Thanks Wes, Hoping and Dan for your advice. I simply sent ex an e-greeting card. It was a "thinking of you sort" of thing.
I am just going to back away from this whole situation for now. I was in a good place until this morning. I am doubting everything and trying to read to much into everything.
Ex is emailing me to keep me on his string. However, if I am still there, he won't get help. It is a sick situation.
Hoping, yes my therapist says I am a codependent without a doubt. She actually has a son who is an alcoholic and is a codependent herself. She knows all about it. She actually calls herself an addict--she's addicted to controlling the people in her life. She is the leader of several support groups involving codependent relationships--things like parents of alcoholics, spouses of addicts and stuff like that.
She says that codependents are manipulative people. There is a part of the codependent that likes to keep the addict an addict so the nonaddict in a relationship can always be the better person. It is the mindset, "You're the addict, you are the one causing all the problems, I never have the luxury of causing problems like you and I'm over here just trying to keep things normal." It is all about having to control people, places and things to make yourself feel better. The codependent actually hates the addiction itself, but can't detach from the person long enough to let the person hit rock bottom. The codependent's happiness is always dependent on the addicts life. If he isn't using then I'm OK, and if he is, he is destroying my life. To get better, they have to break away from their happiness being dependent on another person's actions. The codependency causes them to watch the addict and every move they make which in turn doesn't give the addict enough self-esteem do it on their own. It is a cycle that is hard to stop. Codependents are very controlling and usual have to be "better than" others in all relationships in their life. Yes, I am all these things.
Honestly, addicts couldn't remain addicts without a codependent in there life especially my husband. There are those addicts out there that will just go off and use until they die. It depends on the person and also how far the addiction has progressed. That is what makes detaching scary, but then again my happiness can't be about him. I have to accept that he might die. Also, if I don't detach, he will for sure die.
Even though ex has become so reclusive, he is a very social person. He can't stand being alone. When he realizes how alone he is, he will have to get better. Everyone is so sick of him. I am the one person he would miss seeing. He hates everyone else. I am the ONLY person making it comfortable for him to use.
I think I am going to call my therapist and tell her I will be seeing her on Tuesday. I haven't seen her for awhile. She will be so proud of me. I probably need to go to Alanon meetings too.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I am going to back away from these boards for awhile too. Talk to you soon.....Sam
