I disagree that running away is a better fix. At $70/hr, your counseling sessions are relatively cheap. It is all a matter of priorities. I find it hard to believe you can’t cough up $70 every two weeks.
Look at it this way, if your two get divorced or separated, its going to cost you a lot more that that. I don’t know your situation with kids or the UK’s child support laws, but if you have to pay support, you’ll have even less money after the split.
Chromo,
I also disagree that termination of the marriage is in order here. My reasoning is that SD’s wife seems to me to be very “sick.” I think that if she could change, she would change. But like I have argued before, this may be something that needs to be “forced.” The arguments that people will only change when they are ready to change does not make sense to me in all situations. When someone is so dysfunctional, has so strong defenses, is so deluded by their false self, no manner or amount of change on the part of the spouse will create a change in them.
I know many say that the change of the “healthier” spouse will cause the mix in the pot to differ, thus causing the other to change. But how many times have we seen this not work? I think these failures are due in part to the “more” dysfunctional spouse not being able to understand and appreciate the changes made by their spouse. They are too deeply entrenched in their FOO (yes, I believe it comes back to that bird again, especially in these cases).
I believe there is a more consistent track record of change occurring in people who come to understand and deal with their FOO, so that the changes in their spouse and the resulting relationship mix, can allow a change in them. FOO and behavioral change go hand in hand.
So I believe your further comments about expecting sex in exchange for other services is a moot point for SD. I don’t think he (and possibly Hairdog and Zbube) have waives that are capable of making the needed changes at this point, even if they wanted to. Their FOO based defenses and underlying fears will sabotage any efforts they make.
