Miles to go before I sleep. Or should I say: Miles to go before I can even sleep well!
You can read more about where I'm coming from at: Unbearable Agony
Mentioned to a guy in another post that I am committed to "finding my way home." I have many thoughts and feelings of what that means to me, like "Home is wherever it is most comfortable to be yourself" or "Home is being one with the truth of my Highest Creative Potential." Or in death, it is finally being called Home to my Creator. Ashes to ashes...
And Home is certainly about being real, being me, being true to myself and the people I care about, being honest in my purpose and projection...
But what I really mean when I say I want to go home, is that I want to go home to my WAW who is living with my two kids and now looking for love with OM.
I have decided to start a thread here because I must fully accept that what she and I had is now long-dead and gone and can never be revived...
AND, wonder of wonders, NOR SHOULD IT BE!!! I know this intellectually, but now I must find a way to overcome the cancerous pain that seems to have a death grip on my diaphragm refusing to let me breathe. I know all this intellectually, but now I need to find a way to deal with my feelings about it as well.
I need to feel more like she does.
I am posting here because I need to finally accept that WAW has already moved on. Moved on long ago. And the truth is, we may never again be in a committed, caring, intimate, loving, sexual, relationship with each other.
I NEED TO ACCEPT THIS! It may never happen even if I DB for another 20 years!
I need to accept that possibility and learn to live with the uncertainty of it all. I need to come to terms with how that really feels to me, because only then can I find away to move past it and maybe even let it go completely.
Here's the quick facts...
Together 15 years (1987 - 2002) Looks like an epitaph!
Seperated these past three years.
I began DBing 3 months ago.
Got WAW to agree to counseling with Michelle and I two months ago.
WAW insists all she wants is a friendship and has just started PA with OM.
Me: 41.
Before marriage: Very happy, healthy and wealthy.
After 15 years together ending in seperation / okay let's call it Divorce even though we were never legally married: Very unhappy, busted and broke.
Other details: I PA about 9 years ago, questionably justified, but that's not the point. The issue has always been trust.
WAW: 41.
Before marriage: Believed all she was good for was sex. Zero self-esteem. Play thing for men and women who used her.
After 15 years together ending in seperation / okay let's call it Divorce even though we were never legally married: Very happy with herself, feeling strong and healthy about herself, has become totally independant and wealthy.
Other dteails: At beginning she lied and told me she was dying in order to have a child with me. Now, 18 years later, after doing everything I could to bring true honesty and compassion to our relatiuonship, she has a F***ing PA that just started a few days ago.
This after three years of celibacy for her, and now after getting her to actually enjoy going to counseling with me, (thanks to Michelle) after our third DB session with Michelle, she's out there straddling some...oh man don't even go there. Here's some other details:
2 Kids: D17, S13
Our tumultuous common law marriage lasted 15 years. (1987 - 2002)
She kicked me out of the house she was renting 3 years ago after I had lost all our money trying to make us happy without us ever really being on the same page.
Argh. I'm getting bogged dopwn here and my stomach is killing me again. Need to take a break and will write more later.
