Quote: I see that many have moved on to Surviving such as Greekgodess and Gabriel and JDD too. I also see that things with Just-me changed practically overnight.
Tho there are similarities, each path is unique. Stay your course, mainly by caring very well for yourself - body, mind, spirit - and you'll be okay. There are so many folks who fall by the wayside, taking various easier roads, Sam. Only you will know which direction is true for your life story.
You know sometimes I wonder if I need antidepressants. I have no desire whatsoever for another man in my life.
I am even at a point where it would be really easy to shut ex out of my life. What would I miss--a nightly phonecall. It isn't like I don't want to date because I would simply miss ex.
I am actually starting to put together a letter for him telling him I think we should part for now. I think he is actually expecting it. Do you think this is a bad idea? I think some sort of closure is necessary or should I just act distant over time. My goal is to someday reconcile if it is possible but right now things are not going anywhere.
The other thing is that I don't get upset at all at the thought of not having ex in my life. I could take him or leave him. This brings me back to the fact that I have absolutely no desire for another man in my life. I can actually see myself single for the rest of my life and just simply adopting a child from China or here in the US from the foster care system. I actually daydream about this often. If fact, I have thought about it so much that even if ex and I do get back together, I still want to adopt. This is so different from the way I used to think. I wanted the perfect looking family that looked just like me and ex. The things that are important to me today are so different from the past. Maybe I am in a panic about being in my 30's, single and childless and am just trying accept that adopting may be the only way I will be able to have kids.
However, I can't get around the fact that I want no other man in my life. I don't even have the desire. How do you even meet someone? It all seems so scary. I went to the online dating website and punched in the women in my area to see the competition--yuck. I do not want to be grouped with them.
Just rambling and thinking. Should I send ex a letter? He is going to be sending me a Valentines gift which means I should probably send him one also, but it seems so forced from my side. Maybe I'll send him a gift with the letter. Am I taking things too far. Any advice?
Good to see you're back inn the neighborhood. I may be heading to Surviving next. It seems like we're dropping like flies. Although, there appears to be a new freshman class on this forum and I hope nothing but the best for them.
Quote: I went to the online dating website and punched in the women in my area to see the competition--yuck. I do not want to be grouped with them.
You are a diamond among coal, Sam. Hold onto that belief. Online dating is just a tool, not the tool.
Besides you don't need a man or a M or an R. You've proven that over the years when dealing with your H. Those things'd just be nice to have, right? In my sitch, my lack of desire was a message to myself that I wasn't ready. It also was a product of my lack of "neediness" that came about once I learned how to truly feed myself.
IMHO, taking the adult route is best. An in-person convo explaining the need to break up. Not softened with a "for now" cause that leaves you trapped in his addiction-created limbo, but a clean break, if that's what you decide to do.
I am ready to do this guys. I reread a lot of my old posts last night and learned so much. I am amazed at how far I have come, but at the same time, I can see that I have also made little to no progress. Ex and I get along so much better than we used to, and I know without a doubt that there is a lot of love between us. However, I also saw myself repeat the same mistakes over and over again even though I don't regret a single one of them. I saw that several times I tried to cut ex off because he continues to use, but in a few weeks and even days I will talk to him again.
My best friend has a bad fear of commitment which I think is weird since she is a women. I actually feel sorry for her boyfriend. She told me that she doesn't want kids and doesn't want to get married, and she told her boyfriend this also. About six months ago she broke up with him but their communication continued. Over Christmas she broke up with him again--I never knew they had gotton back together. I actually think the guy didn't believe they had broken-up. She tells me about the pathetic things he does since they split, and I am thinking, eeeeeewwwww........ I realize that he sounds just like me. He sounds like such a pathetic, wimp. My friend is so mean to him, and I tell her this all the time. The thing is that she is the sweetest and kindest person in the world but together they create this awful relationship.
She wants him in her life for companionship, yet she doesn't want to give anything in return. I use her to figure out ex. She doesn't know about ex's addiction problems and she is nothing like ex, but I see similarities in her and ex. She tells me that her boyfriend will start to talk about kids and marriage to her, and when he does this she won't call or answer calls from him for days. She says that when about a week passes she gets lonely, calls him and then pulls him back into the same cycle again. She told me she isn't going to help me anymore with ex because I use her advice to torture him. Again, she doesn't realize he has addiction problems.
I gave ex a heads-up on how I want to stop communication this Thursday. On Friday, he called me at 9:30 pm which was funny because that is way too early for him. Shoot his day is just getting started then. Ex usually calls me past 11:00 pm because of his drug lifestyle. The latenight calls make me angry--I think it is so disrespectful. Anyway, I remembered what my friend told me about calling her ex to pull him back in and I didn't bite when ex called. He-he. I am aware of his games.
