Believe me, I’m with you on your sitch. But this is where the rubber meets the road. I hear you saying that your W’s excuses for not changing are acceptable. You give reasons you believe are acceptable for not changing yourself. But you don’t like your sitch. Doesn’t it follow that if your sitch is to change then either you, your W or the both of you need to change? You’ve obviously been DBing for a long time. But with no improvement. WHY????
When I bring up your FOO, I see MAJOR resistance and stonewalling, efforts to justify and protect your wife – she doesn’t think counseling works, too costly, stiff upper lip, incompetent British counselors, newspaper article….. How many more excuses can you think up? Don’t you see this is all denial to avoid something that is obviously very uncomfortable for you and your wife?
I agree this board is great, but there are some things that need to be done face to face. Sometimes emotions need to be stirred up and anger vented in session to bring out the root problem. This board cannot do that.
Intimacy fears can be rooted in fear of change. I think you and W are in some ways very comfortable in your R. You may not like it but you know what to expect. You fantasize about growing old, having 10 grandkids. Fantasy is a form of denial too. Face your fears. If you change, you could lose your dream (though I doubt it) but if you don’t change, you are more likely to lose it anyway.
Could your past belief that you and W were doing well be really another fantasy too? Once that became apparent, you decided it was time to split. But do you really want this? Is your decision just another escalation to get her to change without you changing or addressing your fears? This is all speculation on my part. I do not know your sitch that well, butt that is the “feeling” I get from your recent posts.
To me, the more uncomfortable something is, the more it confirms this is where you need to work. Your old approach was a cheeseless tunnel. Why do you persist? What are you two avoiding?
