Thanks for your concerns Hope, Joa and those of you reading. Hope, Joa has a good idea about the pink phone with the sparkles. My friend going through a divorce actually got a pink phone just like this. That is funny that Joa mentioned that. She is right!
I am actually doing good regarding ex. I have accepted that I won't be able to talk to him in the evenings and am OK each night that I go to bed with no phone call. I miss him, but know in my heart that I am doing the right thing. It is funny because in the past when I tried to just cut off ex, it never felt right. Now the time is right--I just know it.
During our last conversation, ex had briefly mentioned that he wanted to send me an email. I responded with I'll send him one too but it may take awhile because I am busy. I am positive that I told him it may take awhile because I am busy. He still hasn't emailed me and then I started to worry maybe he is waiting for me to email him first. I was going to email him first and now I realize that I shouldn't. First, I don't want communication to go back to what it was. Second, ex needs to reach out to me first this time. I bet he is just testing me too. Also, he could simply be too busy to have time to email. It will be good for him to email once some time has passed also. I made my decision--I will not email him until he emails me first. This codependency stuff will play tricks with your mind if you aren't prepared.
Personally, I have not been doing what I have planned. I planned to get started on a strict diet and work-out schedule. I haven't done zilch. I can't seem to get motivated. I do just enough on my to-do list to get by each day and this is not good. I have got to make the most of this time period and get busy!!!!!!
Ex just sent me a heart-wrenching letter. He sent it last night, and I got it this morning. I almost hate to even post here because this stuff is so personal, and I am just sticking it out here on the internet for the whole world to read. Maybe it can do some good for someone though.
Last night would have only been day five of not speaking. In the letter, he tells me not to respond by email or phone. However, throughout the letter it is like he is begging for a sign that I still love him. He says I am better off without him. He says that he can't even stand looking at himself because he destroyed my life. He goes into a long, sad explanation of this. He is exactly where I was two years ago--on my knees. He talks about God a lot in the letter. He talks about getting sober, but he also talks about even if he is sober he has already ruined his life. I thought exactly like this. You realize that you have destroyed your own life because of the drugs, but now you just want to do whatever it takes to save your soul. He talks about this kind of stuff too. He has a lot of anger towards his family. Why I know, but then again I don't know. I was like this too. I blamed my family for why I became what I became. He will work through this eventually. I know he isn't sober yet because he mentioned a function coming up soon, and I know he will have to wait until that is finished. It was really, really sad. I have been crying all morning. He tells me to not email which I agree. It is clear to him that our codependency keeps both of us locked in a bad cycle. It not the exact words, he likes that I have detached but seems to be asking for some sort of response.
Should I just send something though. Maybe just a card in the mail and not an email. Just something.......Sometimes I fear he could kill himself. I think not responding when someone says what he says can seem cruel even though I have never been cruel to him in any way.
What do you think? My therapist can't see me until next Tuesday. I can't afford her anyways. I can't believe she can't see me for a whole week! By the time next week comes this situation will be gone. I don't have a whole week to wait. The drug situation makes things so difficult. I could go to a meeting and ask someone. Maybe that's what I will do. They will call it codependency though and tell me to not respond. They are right, but at the same time he is a human being. What do I do?
I wish I had something to say other than I'm sorry. I can understand how you would reach out to someone you love, especially if concerned about their welfare.
I think maybe a "thinking of you" type card wishing him well and letting him know you want the best for him wouldn't be entirely inappropriate. But drug addiction, the remorse, the self-loathing, isn't something I understand. You'll hopefully find the words that offer support and understanding without making it harder for him to take the steps he needs to make.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
It must be really hard to see your loved one suffer like this. I think you can just send him a card - that's different from having a regular communication through phone and emails.
