You know sometimes I wonder if I need antidepressants. I have no desire whatsoever for another man in my life.
I am even at a point where it would be really easy to shut ex out of my life. What would I miss--a nightly phonecall. It isn't like I don't want to date because I would simply miss ex.
I am actually starting to put together a letter for him telling him I think we should part for now. I think he is actually expecting it. Do you think this is a bad idea? I think some sort of closure is necessary or should I just act distant over time. My goal is to someday reconcile if it is possible but right now things are not going anywhere.
The other thing is that I don't get upset at all at the thought of not having ex in my life. I could take him or leave him. This brings me back to the fact that I have absolutely no desire for another man in my life. I can actually see myself single for the rest of my life and just simply adopting a child from China or here in the US from the foster care system. I actually daydream about this often. If fact, I have thought about it so much that even if ex and I do get back together, I still want to adopt. This is so different from the way I used to think. I wanted the perfect looking family that looked just like me and ex. The things that are important to me today are so different from the past. Maybe I am in a panic about being in my 30's, single and childless and am just trying accept that adopting may be the only way I will be able to have kids.
However, I can't get around the fact that I want no other man in my life. I don't even have the desire. How do you even meet someone? It all seems so scary. I went to the online dating website and punched in the women in my area to see the competition--yuck. I do not want to be grouped with them.
Just rambling and thinking. Should I send ex a letter? He is going to be sending me a Valentines gift which means I should probably send him one also, but it seems so forced from my side. Maybe I'll send him a gift with the letter. Am I taking things too far. Any advice?
