LFL, Of course TRUCE thats it? hmm ok. Your welcome.
Journaling, thoughts run amuck
1) Figure out why you played relational leap frog with your wife and fix it in YOU
I have been ruminating on this and HP's stuff for months.
WHY did you allow OM into your home? Have you asked yourself this question? Could it be that YOU were testing HER?
it was not plotted and planned, but I dont doubt that it was a test. the question is why. Did I suspect in my subconcious that she was this way? Her brother was after we got married, some studies linking family heritage to it. Is this a good thing that I found out before having kids, which we were on the cusp of? or did I just test her to failure, as I constantly test myself. Push, push and when you go to far push somemore.
Currently I am acting almost manic. I work brutal hard 6-2:30, go to gym, post here, go to bar work/and post here 9-2. post here getting home. Friday there was an altercation. I got in it as my wont is to do. Why I am 33, not a doormen. BTDT. Then go to dojo on monday to tune back up after being out of it for years. Its like some MLC almost. (nop was right about number 4 too, of course. Ill stick to casual R's, but not gonna last another 2 weeks in other ways.) I dont 'need' any of it, yet here I go down that road to what end. So I am in need of it in some way. At the expense of my real work? This is my lifes problem. ignoring well being because of confidance. free climbing accident, rebreather accident, always pushing the envelope, and having situations arise that are from my own doing. I knew the cliff was decomposing granite. I modified my rebreather and then went outside the boundaries of partial pressures vs workload and O2 comsumtion, that I had calculated and instituted. My marriage I had confidance in myself/us instead of applying well-being to avoid sad tired story of best friend switch.
But I know I will be ok.... and there it is. Two sides to inner self, confidance and well-being. I have confidance up the yinyang, never doubt that I will succeed, or that I can recover from failure, loss, accident, anything. masculine energy, My well being is bereft however. feminine energy.
so the answer to NOPs question is not a simple --do not let other man live with me. My subconscious will just circumvent it in another way if I do not find a way to take my confidance down to a level that is not egotistical. Like LFL said. not because the women will test me, but because I will 'break her'. Must increase my well-being to a healthy level that I can go into another R with a W and be able to provide her with the need for security, and protection.
soo how to do that?
shortterm easy 1 stop tending bar, except fri, sat ok sat. 2 dont do doormens job except in need of assistance. Not necessary to be first up. I have nothing to prove to myself, anymore. stop it. 3 implement schedule that includes 9 hours sleep. do not deviate from. 4 D is major major failure in life, self caused. own it. feel it. stop detaching via GAL. remember for future, keep carry on baggage. Feel the pain. Remember beautiful girl you ruined.
does this mean she wasnt right for me, and she failed because of that, or did I ask for too much.
her morals are very very high considering they were not consciously internalized. I fear not finding that again. I am absolutely convinced the D is a huge mistake, we have crashing insecurities, her about rejection and me about value. Her addiction to OM was very slight after 4 months, I could see his attraction mistakes clear as a bell. It made me snicker. He didnt pay attention in class. plus he started acting like himself instead of me. She was completely FEmale. She had some personality quirks 'red flags'in the beginning, tests that she put me thru, but they went almost completely away after 2nd year. Besides everyone does. Look at mine. hers came out with a VENGENANCE during A. Like they had been hiding and building up little testing buddies for years. I stopped acting male, and she attached to --forced presence --of strong biologically attractive male. duh.Why didnt she say so. I was just waiting for the signal. If I had pre-empted it would have caused withdrawals anyways. But there would not have been any declarations. she is highly susceptible to chemicals. PEA wiped her out when she met me, I was aware of it, tried to step it down. expected her to control that? I always monitored her chemical intakes.(I clinically dabbled in the past andrew shulgin is a hero?, amazing chemist at any rate.) I believe now that shame keeps her from making stronger overtures. PA with OM killed it. Thought it would, but believe I may be to male to 'let it go'. vented on her because of EA, though I know the drill, how could I deal with PA for next 40 years.
insecurities.... Im just a uneducated blue collar simple kinda guy
where the heck did this come from. Could be considered denigrating, or arrogant. Not intentions It was said depreciatingly, not attractive. I am satisfied with my work right now. Dont love it. Do I care that I dont have a masters or a PHD?
Do I need a job that requires one to be happy?
could easily Go back to school now. It would be a step towards well-being. Cant go back to being scuba instructor job I love money is fine, but best store is owned by philandering azzhole. Currently cant stomach philandering fri../associates. Used to be indifferent, non judgemental, now there noxious, toxic karmic energy blechs me. Try to keep judgements toned down. It takes three. Dont want to open up own store to much responsibility. I dont want to be a king. again lacking well-being. Warrior yes, magician yes occasionally, poet mmmm when PEA hits hard to avoid, king blech never.
baby step it. goals behavior changes.
at least I have finally had the A-HA. I now know I dont have well being. Know women need it. thus I will develop some insecurity, some where some how to crash into her lack of confidance. I am very male, I will end up with someone very female, my lack of well being will hit her lack of confidanace.
Now-- can I fix me. or have I just internalized/verbalized the eternal struggle in a new way. Im so tired. Never let OM close to me/mine again. Not jealous, protective.