This sort of reminds me of my STBX - till he dropped the bomb, he was always begging me not to leave him (because every time I found out that he was using drugs I got mad and threatened that we would get D..., I know, it was not the best approach to handle his addictions, especially if I did not follow through, it was only empty threats and I was enabling him to continue with his addictions). Your xH is not directly asking you to stay with him, but I can feel that he is indirectly asking you not to leave him. My STBXH thinks he has been codependent (he got a book "Codependent No More" and I got one as well), but I thought maybe I became codependent. After all, I was not the one who had addictions.
You keep mentioning that you have been codependent, but does your therapist think the same way about you?
You want the AA point of view - or at least the spiritual point of view. I take it he is still using from the previous posts. 1st of all you can't say a whole lot to him until he quits. He has to want to quit and you telling him to isn't going to be the way it happens.
Most importantly if he quits or if he has stopped using. He needs to really work on his spirituality. If you can't accept that God - at the very least - forgives you for the wrongs that you've done (implying that you've done up to step 7) then you haven't done a good enough steps 1-7. Most likely there is something that he is still holding on to yet. Doint those steps and doing them right will put you well on the way to not feeling so bad about yourself, at least the point where you don't try to drag others into your own pity-party.
So in short my advice is - if you feel you have to talk to him. Tell him that he needs help, but you are not the one that is going to help him. He really needs to have a sponsor (I am willing to wager that he has no sponsor). Both of you being in recovery know the easier softer way that AA or other programs offer and you just need to do them.
Thanks Wes, Hoping and Dan for your advice. I simply sent ex an e-greeting card. It was a "thinking of you sort" of thing.
I am just going to back away from this whole situation for now. I was in a good place until this morning. I am doubting everything and trying to read to much into everything.
Ex is emailing me to keep me on his string. However, if I am still there, he won't get help. It is a sick situation.
Hoping, yes my therapist says I am a codependent without a doubt. She actually has a son who is an alcoholic and is a codependent herself. She knows all about it. She actually calls herself an addict--she's addicted to controlling the people in her life. She is the leader of several support groups involving codependent relationships--things like parents of alcoholics, spouses of addicts and stuff like that.
She says that codependents are manipulative people. There is a part of the codependent that likes to keep the addict an addict so the nonaddict in a relationship can always be the better person. It is the mindset, "You're the addict, you are the one causing all the problems, I never have the luxury of causing problems like you and I'm over here just trying to keep things normal." It is all about having to control people, places and things to make yourself feel better. The codependent actually hates the addiction itself, but can't detach from the person long enough to let the person hit rock bottom. The codependent's happiness is always dependent on the addicts life. If he isn't using then I'm OK, and if he is, he is destroying my life. To get better, they have to break away from their happiness being dependent on another person's actions. The codependency causes them to watch the addict and every move they make which in turn doesn't give the addict enough self-esteem do it on their own. It is a cycle that is hard to stop. Codependents are very controlling and usual have to be "better than" others in all relationships in their life. Yes, I am all these things.
Honestly, addicts couldn't remain addicts without a codependent in there life especially my husband. There are those addicts out there that will just go off and use until they die. It depends on the person and also how far the addiction has progressed. That is what makes detaching scary, but then again my happiness can't be about him. I have to accept that he might die. Also, if I don't detach, he will for sure die.
Even though ex has become so reclusive, he is a very social person. He can't stand being alone. When he realizes how alone he is, he will have to get better. Everyone is so sick of him. I am the one person he would miss seeing. He hates everyone else. I am the ONLY person making it comfortable for him to use.
I think I am going to call my therapist and tell her I will be seeing her on Tuesday. I haven't seen her for awhile. She will be so proud of me. I probably need to go to Alanon meetings too.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I am going to back away from these boards for awhile too. Talk to you soon.....Sam
Sam Hi it's joa and you sent me a emai; book and now for some reason I can't find it on my home mail. Can you send it again thanks baringerj@sbcglobal.net
I will send it again, but it can't be anytime soon. My email from home isn't working. When I am at another computer which should be in a day or two, I will do it. Just want you to know that I am not ignoring you.