My counselor told me two things that stick in my head. First she said when you do something loving for an addict it has the opposite effect of when you do something loving for a healthy person.
Second, she told me that ex is my new drug--that was a lightbulb moment. Talking to him each night soothes me for the moment. That is exactly the same cycle I got into when I was addicted to pills. I would think tomorrow I am going to stop taking these pills and get my life back, yet everyday that came, I would continue the cycle. This is exactly what my relationship with ex has become. I know that stopping this codependent relationship is what is needed, yet I get weak and speak to him to get my quick fix.
Therapist told me that I am stopping ex from hitting rock bottom. This could be true, but it may not be. I could walk away from him, and he may continue with his addiction until it kills him. Fear of that kept me around.
Today I am thinking different. I want him sober or I don't want him at all.
You are probably wondering why I am even talking to him. The thing is that my birthday just past, and he sent me a card the following card along with the sweetest gift.
The card said on the outside:
"I wondered if God heard the prayer I whispered....
On the inside it reads:
"then I realized He had, because he led me to you. How thankful I am for the day He brought you into the world."
"I have not stopped giving thanks for you. Ephesians 1:16"
Ex goes on to write about how he is far from perfect but loves me very much.
I was all pumped up to tell him that I can't talk to him and then he sends me that. He is insistant on sending me something for Valentines. I told him that after Valentines that I can't talk to him as long as he is using and no more gift exchanging. He just gets really quiet.
Thanks to my friends advice, I realize that he gives me just enough to keep me under his thumb.
I was so good at recovery. Since I had my lightbulb moment and realized that ex is my new drug, I know I can do this. I have to do this. I am actually excited to do this. I am going to make a clean break, get really, really strong in my own life and pray for ex like crazy. I know in my heart that if he doesn't make it, I did everything possible and God has other plans for him and for me. I am OK with that.
OK, Ex and I had our talk. It was actually very loving.
I told him that I can't continue to talk like this only on the phone and keep things going the way they are. I said that I want to be able to see him in person and see the real him. He refuses to see me for the most part because of the drugs. I have seen him a few times when I happened to be in town in his home area or when he was in town in my home area. However, he has no desire to make plans to just see me. He is too ashamed because of his addiction.
He told that he knows that he is holding me back. I just said if you do get better then great, but if you don't then at least I will be at a place where I can move on with my life. We didn't discuss a time line or even his recovery.
I didn't specifically say, "I can't talk to you unless you are sober." We just both understand that this is what needs to happen before we can even consider reconciliation. I did tell him that I worry about him being so isolated from people. The fact that he owns his own business with only one employee makes things even worse. The codependent in me threw in that there are really good people at meetings and that he needs to reach out to them for help. I also added that he needs to find a therapist. He used to complain to me about the type of people at meetings. He didn't say that tonight. He said, "I know I am just like them and they are no better or no worse than me. We all are just after the same goal."
He told me that the next time he spoke to me he would definitely be sober. Neither of us mentioned when that might be.
For Valentines he sent me a gift and a card. Also in the gift he included a framed picture of us with ...always love....love always...... written all over the frame. He told me over the phone that he wanted me to have that so my nephew would know who his uncle was. My nephew hasn't seen him since he was a year old so my nephew really doesn't know him. My nephew actually does know who he is because of pictures and because he talks to him on the phone quite often. It is so funny. My nephew is 3 1/2. He thinks he is big stuff when he talks to people on the phone. He will talk to him walking around with the portable to his head thinking he is big stuff having some man-to-man conversation. It is so cute.
Ex also included a card a very loving and touching card saying I am and always will be the only love in his life.
Ex knew this was coming, and I can tell he is proud of me and appreciates what I am doing. He knows that things the way they are aren't good for either of us.
I am actually not too sad. I think only good can come out of this no matter what ends up happening.....Sam
I just woke up this morning, and I am really sad. I am going to miss talking to him each night. He is my best friend. I hope he is feeling as sad and as I am, but sad in a way that empowers him to do what is needed so he won't lose me. This is going to suck!!!
Hi Sam, I know how you feel - your head tells you that you are doing the right thing but your heart is hurting.
I got an email from STBXH today saying that he just cannot simply afford our cell phone (we always split the costs), so he would cancel the plan, and I need to get a new plan on my own. I needed to do that anyway, but felt sad hearing it from him. He is really moving forward and is getting rid of everything we once shared.
Try and do something fun for you you deserve it and try not to wonder about the what-ifs it may be that you feel he is moving on doing what he wants but you are the only one stopping you from doing the same have a good time and see how you feel he will notice the changes and become interested. I hope that helps Joa.
