I am ready to do this guys. I reread a lot of my old posts last night and learned so much. I am amazed at how far I have come, but at the same time, I can see that I have also made little to no progress. Ex and I get along so much better than we used to, and I know without a doubt that there is a lot of love between us. However, I also saw myself repeat the same mistakes over and over again even though I don't regret a single one of them. I saw that several times I tried to cut ex off because he continues to use, but in a few weeks and even days I will talk to him again.
My best friend has a bad fear of commitment which I think is weird since she is a women. I actually feel sorry for her boyfriend. She told me that she doesn't want kids and doesn't want to get married, and she told her boyfriend this also. About six months ago she broke up with him but their communication continued. Over Christmas she broke up with him again--I never knew they had gotton back together. I actually think the guy didn't believe they had broken-up. She tells me about the pathetic things he does since they split, and I am thinking, eeeeeewwwww........ I realize that he sounds just like me. He sounds like such a pathetic, wimp. My friend is so mean to him, and I tell her this all the time. The thing is that she is the sweetest and kindest person in the world but together they create this awful relationship.
She wants him in her life for companionship, yet she doesn't want to give anything in return. I use her to figure out ex. She doesn't know about ex's addiction problems and she is nothing like ex, but I see similarities in her and ex. She tells me that her boyfriend will start to talk about kids and marriage to her, and when he does this she won't call or answer calls from him for days. She says that when about a week passes she gets lonely, calls him and then pulls him back into the same cycle again. She told me she isn't going to help me anymore with ex because I use her advice to torture him. Again, she doesn't realize he has addiction problems.
I gave ex a heads-up on how I want to stop communication this Thursday. On Friday, he called me at 9:30 pm which was funny because that is way too early for him. Shoot his day is just getting started then. Ex usually calls me past 11:00 pm because of his drug lifestyle. The latenight calls make me angry--I think it is so disrespectful. Anyway, I remembered what my friend told me about calling her ex to pull him back in and I didn't bite when ex called. He-he. I am aware of his games.
My counselor told me two things that stick in my head. First she said when you do something loving for an addict it has the opposite effect of when you do something loving for a healthy person.
Second, she told me that ex is my new drug--that was a lightbulb moment. Talking to him each night soothes me for the moment. That is exactly the same cycle I got into when I was addicted to pills. I would think tomorrow I am going to stop taking these pills and get my life back, yet everyday that came, I would continue the cycle. This is exactly what my relationship with ex has become. I know that stopping this codependent relationship is what is needed, yet I get weak and speak to him to get my quick fix.
Therapist told me that I am stopping ex from hitting rock bottom. This could be true, but it may not be. I could walk away from him, and he may continue with his addiction until it kills him. Fear of that kept me around.
Today I am thinking different. I want him sober or I don't want him at all.
You are probably wondering why I am even talking to him. The thing is that my birthday just past, and he sent me a card the following card along with the sweetest gift.
The card said on the outside:
"I wondered if God heard the prayer I whispered....
On the inside it reads:
"then I realized He had, because he led me to you. How thankful I am for the day He brought you into the world."
"I have not stopped giving thanks for you. Ephesians 1:16"
Ex goes on to write about how he is far from perfect but loves me very much.
I was all pumped up to tell him that I can't talk to him and then he sends me that. He is insistant on sending me something for Valentines. I told him that after Valentines that I can't talk to him as long as he is using and no more gift exchanging. He just gets really quiet.
Thanks to my friends advice, I realize that he gives me just enough to keep me under his thumb.
I was so good at recovery. Since I had my lightbulb moment and realized that ex is my new drug, I know I can do this. I have to do this. I am actually excited to do this. I am going to make a clean break, get really, really strong in my own life and pray for ex like crazy. I know in my heart that if he doesn't make it, I did everything possible and God has other plans for him and for me. I am OK with that.
