Of course, the pisser is that there is very likely NOTHING we can do to change anything about this. It's up to them to figure it out. And all we can change is our attitude. Sigh.
I disagree that there is nothing you can do. For some situations, I think DB techniques are the way to go. But for this, both you and ZB have been DBing for a while with little to nothing to show for it. Why? I think the issues are too deeply ingrained, that your wives’ behaviors are so set, that their walls and blinders are so strong that simply acting differently will not bring them to any realization.
That is where a good qualified, experienced therapist can help. The task you have is finding a way to get them in counseling and to stay there. For extremely psychotic people, the law permits a spouse to “commit” the other for a short period of time to evaluate the need for medical attention. I am not condoning this action, but that is an extreme example of how you can try to “force” change for someone too sick to help themselves.
In your case, waiting for your wife to realize she needs to rise to a higher, healthier level as you improve yourself, may take forever. As much as she would like everyone to think she can carry the weight of the world, she really can’t. Life on her own would mean dropping a lot of the things she has in the air. She may not be able to realize this until she has to – i.e., on the threshold of divorce.
I believe my wife came to this realization over the course of this year and has dropped some of the things she has tried to keep afloat. This transferred some responsibilities over to me, which frustrated me, but liberated me. It also liberated her. And it let her see that life goes on as usual even though she did not directly control everything (especially regarding the kids) and then she started to see that some of her past fears were due to her issues only.
I don’t have any magic book on this, but I think a lot of people who disregard the FOO content of their problems are doing themselves a disservice. Just my take.
