I was in town on business two hours from ex. Ex drove down to see me. We had dinner, spent the night together (no sex), and he watched Sunday football while I prepared for my week ahead. It was so nice to see him and like old times. The no sex thing kind of got to me, and he explained that it wasn't me. He said because of the drugs he has no self-esteem, no sex drive and feels physically sick all of the time.
Conversations between us are good. From snooping, I saw that he even made a phone call to the Bed & Brealfast that we went to on our honeymoon and then once a year after our wedding. No mention of a trip yet though. Also, from snooping I know he lives a lonely and depressed existance.
He briefly mentioned his plans for rehab at the first of the year--I am optimistic but not putting all my eggs in that basket. I keep praying for him.
We have had a few arguements, and he was the one to apologize each time. I am shocked by this because it is so unlike him even when things were smooth in the marriage.
The other night we got into a bigger arguement. We discussed last night that we need marriage counseling so we could learn how to communicate.
The problem is that if I am upset for any reason at all and discuss it with him, he internalizes it. This leads to him getting really frustrated and angry, and I am eventually in tears. He thinks it is his duty to keep me happy at all times. I can actually create this situation at times. Lets say night one I am upset about work, and he may be very supportive. The next night I bring it up again and his frustration will start grow. I will keep pushing and pushing the subject each night until it is a blow-out fight. A lot of times, the frustration is there the very minute I am upset. It is annoying because he is whiney most days (from his addiction), and I am 99% of the time supportive.
I added that I have always (before we were even married and long before the drugs) felt that I am not good enough for him, and I think it is because of the way he responds when I get upset. I feel that I have to act happy all the time. In a way I think I created our divorce out of my fear of him eventually realizing I am not what I pretend to be.
We spoke about how we push each others hot buttons so well, and it is so hard for us to support each other at times. Ex emotionally added that I am the only one he can truly count on in life. We both felt exasperated. I explained that I just want him to listen and not solve my problems.
I also added that is one reason the drug abuse started in the first place. When the drug use was recreational, if I got upset he would say here take this and give me a vicoden and a glass of water. It was very nice. It was like he was the magic fairy and made all my problems instantly dissappear. We got into this weird ritual of him bringing me pills and a glass of water whenever I got upset. It was like I made him my god and he felt like my god--so weird.
The conversation ended with him explaining that for now I need to find other ways to deal with my problems while he trys to overcome his addiction. After that we can work on the marriage. He watches "Intervention" daily on A & E. He says he needs to brainwash himself as much as possible.
He has given me all the passcodes associated with the business because he needed my help on things. Even when we got into our last arguement and didn't speak for a few days, he did not change the passcodes. He trusts me fully, and that is a positive change.
All I have to update for now.
Me personally: I love my new job, my new friends and my new place looks great. I am still waiting to be accepted into school--I sure hope I am! I catch myself noticing other men and wondering what it would be like to date. I continue to believe that I will never be able to love anyone like I love ex. We have so much history, and it is so hard to let that go.
