SuperMan, Your cuddles just arrived, thank you very much.
I am intrigued by your situation. Honestly, you've been accepting far too little from her for years. It is time for the Mrs. to step up to the wife-ly plate. Not allowing kisses??! What kind of life is that.
Keep up your current changes; they seem to be having a drastic effect. Do what works. Stay confident and loving. We are all rooting for you over here.
Quote: It sounds like some sort of cruel game to me.
It does sound like a game, but I doubt that it is. I don't think there are mental calculations adding up and trying to determine what's the minimum I can do.
Her discomfort level just rose as a result of something clicking deep in SM's gut that has now begun to permeate their relationship. She's unconsciously used to SM being >here< at this place, taking this position in their relationship.
And he's not there anymore. So, there's this gentle sucking sound of a black hole that's pulling on their interactions now.
Harriet Lerner calls it over-functioning, under-functioning. Here's a quote (written toward women, but not gender limited):
"The underfunctioning-overfunctioning pattern is a familar one in couples. How does it work? Research in marital systems has demonstrated that when men and women pair up, and stay paired up, they are usually at the same level of "independence," or emotional maturity. Like a seesaw, it is the underfunctioning of the individual that allows for the overfunctioning of the other. (Emphasis in the original.)
SM just stopped overfunctioning, and SM's wife just noticed.
This is something I've tried to describe about our situation. When NOP reached the "something's gotta be done" stage, he stepped further back. And everytime I went to look for him, there was this very serious, determined guy looking back at me, letting me know that things were not going to continue has they had been.
So, I don't think she's playing a game. I think she's aware that there has been a shift and that shift in the relationship has thrown her off-balance. She's trying to get it balanced again.
Yes MrsNOP I agree. She isn't thinking about the what the minimum is she can do. Under normal circumstances she does not think about it at all. I like the overfunctioning/underfuctioning idea. I have certainly overfunctioned in response to her underfunction to the extent that sometimes I feel she swats me away like an irritating fly buzzing round. My feelings are dulled at the moment so I think I can keep a distance for some days if not weeks but no doubt if my desire for her returns things will go back to "normal". For now it's time for me to be the "determined serious guy".
Cally, Hairdog and Lillieperl - Yeah I give it two weeks tops too.
Greeneyes, I don't know Staffordshire but it has a famous history being "The Potteries" where the Royal Doulton and Wedgewood china is made.
Honeypot. I'm glad you liked the cuddles - they made me feel better too. SD
It is a bit contageous, but I think it's also good for us to some extent. I feel that (for me anyway) if I didn't have this emotional flu as someone once called it...I wouldn't be able to truly back off the way I need to and really let my H see how truly one-sided it is. I wouldn't have the personal fortitude to be able to truly sit back let him see how truly one-sided the physical part of our R is....because I would feel compelled to keep reaching out to him.
I didn't say that it was necessarily a bad thing. It still sucks having it though. I still haven't been able to shake it, and all my attempts to do so lead to MrsGGB backing off on her efforts almost immediately (which I think is what sends me right back to the bottom of the hill). HP gives me hope, because she seems to have pulled herself mostly out of it and seems to have a better R for it....well, different anyway.
No, I know you didn't say it was a bad thing That was more coming from my own perspective, I used to view it as a bad thing...don't anymore.
I've also learned not to try to pull myself out of it. I saw the same thing you have...my attempts would result in my H backing back off. In his mind things were back to ok again. Now, I'm not worrying about pulling myself out of this. I've come to realize, he needs to see this as much as I probably need to experience it. He needs to see that when I told him this would happen, that I wasn't just making it up....it's an actual consequence now. This is something that he can turn around, but he's going to have to make an effort....and as I've told him, not just a one time temporary effort.
I'm hoping for you though that this doesn't last long...because I agree, it's not a pleasant place to be...especially when you long for your R to be so much better.
It's just so hard to see MrsGGB kind of floundering, and at the same time not really feeling much of anything. I do see it now as a necessary step, but I don't think it is one that you consciously take, KWIM? I know I had no intention of being in this state.
I agree...it's not one I think you "want" to do, and in order for this oh, I guess you could call it a right of passage...you couldn't do it conciously. It's not a pleasant place to be.
I do also agree I don't like watching my H trying to figure out things...I can see he doesn't know what to do, even though I've told him plenty of times. I can see he doesn't know how to get started and I can't give him the push.
That was more coming from my own perspective, I used to view it as a bad thing...don't anymore.