GGB How true this depressing statement of yours sounds: "...and all my attempts to do so [back off backing off] lead to MrsGGB backing off on her efforts almost immediately...". No doubt I have that to look forward to in a week or so. SD - depressed about depression.
See, there you have an advantage. I'm at the point that I'm not even sure what MrsGGB could do to turn it around for me, short of becoming someone she is not. I'm having a very hard time telling her what is wrong because of this. I can pinpoint the moment my give-a-damn got busted, but that isn't giving me many clues as to what she needs to do to fix it. Right now, it isn't so much the sex for me as much as it is having her put effort into the R, and in particular, toward quality time.
When I took the LL quiz, I scored nearly evenly between QT and PT. At the time I thought it was wrong and that PT was my dominant LL. Now I see that the test was correct, and that QT can very much become a dominant LL for me. Hers, BTW are AOS and WOA.
OK, so if I am forced to think about what she could change, I guess it would be her opening up to let me inside. She's got a wall that she keeps her personal feelings etc hidden behind. The biggest peek I got behind the wall was during the WWME, but even then she would not let me in. The WWME dialogs haven't been happening. She feels too uncomfortable with it and shuns it more than anything else. It's like she's got a huge fear of intimacy. She has mentioned a couple of times something to the effect of "what if you don't like what I have inside".
About a year ago we did an LL survey. Aquarian actually produced an Excel graph of it. HDs were almost all PT (Physical Touch) and WOA (Words of Appreciation) and LDs were predominantly QT (Quality Time) and AOS (Acts of Service). Receiving Gifts was non existant. As an HD I suggest that your QT feelings are more likely to be Quality PT Time. LDs assume QT is non-intimate activities such as walking in the country, shopping etc. To me and I suspect you and most HDs, quality time would be quality bed time ie. quality PT with some nice quality WOA thrown in. Also what do you think of by Act of Sevice? Of course an LD thinks of helping round the house, with the kids, helping with the grocery shopping etc. An HD thinks an Act of Service means a blow job! SD - Who says we all speak the same language?
perhaps my sitch is a little different then. MrsGGB keeps herself busy with a zillion things around the house and around town. I get whatever time is left at the end of the day, which often is none. QT to me is time spent intimately, not necessarily physically. MrsGGB is not prone to sharing her feelings, and our conversations generally revolve around what the kids are doing or gossip she's picked up on the neighbors. I miss the time I used to spend with ex GFs talking about feelings, hopes, fears...ie, getting to know the other inside out. I think the physical side is an outgrowth of this, or it can be, but without the EC, the physical is kind of empty. I got along for a long time with a more or less one-sided EC, but this summer that crumbled when it really sunk in that she is not likely to ever allow the level of intimacy I am longing for.
For me, WOA and AOS might as well be ancient greek. I try to speak those languages, but too much seems to get lost in the translation. I do see her recently trying to speak PT language, but it is also getting garbled in the translation, and there is none of the QT dialect that I need to hear either.
Have you told your wife that you have decided to move on?
Don't you think it is fair that she know you have reached your limit with the relationship?
Instead of playing pushme/pullyou, you might want to consider a heads on, straight up approach. If you decide to divorce, there will be plenty of legally forced situations that you will not be able to conflict avoid. It will not be fun or at all easy.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I miss the time I used to spend with ex GFs talking about feelings, hopes, fears...ie, getting to know the other inside out. I think the physical side is an outgrowth of this, or it can be
This is soooo true. That feeling of getting to know each other totally... I miss that so much... and the physical that grows from it.
I'm with you Lil. I'm a Gifts person and a Words of Affirmation. Oh, and of course Physical Touch. I like Quality Time too. How many are you allowed to be? I'm not an Acts of Service, I know that at least
I’ve been lurking here for a very long time. It’s fascinating.
This site made me understand why my husband divorced me. He said everything you “HD” folks say: he didn’t feel loved, I initiated, he needed passion, etc.
I had no understanding of what he was talking about. We would ML a couple of times a week, what was the problem? I loved him deeply. True, there was no passion but I thought passion inevitably died with time.
I thought my H was one of the most attractive men I’d ever met, but that didn’t translate into sexual attraction.
We never really got down into the nitty gritty details of what our problem was. Then he started an affair and eventually left me and our children. I was absolutely devastated. It’s taken a long time reading here to comprehend what happened.
But I disagree with the HD and LD labels. I believe a relationship is a DYNAMIC and the two individuals assume roles within the relationship. Someone who is HD in one relationship might be LD in another one and v.v.
I say this because now I am in a new relationship where the sexual bond is amazing and I am definitely HD. Whereas I never thought about sex with my X, now I think about it all the time with my new partner. Who, by the way, the world would not consider nearly as physically attractive as my X .
What’s the difference? My X and I had a mother-son relationship, psychologically speaking. This killed the passion. Oddly enough, even though my X left me because he felt he pursued and I never responded, he did not pursue me in a way that felt sexually compelling to me. He was tentative and not confident about it. The new guy shows me his need in a way that the X never did and we relate as one adult to another. So maybe it was just bad chemistry. But in many of the stories that I read here, where the man is HD and the woman is LD, I suspect that a mother-son dynamic exists.
So here’s what I think: in the kind of dynamic SuperDave and his wife have, major changes need to be made, on both sides. It’s hard work. Often it won’t be successful because the changes that need to be made are so vast.
My hat is off to all of you – you are smart, insightful, courageous in keeping on. And you’ve taught me a tremendous amount. Thanks.
Quote: What’s the difference? My X and I had a mother-son relationship, psychologically speaking. This killed the passion. Oddly enough, even though my X left me because he felt he pursued and I never responded, he did not pursue me in a way that felt sexually compelling to me. He was tentative and not confident about it. The new guy shows me his need in a way that the X never did and we relate as one adult to another. So maybe it was just bad chemistry. But in many of the stories that I read here, where the man is HD and the woman is LD, I suspect that a mother-son dynamic exists.
I feel in my gut that this is so true. And when I read something like this, all of my optimism about ever reaching this level with my BF goes right out the window. Thanks for this excellent insight, and do keep posting and sharing your experiences with us. Considering how much pain we're in, we're a fun bunch.
Where does that leave me? 
I'm not an Acts of Service, I know that at least 
