I still can’t buy into this. Her statement is classic denial. How can she say counseling is a waste of time if she clammed up and never said anything? I think she is scared to confront her issues, so she makes excuses. The stiff upper lip is another deflection. Don’t make excuses for her. When you do, you give her the loop hole to maintain distance from you. Then you complain she is not intimate, but you are perpetuating your own misery. In this way, do you think you have intimacy issues too?
Cobra, Absolutely we have intimacy issues but I don't think councelling will do anything unless it happens to be with David Scnarch. There was an article in the paper last week hypothesising that the boom in councelling in the UK is making us more miserable and not less. The woman who wrote it has had a lot of councelling and came to the conclusion that the Cs prompt you to drag out all the stuff you thought you'd left behind then give you next to no help in dealing with it. The reason she has these problems is simple, she doesn't fancy me and never really has - I think I'm quite fancyable for a late fortysomething (judge for yourselves at www.hdenham.force9.co.uk/superdave.jpg) but she does not. She married me for a combination of reasons known best to herself but EC and sex were not in her list. SD
Sure I look around at other women and dream of finding myself a honeypot to spend the rest of my life with in blissful EC but there is something else I want (and I probably want it more). When I grow up I want to be like my own Dad who has the privilage and pride of having 10 grandchildren visit him often and I want to share in that pleasure with the mother of my own children. If I were to leave W I would certainly miss out on that. Besides I do love my W and still fancy her like mad. SD
I could not agree more with what you said about this board being more help then any C. To me it is because the people here feel it and can explain it and make a person understand it much better then someone with only text book knowledge of the issue.
Believe me, I’m with you on your sitch. But this is where the rubber meets the road. I hear you saying that your W’s excuses for not changing are acceptable. You give reasons you believe are acceptable for not changing yourself. But you don’t like your sitch. Doesn’t it follow that if your sitch is to change then either you, your W or the both of you need to change? You’ve obviously been DBing for a long time. But with no improvement. WHY????
When I bring up your FOO, I see MAJOR resistance and stonewalling, efforts to justify and protect your wife – she doesn’t think counseling works, too costly, stiff upper lip, incompetent British counselors, newspaper article….. How many more excuses can you think up? Don’t you see this is all denial to avoid something that is obviously very uncomfortable for you and your wife?
I agree this board is great, but there are some things that need to be done face to face. Sometimes emotions need to be stirred up and anger vented in session to bring out the root problem. This board cannot do that.
Intimacy fears can be rooted in fear of change. I think you and W are in some ways very comfortable in your R. You may not like it but you know what to expect. You fantasize about growing old, having 10 grandkids. Fantasy is a form of denial too. Face your fears. If you change, you could lose your dream (though I doubt it) but if you don’t change, you are more likely to lose it anyway.
Could your past belief that you and W were doing well be really another fantasy too? Once that became apparent, you decided it was time to split. But do you really want this? Is your decision just another escalation to get her to change without you changing or addressing your fears? This is all speculation on my part. I do not know your sitch that well, butt that is the “feeling” I get from your recent posts.
To me, the more uncomfortable something is, the more it confirms this is where you need to work. Your old approach was a cheeseless tunnel. Why do you persist? What are you two avoiding?
"(Do not reject/discount/dismiss my compliment, or I will reach out of your computer screen and slap you! I meant it sincerely!)"
Oh, Lillie, I am not deserving of such praise. I am a lowly dog that should only be allowed out to teach classes and do housework. Why doesn't someone just put me out of my misery.
Here is comes ... wait for it ... wait for it ... SLAP! Dang, that hurt Lil, you work out or something?
I very much appreciate the compliments Lil. I am noticing a big difference. We have some big decisions coming up soon in our department, and people are starting to look more to me for decision-making than they ever did. I guess I'm just oozing confidence. I definitely care a lot less about pleasing everyone and a lot more about speaking my mind and trying to do what is right.
Now, as you say, if the wife would just look up (waaaay up) and see the new me that is developing, I think she might just decide that working on the R is really worth the effort.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Cob, I hear what you say and that I need to change but how and in what direction? I have spent the last two years reading all the books, differentiating, losing my anger, doing more about the house, disclosing my inner feelings and desires, giving her quality time and presents and hopefully becoming a better and more fanciable person but just how far does a guy have to go down this change route? With the best will in the world I'm never going to be able to turn into some Alpha male Viking that will sweep her off her feet and carry her off into some emotionally connected sunset. If I persuaded her to see a councillor I wouldn't be surprised if when the councillor heard her story (ie not fancying me, continually rejecting me etc. etc.) he/she would tell her to kick me out, sue for the house the kids and half my income. The times I saw the councillor on my own (because W didn't show up) she told me to find someone else because you only live once. SD
Sorry for hijacking a bit SD. I hope you don't mind. I wish I had some good advice to offer, but there are definitely other people on this board more qualified to deal with your case.
I do think you are pretty cool stylin' with the shades and all though! Wanna go to Belize in March?!?
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
