at the fruit. Her snake kept whispering. She listened. She plucked.

She ruined herself. She ruined your well-being. She ruined the M. Sin can be forgiven. Memory cannot be forgotten. True remorse heals. Time heals, together or apart. Listen to your gut. Pray on it. Let the path reveal itself.

"...her morals are very very high considering they were not consciously internalized. I fear not finding that again. I am absolutely convinced the D is a huge mistake, we have crashing insecurities, her about rejection and me about value. Her addiction to OM was very slight after 4 months, I could see his attraction mistakes clear as a bell..."

--Her morals are not very, very high. You're rationalizing. Sorry. Your ring was on her finger. That was you wrapped around her finger. Did she keep herself from looking at it with OM? Did she take it off? Doubt x is a bad person. To err is human. We all know. You still love her. It's obvious. She still loves you I'm sure. I know the doubt you feel. Don't fear the future. You don't know the future. You don't know her addiction to OM; only she does/did.

--Fear is the Mind-Killer (another Dune ref. for you Chrome). You cannot reconcile with x out of this fear. You will reconcile with x out of mutual Agape type Love/honor/respect. You will find another. Maybe equal, Maybe better. Anything less you will just keep casual.

Feel the fear and let it go. The sea is full of fish. The BF-x chemistry will determine how it will proceed/not proceed. You both cannot control it or steer it. It will happen. It will take control. Only True Remorse/Heart Promise to BF (x) and Letting PA Go (BF) will determine success/failure. Yours is the much tougher path as it is strewn full of doubts...and it only takes 1 to undermine the whole new R.

"...I am satisfied with my work right now. Dont love it. Do I care that I dont have a masters or a PHD?


Do I need a job that requires one to be happy?"

--Re-read Leviticus 29:11. I will transcribe it here for you to save you the effort:

"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to hurt you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

Finally. Manic BF. Slow the parasympathetic system. Deep through nose, hold, slow release through mouth while holding tongue on palette. Repeat 3 more X. The clock is ticking on the POP. So what? On D-Day the Chinese will not come to your door, kneel you down, put bullet in your head...then bill your family for same said bullet. Like I told Cobra, the D (as well as the M) is just an abstraction.

On D-Day lay on your back in the grass in your Mind's Eye. Focus on the brilliant blue sky. The POP dark clouds will move into frame but keep staring into the blue...they will pass out of frame and be done. You will be the same. She will be the same.

The Earth still revolves and tomorrow is a new day.

-Stigmata-

The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge;
the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.

-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-

...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ

-Stigmata-