I wasn't aware that there was a mother-son dynamic while I was married. But I was eventually aware that I felt more like a sister to him than a wife. My sexual feelings were stifled. I think some people can have this mother-son dynamic and not have it interfere with their intimate life, but I could not.

I found out after it was too late that my X was afraid of me. He had a very controlling, domineering mother and I think he turned me into her in his mind. I don't think anyone would say I was domineering. I let him do what he wanted when he wanted to do it and made almost no demands on him.

We never addressed our problems head on, even after I found out about his affair. We had a crummy therapist who wasn't much help. A good one probably could have saved us, with lots of hard work, because there was, and still is, a lot of love there. We both hated conflict and swept problems under the rug, never fought and looked outwardly like we had a great marriage. People were shocked when we separated!

Things that are different in my new relationship: he doesn't rescue me when I get upset. He asks to talk when anything goes wrong. We've had more discussions about little problems in the two years we've been involved than X and I did in 20 years. He approaches sex with more confidence.

I should also say that I was probably guilty of (unconsciously) assuming a parental/sisterly role as a way of avoiding my discomfort with expressing my sexual side. I seem to have largely gotten over that. Starting a relationship when you are older and more mature definitely gives you an advantage over your young and clueless self.

So often reading here, I've wanted to shout at the miserable HD spouses, "Sit your spouse down and calmly, without threats, spell out to him/her that you are miserable and that you cannot continue with things as they are. Believe me, I had NO idea my X felt that way, even though he felt he had told me many times. I wrote his complaints about lack of passion, initiation, etc as normal marital dissatisfaction. I had no idea it was a deal breaker. By the time he told me, it was too late -- his love had gone. You HD people might be surprised to find out that your LD spouses really do love you. So listen up, Cemar. TELL HER IN LURID DETAIL how unhappy you are. But say it calmly and strongly and with the intent of leaving if it doesn't change.