Ex just sent me a heart-wrenching letter. He sent it last night, and I got it this morning. I almost hate to even post here because this stuff is so personal, and I am just sticking it out here on the internet for the whole world to read. Maybe it can do some good for someone though.
Last night would have only been day five of not speaking. In the letter, he tells me not to respond by email or phone. However, throughout the letter it is like he is begging for a sign that I still love him. He says I am better off without him. He says that he can't even stand looking at himself because he destroyed my life. He goes into a long, sad explanation of this. He is exactly where I was two years ago--on my knees. He talks about God a lot in the letter. He talks about getting sober, but he also talks about even if he is sober he has already ruined his life. I thought exactly like this. You realize that you have destroyed your own life because of the drugs, but now you just want to do whatever it takes to save your soul. He talks about this kind of stuff too. He has a lot of anger towards his family. Why I know, but then again I don't know. I was like this too. I blamed my family for why I became what I became. He will work through this eventually. I know he isn't sober yet because he mentioned a function coming up soon, and I know he will have to wait until that is finished. It was really, really sad. I have been crying all morning. He tells me to not email which I agree. It is clear to him that our codependency keeps both of us locked in a bad cycle. It not the exact words, he likes that I have detached but seems to be asking for some sort of response.
Should I just send something though. Maybe just a card in the mail and not an email. Just something.......Sometimes I fear he could kill himself. I think not responding when someone says what he says can seem cruel even though I have never been cruel to him in any way.
What do you think? My therapist can't see me until next Tuesday. I can't afford her anyways. I can't believe she can't see me for a whole week! By the time next week comes this situation will be gone. I don't have a whole week to wait. The drug situation makes things so difficult. I could go to a meeting and ask someone. Maybe that's what I will do. They will call it codependency though and tell me to not respond. They are right, but at the same time he is a human being. What do I do?
