It's me Sam. I decided to start a new thread. My computer has been acting weird again and the only way I could log on was with a new account name. After I log on, I can't get very far without the computer forgetting who I am. I think it has something to do with "cookies". It is frustrating!
Thanks for posting JDD. I haven't posted because I have been pretty busy and there really hasn't been much to report. I have been busy with my new job, decorating my new place and moving forward with my life. I still talk to ex daily and things seem to be more at peace. The only thing stopping us his addiction.
I am at the point where I am going on with my life and if I happen to meet someone, I won't let ex hold me back. I know he can do this, but I just hope he does it in a reasonable amount of time.
I bought a few new pieces of furniture, and I told ex how much I spent. We are both pretty frugal, and it just kills me to spend large sums of money. I always get a little panicked when I do spend money like that. However, I am really excited right now. I told ex hoping he would say that I am just being cheap and that I didn't seem to spend too much. I forgot that he is just as frugal. He seemed to get a little stressed. I took this as a positive because he sees me spending my money as me spending our money.
He was not all that cheerful when I called and then when I told him what I had spent his sullen mood continued. I then emailed him pictures of what I had bought. He got very excited after that and the rest of the conversation was great.
He really liked what I had bought and then started discussing how they will look neat in our home together. He started to say yeah, we can use that piece in one of the spare bedrooms and that one in the breakfast area. I couldn't send him a picture of one of the pieces of furniture that I bought because I couldn't find it on the internet. It was really late, and we said our goodbyes. He ended it with, if you happen to find a picture of that other piece of furniture, call me back tonight because I would like to see it. He seemed really excited about doing all the home stuff with me again. I think one of the things he enjoyed about being married was having a woman around to decorate things and do homemaking sorts of things. We used to have a lot of parties for our family and friends, and he just loved that. He mentioned how it was like pulling teeth to get his family and friends to come and see his new home. He then went on about how the people who lived in his house before him used to have get togethers all the time. It was a really good conversation.
We will be seeing each other next weekend. Ex is coming into town for a business meeting. We will meet for dinner and go from there. I'll keep you all posted, but it won't be until the middle of Thanksgiving week. Take care.
Quote: I am at the point where I am going on with my life and if I happen to meet someone, I won't let ex hold me back. I know he can do this, but I just hope he does it in a reasonable amount of time.
You are in a good place, Sam!
I'm glad to see you doing better. The new place and furniture seem to be helping your PMA, and are likely introducing new interest from him.
I was in town on business two hours from ex. Ex drove down to see me. We had dinner, spent the night together (no sex), and he watched Sunday football while I prepared for my week ahead. It was so nice to see him and like old times. The no sex thing kind of got to me, and he explained that it wasn't me. He said because of the drugs he has no self-esteem, no sex drive and feels physically sick all of the time.
Conversations between us are good. From snooping, I saw that he even made a phone call to the Bed & Brealfast that we went to on our honeymoon and then once a year after our wedding. No mention of a trip yet though. Also, from snooping I know he lives a lonely and depressed existance.
He briefly mentioned his plans for rehab at the first of the year--I am optimistic but not putting all my eggs in that basket. I keep praying for him.
We have had a few arguements, and he was the one to apologize each time. I am shocked by this because it is so unlike him even when things were smooth in the marriage.
The other night we got into a bigger arguement. We discussed last night that we need marriage counseling so we could learn how to communicate.
The problem is that if I am upset for any reason at all and discuss it with him, he internalizes it. This leads to him getting really frustrated and angry, and I am eventually in tears. He thinks it is his duty to keep me happy at all times. I can actually create this situation at times. Lets say night one I am upset about work, and he may be very supportive. The next night I bring it up again and his frustration will start grow. I will keep pushing and pushing the subject each night until it is a blow-out fight. A lot of times, the frustration is there the very minute I am upset. It is annoying because he is whiney most days (from his addiction), and I am 99% of the time supportive.
