I have spent the last two years reading all the books, differentiating, losing my anger, doing more about the house, disclosing my inner feelings and desires, giving her quality time and presents and hopefully becoming a better and more fanciable person but just how far does a guy have to go down this change route?
Maybe your wife will not agree to go until you make some sort of ultimatum. The risk is that she says ok, let’s split. So before going that far, I’d try to push her out of her comfort zone. You probably know better than I how to avoid the arguing, control the anger, present the likeable person, etc. But maybe you need stronger boundaries too, a sort of carrot (being attractive) and stick (setting strong boundaries) approach. Would some of Blackfoot’s philosophy apply?
If I persuaded her to see a councillor I wouldn't be surprised if when the councillor heard her story (ie not fancying me, continually rejecting me etc. etc.) he/she would tell her to kick me out, sue for the house the kids and half my income.
Why would any counselor advise your wife to kick you out if you’ve made all the positive changes you say you’ve made? What in the world would your wife be saying to the counselor to warrant such a response? Is there something you’re not telling us? This doesn’t make sense to me.
The times I saw the councillor on my own (because W didn't show up) she told me to find someone else because you only live once.
If the counselor simply says you should leave the relationship, it tells me one of two things – 1) either the counselor is an idiot (very possible) or 2) s/he is trying to “bait” you. This is similar to making an ultimatum, except they do it for you. When you realize you really don’t want to divorce, then you start to diligently address the issues. I think this is an old counselor tactic to stop the denials and dodging of issues. So if it is 1), challenge the counselor (and ask for your money back). If it is 2), challenge yourself.
I know finding a good counselor is not easy, and there is probably good reason the newspaper article said counseling makes matters worse. Possibly you had one of those counselors. I think that is where this board can help, along with your own reading, to verify what your counselor is saying. The feedback here also gives you ideas for the next counseling session, like GEL is doing.
