another thread another opportunity another insight

[Stigmata]

I let x go alone to another city to help OM find an apt. every weekend. It also didn't help that I trusted to a fault. She began violating my boundaries and I didn't put a stop to it for fear of looking insecure and losing her. I became weakened and my subsequent tight leash paranoia inability-to-process-A reactions exacerbated this weakness

Well you get it, Fear led you to doing the exact wrong thing. Becoming major wussyman.
--Guilty as charged. I still cannot believe how much power I willingly gave away. x's F friends fed my errant ego, ie, "a real keeper" and I duped myself. I gave up my ID in favor of catering to x's. A spineless "yes-dear." x seeking/perhaps has found stronger male via business networking is gut feeling.
the question is do you want to do anything about it, and can you control yourself, fear, insecurity, leaning psycologically,(if I put an [H] in that word one more time I am going to rip my finger off....need to go type psych 1000 times....) and with body language,(no leaning) as-if OM, enforce boundaries without hesitation,showing displeasure and disapproval without emotion i.e. anger, and be cocky sincere, and humorously macho. Lots of humorously macho....
--I feel like I'd been standing in front of a swanky club and the door man took one look and tossed me to the curb. OM strolled right in with swagger. Wake up call to return myself to "stroll right in" M at beginning of R. Need to be OM if new R is to begin...which is long way off IMO. Reaching 40 days/40 nights apart/LRT and it seems like 40 months already. Not sure I can Ark myself against the Deluge of DB E rollercoaster.

At least I now know what I need to do even if I end up in new R with another F. Humorously macho. Humorously macho. Yes. Fs want to feel good/laugh. Endorphin release. Macho kicks in Fs' innate virility search.
Those are the questions. I gave it whirl, messed it up (maybe) with road to intimacy potholes, maybe found out there wasnt true remorse.... Is your WAS 2 times with same OM also? I look (almost) at everyone of my failures as really a opportunity to see how much x cared for me. I know how I overlooked her 'failures'.
--Also not sure of true remorse. I completely botched response vis-a-vie consequences. Stayed. Yelled. Raged. Berated. Then ML intensely. Had to leave. Should have left. Go dark. Make her feel my cutting her out of my life. Argh. Again, afraid she would just run off to OM. Where was my self-respect? Milquetoast.

OM. Not sure if he's back. At this point, there may be multiple OMs over years? My R gyroscope is spinning wildly at this point. x is secretive type. Locks down her comp. with multiple passwords. Mine wide open.

--But the A with OM was same exact age as your x= 27. Not sure with Fs, but most males, almost to the year, become schizophrenic at age 28. Not to say xs are schizo. Just wondering about that age and brain chemistry.
When you get around her, phone or in person those chemicals make it hard to lean back. If you are doing this out of neediness you wont be able to. Think about what your reasons are for it. Your internal reasons will show thru every time. If it is to assuage your ego, forget it, let her go. If it is to test out your new found knowledge, forget it let her go. If you think you cant find another, forget it let her go.
--No person-person contact. 1 instigated phone call about her health, which was returned. Still very dim/dark. Only respond when x initiates. Now noticing she is further detaching maybe.

Ego assuage: partially, yes. Not good.
Test: partially. Not good.
Finding another: Know I can. So far off scope though as my GAL needs major, major overhaul which only comes with time. If x moves on with new R quickly (wouldn't surprise me), cutting losses.
I loved my x, I am gonna stand here like the crag I am and find out if she loves me. I am waiting to see desire, remorse, and change. Right up untill I get my POP. If I have value it will overcome female initiation reluctance. If I dont.... I dont. I will do the 'right thing', but I wont be addicted to my struggle.
--Good 4 U. "Loved", not "love"? If past tense, let her go. I'm still in present tense but it is starting to dim while past tense brightens. That's my biggest problem with DBing. Perilously close to "passive pining." I won't allow self to do that. Life dishes out enough pain. I don't need to take knife and cut arms beneath the dinner table to feel more.
making my Stigmata wounds open up and bleed for real this time
not useful if you want to go get her. In sales there is a idea called Speed of Implementation. The most succesful people are able to take a new idea and immediately put it too use. Most people want to mull and chew and tentatively put a toe in the water. Sticking a knife in the wound to explore the pain is not helpful.
--Yes, good point. However, there is also the #1 cardinal rule of sales: Love/Believe in Your Product/what you are selling. I don't know if I believe in the Product (new R) anymore--thus, my waffling.
GAL. NOW. GAL is highly important to attraction anyways. Flex some figurative muscle and make some explorations out of your Intro. flex some real muscle too.
--GAL is key to my plight. Am considering Vitamin P but I am leary of psychotropics and big pharma studies. Afraid of losing embracing highs and lows. SJWort seemed to take edge off though.

BTW, drinking. I only had 2 beers other night when I thought I wanted more. Didn't. Old defense mechanism that doesn't work anymore it seems. Realized drinking alone to stupor is counterproductive to GALing, which must take top priority ASAP.

--Lost 25 lbs of muscle during R and 2 jacket sizes. Stopped the free weight routine. Girly man now. Need to climb the mountain again. Stress over WA/LB however has wiped out any BMI/body fat concerns, though. Still metabolizing at 20-something pace.


(nice tie-in eh?) yes but if you point it out I cant....
--See Chrome? Could have been deprecatory. Chose self-congratulatory arrogance instead. Mmmmm...atraaaactive.
oh yeah I am not sure how I feel about your dissembling of my comments.... I like it when you further detail and expound for the benefit of the men, I get busy/lazy and dont always give reasons, but on my subtle pokes....mmm not so sure.
--Yes. I agree. Getting little weary of dissembling the little stuff. Holding magnifying glass over others seems ridiculous esp. since I am a complete R mess.

Ibiza is in Spain so I didnt miss the latinos, and my x was Pacific Islander, (talk about a passionate FOO ... whew) often mistaken for Asian, I used to call her my 'Ornamental' when she got dressed up, LMAO....

--Ah, now you're making me wish I were Fletcher Christian. Shame on you for that. [looking around...holding torch to "The Bounty"]

. you missed the primary poke anyways, maybe on purpose, Good. I was pretty pleased with that one it encompassed about 4 references. Thanks for defending my depth, though it assumes I care what women think.......stop trying to wussify me.
--Yes, wussified myself plenty already; don't need to turn the "player" into the "played." LOL.
Caring what others thought (women) is why I am writing on R disaster message boards instead of romancing my WA x.

-Stigmata-