I added that I have always (before we were even married and long before the drugs) felt that I am not good enough for him, and I think it is because of the way he responds when I get upset. I feel that I have to act happy all the time. In a way I think I created our divorce out of my fear of him eventually realizing I am not what I pretend to be.
We spoke about how we push each others hot buttons so well, and it is so hard for us to support each other at times. Ex emotionally added that I am the only one he can truly count on in life. We both felt exasperated. I explained that I just want him to listen and not solve my problems.
I also added that is one reason the drug abuse started in the first place. When the drug use was recreational, if I got upset he would say here take this and give me a vicoden and a glass of water. It was very nice. It was like he was the magic fairy and made all my problems instantly dissappear. We got into this weird ritual of him bringing me pills and a glass of water whenever I got upset. It was like I made him my god and he felt like my god--so weird.
The conversation ended with him explaining that for now I need to find other ways to deal with my problems while he trys to overcome his addiction. After that we can work on the marriage. He watches "Intervention" daily on A & E. He says he needs to brainwash himself as much as possible.
He has given me all the passcodes associated with the business because he needed my help on things. Even when we got into our last arguement and didn't speak for a few days, he did not change the passcodes. He trusts me fully, and that is a positive change.
All I have to update for now.
Me personally: I love my new job, my new friends and my new place looks great. I am still waiting to be accepted into school--I sure hope I am! I catch myself noticing other men and wondering what it would be like to date. I continue to believe that I will never be able to love anyone like I love ex. We have so much history, and it is so hard to let that go.
MC is a good idea, but is he personally ready yet? (clean?)
I'm stealing Wllwwlk's thunder here, but try reading Mars/Venus together. This sounds like typical guy/girl stuff, with him slipping into 'Mr. Fixit' mode when you just need to vent and his frustration building b/c he can't 'fix' your work sitch or past bad day. IMHO, this would help him to see how he can better support you.
Looks I didn't post on this thread which is my lastest thread so I'll say the same thing again right here.
Hi all,
I know I haven't posted in ages. Just felt there wasn't too much to post. The new year has made me do a lot of thinking and put things at a breaking point for me. Yes, I know ex regrets the divorce, yes, I know ex wishes we were still married, yes, I know ex loves me alot, but even with all this, it isn't enough. His addiction is the only thing that fuels him these days--I have to put down boundaries or I will piss my life away praying things will change. I haven't given up hope--I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. However, I am at a point where doing things like I used to do them feels very wrong. Today, acting aloof towards ex and starting to look at other options feels very right. It is so easy to go dark these days and it actually feels good to do so. I don't worry if going dark is the wrong thing to do anymore because ex's life has really very little to do with my actions. That is something new, and I am actually grateful that I can look back on the time that I did have with ex and smile. I am grateful that I had him in my life the amount of time that I did, yet I also realize that my life with him in it may have to come to an end. He still calls and tells me that we will be together soon--as soon as he has the free time to detox and enter treatment. I don't say much back to him, and he seems more depressed than in a panic that he might lose me. It is like he has given up hope on his own life. It is time for me to back far, far away and let him figure out things on his own. I should have probably done it a long time ago but I just wasn't ready to take that leap.
I see that many have moved on to Surviving such as Greekgodess and Gabriel and JDD too. I also see that things with Just-me changed practically overnight. Hope everyone is doing well. Take care, Sam
Sounds like you're doing great! My only suggestion is to go further with the detachment, and to truly shed the guilt about selfcare and forward movement. Don't let his staying stagnant hold you back, Hon. He will either do it on his own or not.
For example, celebrate the improvements to your home - furniture and otherwise, without a thought about whether he approves or not. He has chosen to not have a say, and he has not earned a part in "we" partnership with you, yet.
You've tried the staying still with him option. Now its time to rush forward toward positivity, hoping that he'll be moved in the direction by your gravitational pull, but knowing that you'll be in a better place regardless due to your own efforts and change.
